Is That Your Reason or Your Excuse?

That morning, I woke up crying. Devastation filled my heart and I regretted leaving my old life behind. This isn't what I wanted, this isn't what I expected. I tried fooling myself before, trying to convince my own being that this was exactly what I wanted. What I longed for. Truth be told, I was so scared now.

"Can you please just say something?" I snapped my head towards the direction of the voice. Instantly my gaze fell upon his green eyes. I quickly looked away and mumbled my apologies for not speaking.

"Nah, don't be sorry. Its just so weird, you know?" He looked away and crossed his arms. "Could you at least just say something? Anything, please?"

"U-uh," I stuttered. "thank you for taking me out." I really didn't know what else to say, especially after last night. My gratitude didn't really show its true intentions since he took me out on the town against his own will. Valary's the one who actually made him. Naturally, I began to worry about my well being when she told me but she said he was harmless as a kitten when he was sober. I took her word and so far she hasn't been proven wrong.

"Yeah, no problem," he snorted.

I took a bit of fries from the table and nibbled on them awkwardly. I really didn't know what to do in this situation.

"By the way," Zacky began. "I'm really sorry for what I did last night."

"It's okay," I murmured.

"No its not, and I'm surprised that Valary didn't do something really tormenting. The sad part is, I don't even remember what I did," he said as he ran his fingers through his disheveled hair.

I didn't really know what to say, I felt more uncomfortable now then I did before. Instead I kept quiet and just let him continue.

"Man, I should've never brought you along. I really didn't know what I was doing at the time. It was really stupid. You know what? I'm bringing you back home."

"W-what?" I looked at Zacky in disbelief. "What about your band? You can't just abandon them."

Zacky sighed and looked at me. "Dude, all of this crap is my fault. I bought the drugs, I nearly raped you apparently, and I'm also the one that kidnapped you. Your family must be worried, wait, you do have a family right?"

I nodded.

"Okay then, yeah, you need to go back. I don't even care if they throw me in jail, its probably better that way."

I took his hands that laid on the table, trying anyway to reach out to him and make him stop. "No," I said. "you can't."

Now he looked at me with eyes of disbelief. "What? Isn't this what you want? To go back?"

I shook my head in disagreement. "No," I said softly. "I'm happy I left. I'm not trapped anymore."

Zacky looked at me like I was some weird problem he just didn't get. "Wait," he began. "your happy? Even after all this shit I put you through, your happy?."

"Yeah," I said lowering my gaze. "I-I mean I guess, I am. I really don't know…"

"I don't get it." He simply said.

I sighed but then I realized my grip was still on his hands. Instantly that flash of heat reached my cheeks and I quickly let go, nearly throwing his own hand to him. I quickly lowered my face, looking down at my table and putting my hands in my lap. I soon heard Zacky laugh, causing my embarrassment to increase.

"Your weren't kidding when you said you never had a boyfriend were you?" Zacky laughed.

I looked up at him in shock and when he saw my face he quickly shut up. I realized then that he did remember that night in the bathroom. I could see it in his face, the shame and regret. I quickly looked down once more, I didn't think this day could get anymore uncomfortable.

"Man, I really am sorry for everything," he said very softly. I could hear him shuffling around a bit but I still refused to look up.

We stayed quiet for a moment and it stayed like that for a while. All my appetite was suddenly gone too. The smell of the greasy food in front of us was almost sickening now and only caused me nausea.

"Look," he began. "I'll give you a choice."

I looked at him and raised a brow. "A choice?"

"Yeah, I'll figure out a way and I'll take you back home. Or you can stay here with us and continue on with the tour."

"Can I ask you something first?" I mumbled.

"Yeah, I guess."

"Why do you do it?" I didn't need to specify what exactly 'it' was. We both knew exactly what I was talking about. I wanted to know what made the drugs so tempting to him. Why he chose this life style for himself. Why he constantly wanted to waste each moment on something that had a long devastating effect.

"Do really wanna know?" he said with a somber gaze.

"Well, I mean, I did just ask."

He smiled at me before he began. "I do it because of everything: my family, my regrets, my life. So far up to now I really haven't been satisfied with anything. I have a mom and dad that don't give two shits about their own son. A brother who seems to be perfect in everyway. And so far up to now I've seem to be so worthless. Yea sure, my family's loaded but that really all I seem to be good for lately. That's why anyone really talks to me, for the cash or for the drugs.

"But even though I seem to have the money, I still get picked on by every other fucking being on this planet. No matter what, I never seem to be good enough. When I'm on the drugs I don't seem to have a fucking care in the world. And really, that's all I ever want, to not care. And because I choose not to be fucking pricks like my parents are. I refuse to be anything like my parents."

he didn't say anything after that, and I really didn't want him too. I understood, I really did.

"So let me ask you again. Do you want to stay on this tour or go home?" He asked.

I didn't know what I would do after this whole tour, where I would go, or where I'd even end up. I just took the first chance I had at freedom and ran with it, but was this really worth it? I was almost violated completely by a boy I've only technically lived with for so long, yet knew nothing about. What was even more scary was how I longed to help him. Because, even though we lived completely opposite lives, we were exactly the same. We were both trapped by our own lives and family. People have told us over and over that we would never be anything but what we were born as. We both took any type of control over our lives. He chose drugs and I chose a careless mistake to travel with them. I saw no difference between us because in the end, we knew the dangers yet we still carried on with our choices.