Caution: Words Haunt

He took my meds, just as I asked. Now, nothing's going to stop me from going to his house one day and popping a few except some serious will-power. But, I think I'm ready to start quitting. It's only been, how many years actually? Well... I think I might be able to.

I sat on the recliner that I had left on it's side. It made it easier to lie on my side. Maybe I should just leave the house like this permanently! I mean, it's got the whole chill, laid back feel, yet also the feel of teenage rage being released from it's cage at the zoo- nay! Rage escaping from the zoo and causing a stampede wilst riding on giraffes and elephants... wow, I always sound high.

I flicked my lighter on and a flame shot up and died to a consistant height, later falling back into it's lair. Fire's just a scared little kid if you think about it. It jumps out to ward off it's attacker, then it sits and waits for them to leave if they're still there. If they're still there, the flame gets scared and runs back to hide. I stared at my baby, scared to even look back at me. Was I a monster to it? Did it feel like I'd been abusing it? Or perhaps was it just afraid to see what I've become, feeling guilty for it's part in my self-destruction.

God, I get so emo when I'm alone. Or maybe I'm just feeling empty still. I got up to get something from the fridge. Never get you're stomach pumped. It leaves an odd feeling in you. Oh, and never save soup for more than a week. It turns purple evidentally.

I closed the fridge because I didn't want to have to pick up the puke that would happen if I smelled anything from it and went over to the cabinets. As I searched through, though, I found myself losing my appetite.

I sauntered through the house and went into my dad's destroyed room. I sat on his sheet-bare matress and pulled my lighter out to play with more. It flickered a bit but wouldn't spark a good flame. I shook it. Nothing. My lighter was dead. Yet again. Great. Now I'm alone with no source of entertainment. It was getting dark outside and I flipped on the TV. I needed distractions!

Then my phone rang. "Hello?"

"Hi, is Jude there?" a sweet familiar voice chimed from the other end.

"What's up Hannah?" I asked.

"Well, I heard that you went to the hospital today. What happened?" Oh wow. She was concerned about my general well-being! This is great.

"I just had to get my stomach pumped is all. You know how when you get those bad headaches you forget how much meds you've taken for them and just... well, yeah." I said. Shit, how could I say this without sounding dependant on these stupid drugs?!

"Oh yeah. My mom had that happen once. Since then, my dad doesn't let her carry advil in her purse." She giggled. God what a cute giggle.

"Yeah? That sucks! I know some people who can't go a day without advil because they have chronic headaches! But it's probably best for here, huh." Yes, discretly talk about yourself.

"I think that people with chronic headaches just want an excuse to take something." she said.

"That's surprisingly insensitive." I thought out loud.

"No, no. Not like that. I mean, they get these headaches because they can't help it. They become dependant on any kind of cure from their sadness, so they took some pain meds one day and just couldn't stop. It's kind of sad. I guess I just didn't phrase it right earlier."

"Oh. Yeah, that's true. Have you ever had trouble with stuff like that?" I asked.

"My mom did. She had to go to a therapist and he helped her through it." I felt tears spring into my eyes. Why can people only get through things with therapy? Aren't people strong enough to help themselves? Can't I help myself without stupid help?

"Oh that's good that she got better." I said with fake cheer.

"Yeah. Anyways, glad to hear you're doing well. I'll see you at school tomorrow?"

"Of course. Bye." I said and she hung up. Why can't I fix my problems myself? Why does everyone say it's so impossible?

Because it is. I walked out of my dad's room and to mine. I went into my dresser, took another lighter from my sock drawer and started to play with it. I'll get through this. It'll just take time.