What I Can't Recall

It had been a long, hard night, so naturally I don't sleep in. I find myself waking up at the crack of dawn. Eight thirty. Scowling, I get up and find myself stepping on Ellie's sleeping bag, and- in turn- probably Ellie, too.

"Sorry," I start, but look down to see she's not even there. This is odd. Ellie never wakes up before me. She never wakes up before noon; otherwise she's grouchy. She's not one to cross when she's been sleep-deprived. Sighing, I quickly make my way out of my room and into the kitchen, which is the next place I’d expect Ellie to be, poptart in hand.

I hear voices before entering the kitchen and hold back in the hall a bit, to listen in. One voice is clearly Bryler’s, and I’m fairly sure the other’s is Jake. They sound like they are fighting.

“This is fucking ridiculous!” Bryler says, fuming. I can tell he‘s mad. I am one hundred percent sure his face is red with anger, without even seeing him. He never drops the F bomb. Not unless he‘s super pissed. “I’m not gonna stand here and fight with you about this in my own house.”

“It’s not just your house,” Jake says- I’m sure it’s him now. I can tell by how his voice is raised, yet it’s still quiet “It’s September’s too, and I’m fairly sure she’d be fine with me being here. You don’t want to fight, so be it. But I’m going to wake up September, and then I’m going to-”

“Going to what?” Bryler demands. He really needs to calm down; I don‘t see why he‘s so mad. Jake hasn‘t said anything offensive or bad. It‘s weird, being around Bryler when he‘s like this. He so rarely gets mad.

“Yes, what is it exactly you’re going to do?” I ask, making my entrance, hoping this would make both of the boys stop shouting. They both stare at me for a moment, a little shocked at my appearance, but don’t say anything about it.

“Invite you to the lake,” Jake answers straight off, flipping his dark hair out of his bright green eyes that I never seemed to have noticed before now. They remind me of emeralds. “I’m going down there today and thought some company would be nice.”

Bryler glares at him with his dark eyes, and something tells me he had plans for us today. I could just tell by looking at him; the look on his face was a mixture of jealously and rage. He never got like this. Ever. Jake must have said something to him earlier that made him so mad.
“I… I guess I could go,” I say carefully, not wanting Bryler upset with me, but not wanting to turn Jake down, either. I don’t want him disappointed.

“Great,” Jake said, clapping his hands together enthusiastically as he did so. It was a very unlike-him gesture. “Let’s go, then.”

“Wait,” I said, holding out my hand to stop him in his tracks. “Three things before we go. One, I need food. Two, I need new clothes. Three, where is Ellie?”

“She had to go home. Her parents called,” Bryler answers quickly- before Jake has a chance to- shrugging.

“Did she say why?” I ask him, pushing my mess of hair out of my face quickly.

“Nope,” Bryler says, smiling a little. “And as for breakfast, Mom bought some more cereal yesterday. It’s in the pantry. I‘ll get it-”

“I’ll take you out to eat,” Jake volunteers at once, interrupting Bryler. “Just go get dressed and we’ll go to Hardy’s or something.”

“Don’t tell her what to do,” Bryler says, sounding mad all over again. A frown is on his face.
“I’ll do whatever the hell I like,” Jake says harshly. “You need to just-

“I’m going to go change,” I say loudly, trying to distract them both. “Try not to kill each other while I’m gone, kay?”

“Whatever,” they both mumble in synchronization. They glared at each other a moment before dropping their gaze to the floor. I took this moment to exit the room, and make my way back to my bedroom.

I shut the door, and look around the room. It’s the guest room, or at least it was until May 6th. The day my mother died. I knew it then, the minute I walked into my house and saw my mother on the floor, that this is where I’d end up. In a place I didn’t really belong. I push that to the back of my mind, and take in the other details of the room.

My bed isn’t made; the Mickey Mouse comforter is totally twisted up, and the white sheets are a mess as well. On the floor directly next to it is the black sleeping bag Ellie had left on the floor. It looks so dark in contrast to Sarah’s snow-white carpet. I pick it up, and carry it over to my closet. I shove it inside, picking a clean shirt up off the floor as I do so. I throw it over my tank top and pull some jean shorts on. I make my way carefully around all the dirty clothes and CDs in my floor. The flower from last night is one of the many random items of junk on my dresser. I pick it up, just touching it for a moment, before setting it down again. I slip on some flip flops before opening the door, and re-entering the war zone once more. They are fighting again; I can hear them.

“Dude, this is the last time I’m gonna say this-” Bryler shouts, but before he can finish I yell at them both.

“SHUT UP!” I say. “Stop it! Get along with each other, good God!”

They both shut their mouths immediately, as if I have some kind of power over them. Which is good, of course, but an odd feeling nonetheless.

“Okay,” I say slowly, “now, Bryler, please tell your mom that I’ve gone to the lake with Jake. I’ll be back before two. Jake, let‘s go.”

“Okay,” they both say in synchronization once more, not sounding the least bit happy.

******************************************************************************************

“Lame!” Is Jake’s response when I refuse to jump in the lake fully clothed. “C’mon, September. Be a little spontaneous.”

“The lake is cold!” I protest. “And I don’t wanna get my clothes all wet!”

“You could always just take them off,” he says with a suggestive smirk. I know he’s kidding, so I roll my eyes. Maybe he isn’t as strange of a guy as I’d thought after all. He has all their normal tendencies.

“Or I could just not jump in,” I counter, crossing my arms across my chest and trying my hardest not to smile. He was making it really hard.

“Well, I’ll make you a deal,” he says easily, walking around me in a circle. “You jump in- fully clothed- and I’ll answer any question you want me to- God knows you’ve got about six hundred of them. And I’ll even let you borrow some nice, dry clothes I’ve got in the trunk of my car. Deal?”

I think it over for a moment.
“Well-” I start. “I don’t know. I mean, what if I still can’t swim? It’ll be like the pool fiasco all over again.”

“I’m here,” he replies surely. “I won’t let anything happen to you. I swear.”
“You pinky promise?” I ask with a grin, holding out my pinky finger.

“Pinky promise,” he echoes, a grin of his own much like mine etched on his face. He leans over me- from all the circling around, he’s behind me now- practically wrapping his arms around my shoulders as well- and take my hand, intertwining his pinky finger with mine. “You ready to jump?”

“Well… I don’t know,” I say. “Maybe if-”

I feel hands push me forward towards the water again, but this time they’re much more gentle. A little bit more loving, you could say. I scream, though I’m really not scared. I trust him. I feel my body collide with the cold water, and shiver a little bit. I’m only in the darkness a moment before resurfacing. I take a deep breath and push the wet hair out of my face.

“I’m going to kill you,” I tell him, making my way towards the bank. Once close enough, he leans over the water and lifts me up out of it, like I’m some little kid. He’s strong. He sets me down on the grass carefully, then plops down next to me.

He grins down at me. He takes my hand carefully, leaning in a little bit closer. “Is that so?”

“Yes,” I say, very aware of how close he is. I try to distract myself by talking. “I’d like to ask my one question now.”

“Ah, I thought you’d say that,” he says, “but the thing is, I said if you jumped. I pushed you.”

“Oh, that is so unfair on so many levels,” I say, furrowing my eyebrows and trying to be mad. “Uncool.”

“I will give you some dry clothes, though,” he say, “in a minute, anyways. I’m way too lazy to get up and go get them out of my car right now.”

I hit him on the shoulder. “Lazy ass,” I say, but I’m only kidding. I let him know that by smiling.

“That’s what they call me,” he replies with a shrug. “So anyways, I’ve been thinking about it. And I’ll let you ask one question, as long as you answer mine first.”

“I don’t know…” I trail off. I know how dangerous an answer can be, depending on what the question is. “What kind of question?”

“An easy one,” he promises. “A yes or no question. I swear it won’t be hard.”

“Well…” I draw out, stalling for time. “Fine. I’m only giving you a yes or no, though.”

“Do you love me?” He asks simply, looking at me clearly with those green eyes. I feel like he’s staring into my soul, and for once I don’t have anything to say. I stare at him speechlessly for a moment. “Well?”

That was the last thing I was expecting. The last thing I ever thought a guy would ask me. But here Jake is, of all people, asking me. I truly don’t know what to say. Finally, I decide on something.

“I don’t what love is,” I say, as I’d been told so many times before. Those other times, I was mad. The people who said it made me feel like a little kid. But now I’m glad to have an excuse.

“Well, it’s something like this,” he says, leaning in even closer, placing his lips on mine. They linger there for a moment before he starts to tug a little on my bottom lip. I lean in closer to him, sort of in an involuntary way, and my arms wrapped around him. We stay this way for who knows how long before coming up for air. He continues on with what he was saying earlier, as my heart pounds faster and faster.

“And now your heart should be pounding faster, you should have butterflies in your stomach. And you wish I was still kissing you right now. Something tells you that nothing matters anymore, so long as we’re together. You don’t care if I think you look ridiculous right now, all soaking wet; your hair a mess. You don’t care about all the little things. All that matters is that right now, this moment, we’re together. So what‘s the verdict? Do you love me or no?”

That pretty much sums up how I’m feeling now, but I can’t tell him that. For one, I doubt that’s really what love is. If it is, it comes too easily. And sure, I felt all those things, but mixed with an array of other things also. Feeling for Bryler as well. It was finally starting to dawn on me that maybe he really did like me. Maybe he really did kiss me for a good reason. I didn’t know why, but for some reason he seemed to think so. That was becoming apparent.

“I don’t know what love is,” I repeat, much quieter this time. My voice is a little weaker. He just looks at me for the longest time, and I can’t tell if he’s mad or upset or what. He doesn’t lean any further away; he’s still inches from my face. He doesn’t let go of my hand, which in somewhere amidst the kissing he grabbed.

“Do you love Bryler?” He asks after a moment. He doesn’t seem mad, nor upset. His voice is calm. He seems curious.

“I don’t know what love is,” I repeat one last time. I’ve found it’s easier to avoid questions all-together than answer them.

Jake smiles, satisfied with my answer, then pulls me closer once again. “Maybe I can teach you,” he says, pulling me into another kiss.