Destination Beautiful
III - It Sucks
“It sucks, doesn’t it?” he said.
I just nodded.
“I mean, it just makes you wanna-“
I didn’t even let him finish his sentence. I got up, leaving my cup of coffee, that was still half filled, and him, behind. I had to get out of there, away from everybody. I just couldn’t face it like this. Not now. Not yet. I wiped away the tears from my cheek as an attempt to stop crying as I ran out of the Starbucks, away from it all but not really going anywhere.
Billie Joe blankly stared at the door for a few seconds. Him and his big mouth. Now she’d run away, again. At that moment he decided he wouldn’t just let her run off like that. Not like he’d done yesterday. It had troubled him all day not knowing what happened, and he wasn’t gonna go through that again. He at least had to apologize for the fact he made her run away. Again. Billie Joe got up and left the Starbucks, rushing in the direction the girl had gone, hoping he’d get track of her soon.
***
“Hey!” I heard behind me. “Hey wait up!”
I looked over my shoulder and noticed the guy I’d been sitting with. Oh god. How embarrassing, I’d left him, crying. Again. I hated being so vulnerable. But I didn’t stop. I kept on walking, straight on, heading with no direction. But he was quicker. In fact, he ran towards me.
“Hey,” he said, a bit out of breath. I figured it’d be better if I’d stop now. It wasn’t his fault after all, how could he have known?
“Hey,” he said, once again.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you like that. I was just.. just being stupid letting my own damn mind speak. Sorry.”
I looked at him. “It’s okay,” I said hoarsly. “You couldn’t know.”
He smiled a bit. “Do you-“
“It’s just today,” I suddenly said. “It’s this day. It’s her birthday so I should be happy and cheerful like everybody tells me and I’m trying but it’s just so hard because, every time, every time I look at her, every time it’s like a reminder of what’s been taken away from me,”
That was it. I collapsed, completely broke down in front of somebody I didn’t even know.
“And everybody just acts like nothing ever happened, like it doesn’t matter anymore.”
I sniffed and took a deep breath. And another one. And another one. Before I knew it my breathing turned into hyperventilating as I cried and screamed and sobbed.
“And I.. I,” I said, trying to speak and control my breath at the same time, which only made it worse.
“I..”
“Maybe you shouldn’t speak for a bit,” he said.
“But I-“
“Shh.”
Billie Joe looked at the girl in concern. God, she was starting to panic, breathing heavily, unable to stop. She tried to say something but he knew by experience that she shouldn’t. She had to calm down first. He felt for her, something was obviously wrong and now she panicked. Anxiety was something Billie Joe found really hard to deal with, for when it happened to him, when he was having yet another panic attack, he didn’t know what the hell to do to stop it or where it came from at all. And that freaked him out, made him shiver, and that certainly didn’t help much when he was experiencing such an attack. What he did know, was that it always helped him if there was somebody around. Someone that cared for him, someone that would calm him down. Everything got better the moment he’d calmed down. And now, this girl needed somebody to calm her down, for it didn’t look like she’d be able to calm herself down any time soon. He told her not to speak and she didn’t listen.
“Shh,” he said softly, in a desperate attempt to calm her down.
It didn’t stop. No matter how hard I tried, it only seemed to be getting harder to breathe. It freaked me out. Why couldn’t I breathe normally? What was wrong with me? I was trying so hard and nothing worked. I looked at the guy through the tears in my eyes and I must’ve looked scared or something, because he took my hands and looked me in the eyes.
“Listen,” he said. “I know it’s hard, and I know you’re upset, but you need to calm down now. You just have to refrain your breathing and it’ll get better.”
He spoke to me sorta demanding, but in a calm way. I looked at him and nodded, as I sniffed again.
“Just follow me, breathe in..” he kept looking at me as we both inhaled.
“And out again,” he said calmly, exhaling before repeating the same process again.
***
It took a while, and I still hadn’t calmed down.
“It’s not working!!”
“But it will, you just have to clear your mind and focus on nothing but your breathing,” he said.
“I’m trying!! But it doesn’t work!”
“Shh,” he said, “Don’t speak, just breathe.”
And after a while, it finally seemed to work. Slowly I refrained my breathing, until I had completely calmed down. The guy smiled at me and let go of my hands.
“There,” he said. “That’s better.”
I smiled a bit and wiped away my tears.
“Thank you,” I softly said.
“No problem, I know what it’s like to panic. And it sucks,” he said.
I nodded. “It sucks.”
I just nodded.
“I mean, it just makes you wanna-“
I didn’t even let him finish his sentence. I got up, leaving my cup of coffee, that was still half filled, and him, behind. I had to get out of there, away from everybody. I just couldn’t face it like this. Not now. Not yet. I wiped away the tears from my cheek as an attempt to stop crying as I ran out of the Starbucks, away from it all but not really going anywhere.
Billie Joe blankly stared at the door for a few seconds. Him and his big mouth. Now she’d run away, again. At that moment he decided he wouldn’t just let her run off like that. Not like he’d done yesterday. It had troubled him all day not knowing what happened, and he wasn’t gonna go through that again. He at least had to apologize for the fact he made her run away. Again. Billie Joe got up and left the Starbucks, rushing in the direction the girl had gone, hoping he’d get track of her soon.
***
“Hey!” I heard behind me. “Hey wait up!”
I looked over my shoulder and noticed the guy I’d been sitting with. Oh god. How embarrassing, I’d left him, crying. Again. I hated being so vulnerable. But I didn’t stop. I kept on walking, straight on, heading with no direction. But he was quicker. In fact, he ran towards me.
“Hey,” he said, a bit out of breath. I figured it’d be better if I’d stop now. It wasn’t his fault after all, how could he have known?
“Hey,” he said, once again.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you like that. I was just.. just being stupid letting my own damn mind speak. Sorry.”
I looked at him. “It’s okay,” I said hoarsly. “You couldn’t know.”
He smiled a bit. “Do you-“
“It’s just today,” I suddenly said. “It’s this day. It’s her birthday so I should be happy and cheerful like everybody tells me and I’m trying but it’s just so hard because, every time, every time I look at her, every time it’s like a reminder of what’s been taken away from me,”
That was it. I collapsed, completely broke down in front of somebody I didn’t even know.
“And everybody just acts like nothing ever happened, like it doesn’t matter anymore.”
I sniffed and took a deep breath. And another one. And another one. Before I knew it my breathing turned into hyperventilating as I cried and screamed and sobbed.
“And I.. I,” I said, trying to speak and control my breath at the same time, which only made it worse.
“I..”
“Maybe you shouldn’t speak for a bit,” he said.
“But I-“
“Shh.”
Billie Joe looked at the girl in concern. God, she was starting to panic, breathing heavily, unable to stop. She tried to say something but he knew by experience that she shouldn’t. She had to calm down first. He felt for her, something was obviously wrong and now she panicked. Anxiety was something Billie Joe found really hard to deal with, for when it happened to him, when he was having yet another panic attack, he didn’t know what the hell to do to stop it or where it came from at all. And that freaked him out, made him shiver, and that certainly didn’t help much when he was experiencing such an attack. What he did know, was that it always helped him if there was somebody around. Someone that cared for him, someone that would calm him down. Everything got better the moment he’d calmed down. And now, this girl needed somebody to calm her down, for it didn’t look like she’d be able to calm herself down any time soon. He told her not to speak and she didn’t listen.
“Shh,” he said softly, in a desperate attempt to calm her down.
It didn’t stop. No matter how hard I tried, it only seemed to be getting harder to breathe. It freaked me out. Why couldn’t I breathe normally? What was wrong with me? I was trying so hard and nothing worked. I looked at the guy through the tears in my eyes and I must’ve looked scared or something, because he took my hands and looked me in the eyes.
“Listen,” he said. “I know it’s hard, and I know you’re upset, but you need to calm down now. You just have to refrain your breathing and it’ll get better.”
He spoke to me sorta demanding, but in a calm way. I looked at him and nodded, as I sniffed again.
“Just follow me, breathe in..” he kept looking at me as we both inhaled.
“And out again,” he said calmly, exhaling before repeating the same process again.
***
It took a while, and I still hadn’t calmed down.
“It’s not working!!”
“But it will, you just have to clear your mind and focus on nothing but your breathing,” he said.
“I’m trying!! But it doesn’t work!”
“Shh,” he said, “Don’t speak, just breathe.”
And after a while, it finally seemed to work. Slowly I refrained my breathing, until I had completely calmed down. The guy smiled at me and let go of my hands.
“There,” he said. “That’s better.”
I smiled a bit and wiped away my tears.
“Thank you,” I softly said.
“No problem, I know what it’s like to panic. And it sucks,” he said.
I nodded. “It sucks.”