I'm Just the Covers on Top of Your Bed

And it hurts with every heart beat, and it hurts with every heartbeat. But I don’t look back.

It was snowing that day, the wind made the little snowflakes twirl. The air was below freezing outside and in her bedroom since the window was open. A beautiful snow covered city asleep in the early January winter. The New Year had brought this fresh new feeling in the air, she felt it as she lay there underneath her warm duvet cover. She smiled as she felt her unborn baby boy kick inside of her, more than ready to have him she smiled. The sound of someone at the door drew her out of her thoughts.

“Natalie?” Gerard called from the other room.

“In here!” she called back. Gerard took of his shoes and hung up his jacket in the closet. The snow was still in his hair when he entered her bedroom.

“It’s freezing in here!” he said.

“Yeah, that’s because the window is open.” She responded and turned to meet his eyes.

“And why is that?”

“So we can here the snow fall.” Natalie responded simply too his easy question.

“And who is we?”

“Timothy and I”

“Timothy? Didn’t you decide on Alexander yesterday?” Gerard smiled.

“Yeah, but I realized I wanted to name my boy Timothy instead of Alexander. Timothy, Tim is much prettier also.”

“Okay! You want me to close the window?”

“NO! Come here underneath the cover instead!”

“Okay!” Gerard kissed her forehead as he placed himself next to her. He too now breathed in the cold air and heard the snow fall. Well he pretended he did since nobody really can hear the snow fall.

“You got snow in your hair!” Natalie said and brushed it out of his newly black colored hair. They both smiled but did not kiss, they weren’t lovers anymore. In the beginning there had been such strong passion between them nice month ago but not anymore. As the baby had grown the love they shared turned into a close friendship. She had grew as a person and finally managed to find herself again. Right now in the comfort of her bed everything was working out really well. She hardly left the apartment at the moment and had her friends stop by every time they were in town, everyone but two that used to be by her side; Bert and Patrick. She hadn’t talked to Patrick since the day he had told her he loved her and vanished. That day on tour when she finally hit her lowest point and admitted to herself that she can’t expect someone else to carry her. She had broken into pieces and began with Gerard’s help to glue them together again and he became her closest friend. She could never call him her best friend. That title belonged to Patrick and she wanted it to stay that way even though he wasn’t there. She really did miss him a lot. Concerning Bert she couldn’t pretend to careless about him. Even though her heart kept telling her about the love she felt for him and was carrying his child her mind told her she hated him.

You are my sweetest downfall, I loved you first but now you’re gone. Your hair was long when we first meet. I loved you first, beneath the stars that came falling down on our heads.

In that moment Bert was across town trying not to think about her. Not to think about Gerard’s arms dressing her waist and feeling her skin. That day Quinn and the rest of his band had been to visit her but not him. Quinn had told him Gerard was living with her and that had made his hate grow. He knew he should be there since she was carrying his child but he wished he could be with her again. His eyes were focused on the falling snow outside the window. New York in his opinion had never felt more depressing.

“Bert!” Quinn called from behind.

“Yeah?” he responded.

“Are you okay?”

“Yes, I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“You don’t look okay?”

“But I am. Man, stop worrying about me.” Bert kept looking out the window.

“She misses you! You know.”

“Who?” he knew exactly who he meant.

“Natalie!”

“Did she say that?”

“No, she didn’t have too. I could see it anyway.”

“The snow is coming down pretty hard.”

“Hey, don’t change the subject! I started this conversation and I say we are not done!”

“What? Stop being a prick and I wouldn’t have to.” Bert didn’t turn away from the window.

“Whatever, this is really getting old! Just talk to her and tell her you miss her. I can tell by all your lyrics that you miss her! Just get off your high horse and call her. It’s time to crawl out you ass!” Quinn left the room and Bert quickly pulled his phone out of his pants pocket. Looking through the phone catalogue until her name crossed the screen. He looked at it and wished he could press the call bottom, but what if he answered. They used to be close laughing at every moment, now he couldn’t even remember how it started in the first place. Things he cared about always ended badly messed up and damaged. Maybe it was all it could ever do, it was his life too live and he knew he should cherish ever good moment of it. Rejection is just a way of life. He closed his phone and stepped away from the window. It was late enough for him to go to bed. Everything was just so boring.

Lost friends, hearts and everything else. Tell me is it all gonna be just fine?

Natalie woke up the next morning with the window still open. The coldness itched in her nose as her bare feet touched the wood floor. She closed the window and saw that the snow was still falling outside and lay like a thick cover on every road and roof. It was really cold in the entire apartment and she noticed then that Gerard was awake.

“Good Morning.” she said cheerfully.

“Morning! You should get back before you get a cold, and that wouldn’t be good for you or the baby.”

“Eh, you are overreacting. But I don’t feel like being cold.” She crawled back into his arms. “Thank you for being here for me!”

“Yeah, that’s what friends do!”

“Yeah.” she began twirling her red hair through her fingers and admitted to something she had been holding inside for so long. “I miss Patrick!”

“I know you do and I’m sorry he isn’t here with you.”

“Yeah, but you are here!” she kissed his cheek. “Thank you for being so great towards me even though this is not yours.”

“You don’t need to thank me, as I said this is what friends do. And as your friends I think you should tell him.” Bert’s name was never spoken; he was always just refereed as him. She tried not to think about him, it only hurt her.

“Gerard, please!” Natalie faced away from Gerard. “We have already discussed this countless of times. Please respect that I don’t want him to know. It’s my choice.”

“Nat, Bert has already lost a child once and…”

“NO! This is done, finished and buried.” Natalie’s voice had made it final and Gerard’s arm disappeared from her waist. She felt his weight disappear from the bed and heard his steps as he left the room. It was just like every other time they had argued about this. Still in the end it always ended with them apologies and then do it all over again.

‘Cause I ain’t missing you at all, since you been gone

That night a little baby boy was born and given the name Timothy Gerard Salinger. Natalie lay in her hospital bed and watched her little miracle sleep. He was perfect with ten fingers and ten toes. Never before had she felt this strong affection towards anything in her life. That little boy was hers; she couldn’t take her eyes of him. She stretched her arm out and touched his soft skin gently. Right there she promised to make him good, he was new and undamaged and she was keen on keeping it like that. The thought of taking him home scared her, what if she did something wrong? What if she wouldn’t be enough? Her head began filling up with what if after what if and she had to tell herself No! I’ll do this. I’ll be a great mother.

“Hey!” She heard a familiar voice and looked up and saw one of the least persons she ever though would stand there.

“Patrick!” She almost cried right there, even though she hadn’t shredded a tear in months. He walked up towards her and gave her a hug. She smelled him feeling even happier than ever.

“I wasn’t sure if you wanted to see me.” He said softly not meeting Natalie’s eyes, his was instead fixated on a spot on her for head.

“I’ve missed you so much!” She didn’t know what else she could say. Afraid anything she said might send him off the door again.

“I’m sorry I left it like this. But everything was just so twisted and I couldn’t see…” He began.

“It’s okay. We were both in really weird places. But you are here now and that’s what matters.” Natalie touched his cheek and their eyes met.

“Yeah.” Patrick said.

“So there is someone I want you to meet.” Natalie smiled and picked up her now awake boy. “This is Timothy my son.” The tears began streaming and she laughed.

“Oh Nat, He is adorable!” Patrick laughed too.

“Can we come in yet we are dying out here!” she heard Pete’s voice from the outside.

“Yeah!” she called back and the door opened and the rest of Fall Out Boy and Natalie’s band came into the room. The all gathered around her bed, she looked around after Gerard and couldn’t see him anywhere. That was kind of odd but she hadn’t more time to think about it when Pete began to speak.

“Hey little dude, I’m your uncle Pete! If ya need anything, someone to teach you how to play soccer, hook up with girls or become a rock star I’m here for you little dude!” Pete said as Natalie placed her treasure in his tattooed arms. “We are gonna have so much fun you and I!” She laughed with a huge grin placed on her lips.

Natalie left the hospital the next morning. Gerard was nowhere to be seen and her band mate Dylan drove them home. And there in Gerard’s empty room on the bed she found this scrambled down in Gerard’s handwriting:

Dear Natalie,
You got the tools to make it. Now you just got to prove it to me and to the world. The world is you playfield so make the most of it. You are going to be a great mom, know that.
Love Gerard.

Ps. Just call if you need me and I’ll be right there. Ds.

She couldn’t help but to smile as she replaced the note on the bed, walked out the room and closed the door. She had no intention to walk in there anytime soon.