Is That Your Reason or Your Excuse?

The foundation of love was always set in stone for me. You get with a boy, eventually get married and you both give yourselves to each other. Realistically I knew that’s not how most people functioned or even thought about in a relationship. Sex was in it’s own gray area and everyone thought about it differently, that was one thing I wasn’t ignorant about. Still, Zacky simply going about what he was about to do with this girl as if it was nothing made my stomach turn with a mixture of feelings. As much as tried to ignore and even forget about what was about to happen, I simply couldn’t. It was like trying to push back a wall at full force. What was even scarier and foreign to me was how much I cared about it.

"Well guys I guess we can go get a hotel somewhere, please try not to trash it," Valary said as we got inside the van.

"Oh you know its no fun that way," Jimmy complained. "can we still invite some groupies over?"

"Oh yea let me call all the girls who listen to you guys....wait, we're already here," Valary teased.

Valary laughed but the boys weren't very amused. They settled in the car with their eyes looking up at the ceiling.

I settled myself in the van and held my clasped hands in my lap. My leg began to shake and I bit my lips nervously. I didn't know what was wrong with me, but my stomach felt black and twisted.

"You okay?" Matt asked me from the driver's seat and I simply nodded my head.

"I think she's just tired, Matt. I think we all are." Valary said.

"You've got that right," Jimmy said as he stretched out and yawned.

"Let's hit up a hotel or something," Johnny suggested.

And they did just that. We found a decent hotel somewhere near by and managed to get only two bedrooms since Zacky was the one in charge of the financial stuff, but since he wasn't present we couldn't afford much else for the night. One the boys managed to call Zacky with the room numbers and made sure to inform staff that there was one more coming.

"Okay, so let's see room arrangements," Valary began as she held the room keys in her hands. "Me, Matt, and Amy in one room and you three and Zacky in the other room. Sound good to you?"

"Wait, we have to share beds? What if I wanna get lucky like Zacky?" Brian said as he pouted slightly.

"Zacky just got lucky, if you get laid it'll be a miracle," Matt teased while everyone laughed. Brian simply rolled his eyes.

"It won't be that bad, we can have our own party without Valary whining and complaining about the noise," Jimmy said.

Valary glared at him and stuck out her tongue.

After a while we finally settled into our appropriate rooms and got ready for bed. Matt and Valary cuddled and watched T.V. while I drifted to sleep watching Cops.

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I woke up the next morning with an odd feeling. I finally tensed up when I realized someone was leaning on my backside and there arm around me. I felt scared and before I knew it I was screaming and jumping out of bed.

Everyone else in the room soon followed the same actions and it was chaos until we all quieted down to look at the scene. Matt and Valary soon put the pieces together and Valary began screaming at Zacky while Matt pulled her back while Zacky grabbed his head with a face contorted with pain. No doubt he was hungover.

"You stupid idiot! How could you do this to her!" Valary yelled.

"Val calm down, babe. He probably was to drunk to realize what he was doing." Matt said as he tried to reason with her.

"I'm sorry! Geez," Zacky said.

"Are you okay, Amy?" Matt asked and I simply nodded with gaping eyes. I didn't know what to make of the situation.

"Get out!" Valary yelled as she pushed Zacky out the door.

"Ow, ow! Okay geez!" Zacky said as he went into the hall.

Finally Valary came towards me and pulled me into a hug. "I'm so sorry!"

"It's really okay," I assured her. "I was just a little surprised."

"A little?" Matt laughed. "You woke up the whole fucking city."

"I'm really sorry guys," I said. "I didn't mean to wake anyone up."

Valary pulled away and laughed. "It's okay, I thought someone was murdering you. You scared me."

"I'm gonna go see if Zacky's okay," I said as I headed out.

"Oh, I'm sure his head is throbbing but he'll be fine," Matt smiled.

"Wait, hold on. I'll give you some aspirin you can give that dumbass." Valary said as she handed it over to me. "I'm gonna go make coffee now, I'm pretty wide awake now."

"Yeah," Matt chuckled. "me too."

I stepped out of the hall and looked both ways seeing if I could spot him but he was no where in sight. I was about to step off and search the hotel before I heard him which caused me to jump.

"Sorry about that," Zacky said. I looked down and saw him sitting down leaning against the wall.

I bent down and handed him the aspirin. "It's okay, I wasn't expecting company that's all."

He ripped up the small package and took both aspirins whole.

"No water?" I wondered.

"Nah," He muttered. "Ugh, some morning."

"I'm so sorry," I said.

"For what? Acting completely normal to the situation of finding some strange guy in your bed...well you should be."

I laughed a little at his joke and sat with my legs crossed beside him.

"I should be the one sorry," Zacky sighed. "I don't even remember last night. I'd probably been giving you hell this whole trip, huh?"

"No," I answered. "it just..."

He looked over at me with a questioning look. "Just what?"

"I don't know," I answered truthfully. "Why do you do it though?"

"Do what?"

"The drugs," I asked. "it doesn't seem much fun."

He looked at me and smiled before he leaned his head back and closed his eyes. "You're cute."

I blushed slightly at this comment and moved around uncomfortably.

"Didn't I already answer that question?"

"I guess but that didn't really seem much of a reason more like an excuse," I said.

He looked at me with serene eyes and I felt nervous under their gaze, to the point I had to look away.

"An excuse?"

I nodded. "The way you act, solely depends on you. The way you talked the other day made it seem like everyone makes you do it. I don't think anyone made you do it," I said.

"I'm sorry." I apologized. "I was just wondering I shouldn't have said anything."

I looked up and he was very pensive. It took him a bit before he answered.

"I guess because it's much easier to just forget things then deal with them," He answered. "it was also the easiest way to piss off my parents. I always had to live up to their standards and I had to live up to their goals. I was never good enough, drugs made it easier to forget them. It made everything okay for a little bit. I know that still doesn't excuse my actions but damn. I don't care anymore." He sighed.

We sat there in a silence that appeared slightly awkward but neither of us could walk away.

"I really am sorry, you know." He finally said. "I feel like I'm traumatizing you."

I stayed silent and fumbled my fingers around and looked at him. He was staring at me and I was nervous once more but I didn't look away.

"I know I said I was gonna, make this trip fun for you. I guess I haven't been doing that." He stood up suddenly.

"Ow," He said rubbing his temples. "probably shouldn't have done that so quickly."

I laughed at him before I saw he outstretched his hand towards me. I looked at him questioningly.

"Come on," He said as he pulled me up.

"What are we doing?"

"Fulfilling my promise," he simply said.

"But I'm not dressed!" I said looking down at my sleeping attire.

"You don't need to be dressed to have a good time, trust me."

Zacky was full of surprises and each time I grew fond of him. I knew shouldn't be, he was misguided and dangerous. But I couldn't walk away from him.

I was drawn to him a bug to a fire.