Destination Beautiful
V - Where Am I?
With Steven staying home that weekend, I actually had some more time for myself. Something I hadn’t experienced in a long while. In fact, I wasn’t used to it at all, leaving me kind of blank, not knowing what to do. I fell back to my usual habits pretty quickly and I needed Steven to remind me that he could handle it. He’d take care of things for the day, and I just had to relax. As the day passed and the afternoon came, he sent me outside so I could finally get my mind off of things.
Well, he was right about one thing. Leaving the house meant leaving my thoughts of concern and daily routine behind. But it didn’t mean my mind was completely off of things. In fact, leaving the house only allowed me to get my mind more fixed on certain things.
The sun was shining brightly that day. And even though it was already mid November, it actually felt quite nice outside and I wasn’t freezing to death. I took a long walk towards the park, which was in fact not even that far from my house but I decided not to take the usual shortest route. I sat down on one of the benches and just watched as people walked by, all of them busy in their world, and me lost in my own.
And lost I was. Cathy’s birthday on Thursday had been an awful reminder of the past. And even though I hadn’t been showing it too much at home, I’d felt miserable weeks before, and on Thursday itself, well most of Thursday that was. I tried my hardest to be enthousiastic for her, it was her birthday after all. But inside was the complete opposite of what I showed on the outside.
Or so I thought, because suddenly, like out of nowhere, there was Billie Joe. A guy that didn’t even know me, and he’d hit it right on the spot, right at once. He’d seen right through me, as though I was transparent or something. It had confused me, scared me, but in a way it had relieved me. After I’d broken down in front of him, making a complete fool of myself, we just both forgot about it for the day. The way I’d talked and laughed with him the rest of the afternoon was almost like a whole new experience for me. It had been the longest time since I had a day like that.
And so Billie Joe was on my mind. I thought back on how I felt that afternoon, our chats and how he tried to joke. How I laughed and how he laughed with me at his own jokes. Thinking back made me feel happy. Of course, there was still that bit of unhappiness that was always there, and the sorrow that’d been there much stronger as usual for the past few weeks. But it seemed like my sorrow was fading against the happiness. And that exactly, was what confused me. How could I be on the verge of a nervous breakdown on one day, and feel more happy than sad the next? Somehow it didn’t make sense to me and I almost felt guilty about it. But yet, it was still the way I felt things right at that moment.
***
It was yet another day of studio rehearsing, but no matter how passionate Billie Joe was about music, especially his band’s own music, it seemed like his mind was elsewhere.
“Billie, dude..” Mike said, waving a hand in front of his friend’s eyes. Billie Joe blinked a few times and gave him a questioning look. “You there?” Mike asked him and he nodded. Mike suggested bits and pieces on certain songs but Billie Joe didn’t really seem to catch any of it. Why isn’t she calling back?
Tré looked at the scene from behind his drum kit. Something was up with Billie, he could tell by the way he sat there since this morning. Mike had caught his attention for a moment, or so he seemed to think because he immediately started going over what they’d discussed not long before. Tré wondered if it was girl trouble that was bothering Billie. After all, Adrienne did live pretty far away. But her and Billie Joe seemed like the perfect match. No matter how long the distance was or how long they had been separated, when they were reunited their love spark always seemed to be as strong as it was before, if not stronger. At times, Tré'd envy Billie for that. Sure he’d been with girls, lots of girls. But never before had a girl made him feel like Adrienne made Billie feel, in love for the world to see.
“So what do you think?” Mike asked, looking at Billie.
Billie Joe looked up. “About what?” he asked, causing Mike to let out a sigh.
“I’ve been trying to tell you for the past 15 minutes! Where the hell are you with your mind?”
Billie Joe turned quiet. Where was he? He wasn’t even sure himself. Minnesota, he was in Minnesota with his Adie. Or maybe he was with the phone, waiting for her to call him. The thought of Morgan crossed his mind, the girl he’d helped the other day. The girl who seemed so broken inside but tried desperately to hide it from the world. But he'd seen it. And he wondered what it was exactly, he wondered what was troubling her so much. But thinking of girls, reminded him of his own. Adrienne, his mind was with Adrienne, as a substitute for physically being with her. Billie Joe still had his mind and Adrienne was there.
“Starbucks..” he said.
Well, he was right about one thing. Leaving the house meant leaving my thoughts of concern and daily routine behind. But it didn’t mean my mind was completely off of things. In fact, leaving the house only allowed me to get my mind more fixed on certain things.
The sun was shining brightly that day. And even though it was already mid November, it actually felt quite nice outside and I wasn’t freezing to death. I took a long walk towards the park, which was in fact not even that far from my house but I decided not to take the usual shortest route. I sat down on one of the benches and just watched as people walked by, all of them busy in their world, and me lost in my own.
And lost I was. Cathy’s birthday on Thursday had been an awful reminder of the past. And even though I hadn’t been showing it too much at home, I’d felt miserable weeks before, and on Thursday itself, well most of Thursday that was. I tried my hardest to be enthousiastic for her, it was her birthday after all. But inside was the complete opposite of what I showed on the outside.
Or so I thought, because suddenly, like out of nowhere, there was Billie Joe. A guy that didn’t even know me, and he’d hit it right on the spot, right at once. He’d seen right through me, as though I was transparent or something. It had confused me, scared me, but in a way it had relieved me. After I’d broken down in front of him, making a complete fool of myself, we just both forgot about it for the day. The way I’d talked and laughed with him the rest of the afternoon was almost like a whole new experience for me. It had been the longest time since I had a day like that.
And so Billie Joe was on my mind. I thought back on how I felt that afternoon, our chats and how he tried to joke. How I laughed and how he laughed with me at his own jokes. Thinking back made me feel happy. Of course, there was still that bit of unhappiness that was always there, and the sorrow that’d been there much stronger as usual for the past few weeks. But it seemed like my sorrow was fading against the happiness. And that exactly, was what confused me. How could I be on the verge of a nervous breakdown on one day, and feel more happy than sad the next? Somehow it didn’t make sense to me and I almost felt guilty about it. But yet, it was still the way I felt things right at that moment.
***
It was yet another day of studio rehearsing, but no matter how passionate Billie Joe was about music, especially his band’s own music, it seemed like his mind was elsewhere.
“Billie, dude..” Mike said, waving a hand in front of his friend’s eyes. Billie Joe blinked a few times and gave him a questioning look. “You there?” Mike asked him and he nodded. Mike suggested bits and pieces on certain songs but Billie Joe didn’t really seem to catch any of it. Why isn’t she calling back?
Tré looked at the scene from behind his drum kit. Something was up with Billie, he could tell by the way he sat there since this morning. Mike had caught his attention for a moment, or so he seemed to think because he immediately started going over what they’d discussed not long before. Tré wondered if it was girl trouble that was bothering Billie. After all, Adrienne did live pretty far away. But her and Billie Joe seemed like the perfect match. No matter how long the distance was or how long they had been separated, when they were reunited their love spark always seemed to be as strong as it was before, if not stronger. At times, Tré'd envy Billie for that. Sure he’d been with girls, lots of girls. But never before had a girl made him feel like Adrienne made Billie feel, in love for the world to see.
“So what do you think?” Mike asked, looking at Billie.
Billie Joe looked up. “About what?” he asked, causing Mike to let out a sigh.
“I’ve been trying to tell you for the past 15 minutes! Where the hell are you with your mind?”
Billie Joe turned quiet. Where was he? He wasn’t even sure himself. Minnesota, he was in Minnesota with his Adie. Or maybe he was with the phone, waiting for her to call him. The thought of Morgan crossed his mind, the girl he’d helped the other day. The girl who seemed so broken inside but tried desperately to hide it from the world. But he'd seen it. And he wondered what it was exactly, he wondered what was troubling her so much. But thinking of girls, reminded him of his own. Adrienne, his mind was with Adrienne, as a substitute for physically being with her. Billie Joe still had his mind and Adrienne was there.
“Starbucks..” he said.