Early Sunsets Over Monroeville

It was two years ago, when we were both sixteen that I realized I was in love with my best friend.
Best friend that is now in front of me, on his knees, begging me to shoot him.

3 Hours earlier…

Something just woke me up and I can’t remember what.
And now I’m awake at…3 in the morning! Great!
I can never fall asleep after I wake up in the middle of the night…

*Tap*. What the….? Another tap in my window interrupts my thoughts.
Who in the world could be tapping on my window at 3 am?

“Gerard! Open up!” Right! Frank can, apparently.

I get up and walk to my window, opening it and letting Frank climb in.

“What are you doing here? How did you even get up here?” I ask watching him catch his breath

“Tree” he shrugged, “Listen, I need to talk to you. Do you think we can go somewhere else? I brought my mum’s car”.

“Sure” I say. It’s not uncommon for us to go out in the night, to get away from the world. But I’m the one who usually goes to him, complaining about my stupid catholic parents and their stupid beliefs!

Tonight though, he came to me.

I gesture him to follow me and open the door quietly, stepping into the hall and walking down the stairs, trying not to wake up my parents and Mikey, my baby brother.

I turn my head to look back at him in our way to the back door, and our eyes meet. I smile, he doesn’t.

I shrug it off and open the back door for him, stepping outside behind him and locking the door after me.

When I turn back to walk to the car he’s already inside it, looking ahead, one hand rubbing his forehead.

He turns the car on as I slid into the passenger’s seat and starts driving.

“Did I wake you up?” he breaks the silence, startling me.

“Yeah, it’s okay though” I smile.

“I’m sorry. I just really needed to talk to you”.

“Hey don’t worry, it’s okay. You’re always there for me when I need you”

He nods taking his gaze back to the road and I look outside the window. We never talk about our escapades in the car. The issue is born and dies in the park.

I look back at him and smile. I missed him. I haven’t seen him in the past couple of days; I never do, during weekends.

The car smells of him, I noticed, which makes me smile wider even if I know deep down that whatever he wants to tell to me is serious.
I feel myself drift off, the last thing I notice before I fall asleep is his hand on my arm; But then again, it could be just another trick of my mind.

I open my eyes from a dreamless nap and notice we’re still driving.

“How long have I been out?” I ask, looking at him.

“Not long, we’re almost there”

Something is not right! He usually talks so much more than me.

He pulls over in a dirty, empty parking lot as I rub the sleep from my eyes.

“Frankie” I ask, not recognizing the place, “What are we doing here?”

He doesn’t say anything, just stares ahead, his breath shallow.
I’m starting to get scared when he turns to me, eyes unfocused and says “Follow me”.

It takes me two minutes to follow him until the middle of the parking lot, away from the car, thousands of situations crossing my mind.

“Where are we?” I ask when I finally reach him, “And why are we here?”

“I need to ask you something Gerard, I need you to do something for me…will you do it?”

“Of course I will, you know that…” I say confused.

“Promise me…promise me you’ll do it”

“What is it Frankie?” I question, taking a step forward, extending my hand to touch him.

“No!” he says avoiding my hand, “Just promise me!!”

His voice is getting louder and louder by the second, and I bet he can read the confusion and hurt written all over my face because he’s walking to me.

“Don’t yell at me…I promise” I whisper as fingers touch my cheek, his way of apologizing “I promise”

“You’re going to wish you didn’t promise” he just says with a sad smile on his face.

He takes back his hand and his stare meets mine and I take a step back, frozen.

Sadness and pain! That’s all I can see before his eyes go blank.
There’s nothing there anymore…

“Frank, what…I…”

“Shoot me” he says, looking me dead in the eyes, his voice as expressionless as his face.

There’s a long silence until the realization of what he said hit me.

A wave of nausea sweeps over me and I drop on my knees, emptying the contents on my stomach. This is not happening to me…

I feel him crouching on my side, rubbing my back with one hand and stroking my hair with the other.

I look up at him, still on his knees, trying to figure out how I didn’t see this coming. He’s talked about wanting to leave before…
I guess I just never gave it too much importance.

“I told you…” he whispers, helping me getting up.

I stare at him, shocked, not knowing what to say. “You said it so many times but I just thought you were overreacting…” I mumble to myself, trying to understand what’s going on.

“Gee” he pleads, “I need you to do that for me. I can’t do it myself, I don’t have the guts…”

“And what makes you think I do?”

“Gee…”

“I can’t!! God, only f you knew it.”

“I do. That’s why I’m asking you!”

I stop, looking at him, afraid. “What do you know?”

“You’re in love with me” he says looking at the ground.

I stare at him shocked for the second time tonight, opening and closing my mouth, not knowing what to say.

“Why? How?” I groan.

“You’re not the best person at hiding his feelings, Gee” he says taking his eyes off the ground. “I figured it out a long time ago.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?” I say not even denying it.

“I didn’t want to hurt you; I didn’t want to lose you!” Breaking my heart as much as he was afraid he would “You’re the only thing real in my life. Everything else is just a beautiful lie!!”

He walks to me and I let myself be embraced by him, hugging him as tight.
“I had another fight with them today…I can’t take this anymore” he whispers in my ear.

There’s so much pain in those words…In his voice…
I nod and I can almost feel him smile against my neck.

He lets go, not looking at me and turns around, walking toward the car.
And I watch, frozen, numb as he picks up a gun and starts loading it.

I close my eyes, willing myself to wake up from this nightmare…but I’m not sleeping.
I want to run away, away from all this, but my feet are stuck to the ground.
I can’t move.

I swallow as he walks away from the car, both hands closed tight around the gun. I can see his knuckles turning white…

“Can I hand it to you?” I nod my head, not trusting my voice just yet as he takes my arm and places the gun on my hand.

I can feel the blood on my body rushing up to my brain as the cold metal touches my palm, and my fingers close around it.

I’ve been fantasizing all my life, about holding a gun and taking someone’s life…and when my sick and twisted revenge fantasy comes true I despise it more than anything in my life.

The worst thing about me is going to destroy the only thing I truly love.
Pathetic, right?

“Remember….” He starts. I rest my arms on my sides and look at him, trying to forget the gun in my hand “Remember our song? Remember when we were kids and would listen to it over and over again?” I nod my head, not sure of where this is going.

“Wouldn’t it be great to love and be loved like that? That’s my only regret…love.”

“Frankie…” I plead

“My whole life is a lie!! I’m nothing but a disappointment to my parents and family; I get bullied and beaten every fucking day at school just because I’m short and because of the clothes I wear! I’m never good enough at anything!! I only let people down!”

“That’s not true Frank!” I say desperate.

“It’s true!! And you fucking know it! I need to go away!”

“No, no! Everything is going to be okay! I’ll help you, you’ll see. And everything is going to be okay”

“No, it’s not! I’m not strong like you! You’re the only one I care about. I need you to do this! I trust only you!”

“No! I’ll help you and everything will be okay. We’ll graduate high school in a few months and we’ll both laugh this off. You’ll see” I keep saying, not wanting the reality to sink in.

“Gee, just…don’t” he says shaking his head, “I don’t want to be here anymore, I can’t go on like this, I’m broken, Gee…”

He drops on his knees, his eyes finally meeting mine, and I know it’s over…I don’t want to, please…

“I don’t want to” I choke, one tear slipping away from my eyes.

“Shoot me, please” he begs me,” you promised!!”
“Please…” I whisper falling on my knees in front of him,” I don’t want to kill you!”

“How can you kill me…when I’m already dead?” he whispers placing both hands on my face. “It hurts too much. Make the pain go away, please!”

I sob even harder hearing him say this. Please!

But I feel myself nod despite the screaming in my mind, and he smiles. And for a second I can read…hope in his eyes before becoming vacant once more.

I wipe my tears away. “Where?”

“The heart…” he answers and once again I nod.

Couldn’t be anywhere else….

His right hand takes my left, entwining our fingers, and places the other on the nape of my neck.

“I’m scared” he whispers so low I almost miss it if I hadn’t seen his lips move.

“Me too” I whisper back. We’re both shaking.
I point the gun to his heart and press our foreheads together.

“I’d end my days with you in a hail of bullets…” he whispers, looking me in the eyes, and I feel myself smiling, remembering our song.

A few seconds pass in silence, both in the same position, looking the other in the eyes, not wanting to ruin the moment.

A few seconds pass, and it feels like a long time…but not long enough.

He finally nods, and I press the gun against his chest, shaking.

Eyes never leaving eyes.

And then, I pull the trigger.

I feel myself fall back with the impact and it takes me a few seconds to realize what happened.

I get up, desperate, looking for him.

And there he is, laying on his back, clutching his chest with both hands, blood running between his fingers. Eyes open wide.

I run to him and drop at his side.

“Gee…” he smiles as I stroke his hair. My other hand joining his at his heart.

“Does it hurt?”. He shakes his head.

And I know, I know the bullet didn’t hurt him, the bullet only filled the hole in his heart.

Both our hands are now pressing against his chest, like it will give us a few more minutes if we do.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry… I love you” I whisper.

“I know Gee…I know”

“I just…I love you so much…” I sob.

“I wish I could love you the way you love me” he whispers, “I hate myself for not loving you…I’m sorry…” I shake my head.

“No, shhh, it’s okay…It’s okay” I choke, foreheads pressed against each other, breaths mingling together.

“Yeah… It’s okay…Because finally I have an eternity to learn how to love you...” he smiles.

I close my eyes, hoping it to be true, so desperately.

“I’m so sorry” I whisper, “I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you…”

“Gerard…Gerard, look at me, please…” he pleads and I open my eyes, meeting his stare, “But you did….you saved me”

And with that, his lips find mine in a chaste kiss, the tears bleeding from our eyes meeting on our faces, my right hand finding the nape of his neck, the other still holding his heart.

“Thank you” he whispers smiling when he pulls away from the kiss.

He takes my hand, holding on it tight, as if he doesn’t want to leave after all…but still smiling he says “I love you too”

And smiling he closes his eyes, forever.

I will my hands to place his head carefully on the ground, trying to remain calm… When all I want to do is scream and scream until my throat is raw and I can’t scream anymore.
I want to hit my fists on the ground! I want to brawl! I want to shake him!
I want him to wake up!

Please come back to me…I need you…

I have an eternity to learn how to love you… his last words hitting me, as I pick up the gun.

And, finally I realize, he knew how this was going to end, even before he brought us here…

I can already see the headlines in the local paper when they find us in the morning.
“A Romeo and Romeo bloody scene!” or “A bloody scene that would give Romeo and Juliet a run for their money!”

Then, everyone will laugh at this stupid cliché, all the jocks will finally have a reason to call us fags and stain our memory, and our beloved parents won’t have these two burdens as sons anymore.

Everyone will live happily ever after in their pretty and fake lives!!

I sit up as I look at him, the early sun reflected on his face and he’s never been more beautiful.

He looks like an angel, so peaceful, the remains of shed tears still on his features and his last smile still lingers on his lips.
So perfect…and so broken.

My eyes leave his face as I look at the blood stained gun in my hands.
Gun that holds his life that I tried so hard to save.

He was my angel, and now, my failure.

I take one of his hands in mine, trying to convince myself that he’s only asleep, as I soon will be, and press the gun to my chest, pointing it to my heart and pull the trigger.

The first thing I notice is the blood pouring out from my open wound, and then I notice the pain.

The pain my Frankie felt only minutes ago, but ages it seems.

And I smile; I smile because I know he shared everything with me…
The first words in kindergarten, the first crush, the first depression, the first kiss…his life…and now, his pain and death.

Breathing is getting difficult, I’m choking and all my strength is leaving my body.

The only thing on my mind is in how much pain he was and remained so calm, trying not to scare me….

And that thought broke my heart a little more…no, it stepped on my already broken heart, crushing the pieces even more, ruining all chances to mend it back together.

You know, I should have written a book, I’m good at this…

I’m getting cold…so cold.

I try to drag my body to him, ripping the jeans on my knees. The palms of my hands stinging from where the dirt is tearing the skin there.

I lay next to him, placing my head on his chest. I listen to a heartbeat that has long stopped beating, and put his arms around me.

I look up at the red sky, watching the sunrise one last time. The sky is so dark as if the sun is ashamed of rising, as if he’s setting already and it’s night all over again.

I look back at his face, hoping time is turning back…But he’s still not breathing and his heart is not beating.

I try to take in his face. Every feature, every shadow, and every flaw, everything…

I bury my face on his chest, one tear slipping from my eyes.

“I love you”. And then, I close my eyes.

To everyone else we would look as if two teenagers in love, sleeping on the ground.

And that’s exactly what we are, because we will wake up in a few hours, and everything will finally be okay.

“I’m trying to let you know how much you mean, as day fade, and nights grow…and we go cold, until the end, until this pool of blood…until the end of time.”

And as I sing our song, the lyrics that brought us here, I step into the light and take his hand.

The End!