The Thin Line Between Rational and Irrational
Clowns and Crowds
I gulped and he grabbed my hand.
"Everything will be okay. I swear." He whispered in my ear. His voice like an angel. I shook my head, trying to keep my tears in. No! I can't! I can't! I cried in my head, tears brimming my eyes.
The music was loud and happy. Children's giggles echoed. Bright colors pulsed. "No! They're in there! They're gonna kill me! I wanna go home!" I was trying not to cry. I was eighteen years old for crying out loud. I should have a handle on this. "Why are you making me do this?"
It wasn't just the clowns, it was all the people, too. People squeezing next to me, brushing up against me. Touchingme. I took a shaky breath. I could not do this. There was no way. "You're putting me through torture. Please, don't make me do this. It's no fair. Please. I wanna go home." By now I was pulling away, trying to run away. I was going to die if I didn't get out of here!
Suddenly, I heard the laugh. No! It's here! No, no, no! I heard him beckon the thing over here. To "cheer me up". I knew better. He was just playing games with me. Torturing me. Why did I love him so much? I looked down at my feet and closed my eyes. I took deep breaths. In...Out...In...Out.
"What's wrong lil' girl? Would you like a balloon animal?" I heard its dreaded voice. The clown. It was close. Too close. Get it away from me! I let go of his hand and into someone. I spun around, colors blending. I fell to the ground. Shaky breaths. I cried. No, no, no! People gathered around as I shook on the ground. I heard people shout for medical help. No! I just needed to go home. I tried to pull myself up. I managed to but someone grabbed my arm. Voices blended together and I didn't know what to do. I was so scared and confused. All I could hear was the laugh at that dreadful clown. Why was it laughing? What was so funny? My demise? Yes, that was it. My demise. Haha! If that's what will get rid of it, that's what it will get.
I was cold and scared and confused. My glasses had fallen off when I fell to the ground. I had heard a small crack as someone stepped on them. I couldn't hear anything but a thump, thump thump. I think it was my heart. Maybe it was the music. I couldn't tell. Fear welled up inside me. Why didn't he say anything. Tell them to get away from me. Actually, why didn't I say anything? Why was I just standing here, being propped up by some starnger. Oh my God! What if the person is a clown. No! They can't be. I spun around and saw that it wasn't, but it was still a stranger. I sobbed, my chest hurting.
As if the night couldn't get any worse it started to rain. I heard shreiks as the crowd started to disperse. Good, good. I let myself drop to the ground. I heard footsteps come next to me.
"Get up!" His gruff voice was no longer an angel, but the devil. I sobbed and tried to get up. It was pouring already and I was covered in mud. He roughly grabbed my arm and lifted me up. "Why? Why did you bring me here? I want to go home!" I somehow managed to get out through my sobs. Oh God, how my chest hurt. My makeup was probally ruined too.
"You need to get over this stupid fear you have. Its so stupid and pointless. Who the hell is afraid of clowns? And crowds? What the fuck is wrong with you?" He yelled and slapped me across the face. I yelled, "No! Stop! I want to go home!" It was pointless to argue. There was no way I could go home in this state. When I got to his house I was going to call 911 and have the cops take me away. Maybe take him away. I wasn't sure. I just needed to get him away from him.
He practilly dragged me to his house and slammed the door closed. "Don't get my shit wet, you whore," He threatened and stomped into his room. I fell to the ground for what felt like the thousandth time. Why me?
He didn't come out of his room for a long time. When he did, he beat me up for a while because I got "his shit wet". I did not protest because I knew it would be pointless. This was not the first this has happened to me. He has tried to get me over my fears for at least three years now. When he left me again, I grabbed the phone. I had enough of his shit. I wanted to get away. I took a shaky breath and dialed 911.
"Hello, 911. How can I help you?"
"I need to get away!"
"Away from what, honey? Are you hurt?"
"Y-yes! He took me to a carnival! I need to get away!"
"Honey, where are you? I'll call the police and ambulance!"
"I'm at 123 Pacific Street. Please! Hurry! He's coming out of his room, now! I need to go!" I hung up the phone, but not in time. He had seen and heard me. He grabbed me and punched me in the face a few times. I screamed this time, hoping the police will hear me.
"SHUT UP!" He screamed back at me and punched me ten times. I counted. I heard sirens on the eleventh punch. I screamed. No, no, no! I saw the red and blue lights outside the house. He grabbed me by the hair and dragged me to the closet. "Stay quiet, or I'll fucking kill you!" He said through gritted teeth. He pushed me in and shut the door.
I could not hear what was going on, but it was quiet. I eventually fell asleep. But I did not have a dream. All was black and simple, happy. I knew that he would not bother me ever again. Never ever.
"Everything will be okay. I swear." He whispered in my ear. His voice like an angel. I shook my head, trying to keep my tears in. No! I can't! I can't! I cried in my head, tears brimming my eyes.
The music was loud and happy. Children's giggles echoed. Bright colors pulsed. "No! They're in there! They're gonna kill me! I wanna go home!" I was trying not to cry. I was eighteen years old for crying out loud. I should have a handle on this. "Why are you making me do this?"
It wasn't just the clowns, it was all the people, too. People squeezing next to me, brushing up against me. Touchingme. I took a shaky breath. I could not do this. There was no way. "You're putting me through torture. Please, don't make me do this. It's no fair. Please. I wanna go home." By now I was pulling away, trying to run away. I was going to die if I didn't get out of here!
Suddenly, I heard the laugh. No! It's here! No, no, no! I heard him beckon the thing over here. To "cheer me up". I knew better. He was just playing games with me. Torturing me. Why did I love him so much? I looked down at my feet and closed my eyes. I took deep breaths. In...Out...In...Out.
"What's wrong lil' girl? Would you like a balloon animal?" I heard its dreaded voice. The clown. It was close. Too close. Get it away from me! I let go of his hand and into someone. I spun around, colors blending. I fell to the ground. Shaky breaths. I cried. No, no, no! People gathered around as I shook on the ground. I heard people shout for medical help. No! I just needed to go home. I tried to pull myself up. I managed to but someone grabbed my arm. Voices blended together and I didn't know what to do. I was so scared and confused. All I could hear was the laugh at that dreadful clown. Why was it laughing? What was so funny? My demise? Yes, that was it. My demise. Haha! If that's what will get rid of it, that's what it will get.
I was cold and scared and confused. My glasses had fallen off when I fell to the ground. I had heard a small crack as someone stepped on them. I couldn't hear anything but a thump, thump thump. I think it was my heart. Maybe it was the music. I couldn't tell. Fear welled up inside me. Why didn't he say anything. Tell them to get away from me. Actually, why didn't I say anything? Why was I just standing here, being propped up by some starnger. Oh my God! What if the person is a clown. No! They can't be. I spun around and saw that it wasn't, but it was still a stranger. I sobbed, my chest hurting.
As if the night couldn't get any worse it started to rain. I heard shreiks as the crowd started to disperse. Good, good. I let myself drop to the ground. I heard footsteps come next to me.
"Get up!" His gruff voice was no longer an angel, but the devil. I sobbed and tried to get up. It was pouring already and I was covered in mud. He roughly grabbed my arm and lifted me up. "Why? Why did you bring me here? I want to go home!" I somehow managed to get out through my sobs. Oh God, how my chest hurt. My makeup was probally ruined too.
"You need to get over this stupid fear you have. Its so stupid and pointless. Who the hell is afraid of clowns? And crowds? What the fuck is wrong with you?" He yelled and slapped me across the face. I yelled, "No! Stop! I want to go home!" It was pointless to argue. There was no way I could go home in this state. When I got to his house I was going to call 911 and have the cops take me away. Maybe take him away. I wasn't sure. I just needed to get him away from him.
He practilly dragged me to his house and slammed the door closed. "Don't get my shit wet, you whore," He threatened and stomped into his room. I fell to the ground for what felt like the thousandth time. Why me?
He didn't come out of his room for a long time. When he did, he beat me up for a while because I got "his shit wet". I did not protest because I knew it would be pointless. This was not the first this has happened to me. He has tried to get me over my fears for at least three years now. When he left me again, I grabbed the phone. I had enough of his shit. I wanted to get away. I took a shaky breath and dialed 911.
"Hello, 911. How can I help you?"
"I need to get away!"
"Away from what, honey? Are you hurt?"
"Y-yes! He took me to a carnival! I need to get away!"
"Honey, where are you? I'll call the police and ambulance!"
"I'm at 123 Pacific Street. Please! Hurry! He's coming out of his room, now! I need to go!" I hung up the phone, but not in time. He had seen and heard me. He grabbed me and punched me in the face a few times. I screamed this time, hoping the police will hear me.
"SHUT UP!" He screamed back at me and punched me ten times. I counted. I heard sirens on the eleventh punch. I screamed. No, no, no! I saw the red and blue lights outside the house. He grabbed me by the hair and dragged me to the closet. "Stay quiet, or I'll fucking kill you!" He said through gritted teeth. He pushed me in and shut the door.
I could not hear what was going on, but it was quiet. I eventually fell asleep. But I did not have a dream. All was black and simple, happy. I knew that he would not bother me ever again. Never ever.
♠ ♠ ♠
Enjoy! =]