Love Me Patiently, Love Me Honestly

He sighed, rubbing the back of his neck, “Want to come in?”

I nodded and followed him to his room. He opened the door but I had a hard time walking in. I just stared at the bed.

He followed my gaze then looked back at me, “Oh, um, you can sit in this chair.” He pulled one up for me and I sat down slowly.

He sat across from me in another chair. He rested his elbows on his knees, “So what do you want to know?”

“First, I’m going to tell you to just answer me. Do not sugar coat it and don’t you dare lie. Two, if you don’t want to answer any, just say so. Okay?”

He nodded his head, saying yes, and I searched my mind for the thing bothering me most. “When did you two start…?”

“Um,” he thought for a moment before continuing. “Probably a year before she got pregnant.”

I hid my anguish, “Were you dating her?”

He chuckled, “No, Maddie, we just…hooked up every once in a while.” He tried to make the words sound delicate but there was really no way.

I tried not to think about the answers he gave, just took them as information, not the words that had potential to tear me apart.

“How old was Emma when Carly died?”

“Around four months,” he replied.

“Did you know she was pregnant when I left for England?” I asked.

“We had just found out.”

“Did you love her?” I don’t know why I asked; I didn’t want to know. He opened his mouth but I stopped him, “Never mind, of course you did.”

“I didn’t love her like I love you,” he said.

“Would you have married her, if she hadn’t died?” I asked.

He didn’t answer me, he just looked at me. I turned away from his eyes. “I’m not going to answer that,” he shook his head.

I lifted my gaze to him, “Did you love me when I told you I loved you last year?”

“I’ve loved you since I was sixteen Maddie,” he said simply.

My heart didn’t jump. I didn’t get goose bumps. I didn’t feel anything.

“Did you love me when I told you I loved you last night?” I asked.

“I think you know the answer to that question.”

“I thought I knew a lot of things before yesterday,” I told him.

He inhaled, “Yes, Maddie. I meant it when I told you I loved you, too.”

I closed my eyes and gripped the side of the chair. “You don’t lie to people you love, Kenny,” I told him.

He didn’t respond and I was thankful. He finally understood I didn’t want to hear his apology.

I stood up and walked towards the door.

“Wait,” he called. I turned to face him. “Don’t I get to ask you something?”

I didn’t answer, prompting him to continue.

“Will you ever forgive me?” he asked.

I stared at him blankly, my face clear of emotion, “I’m not going to answer that,” I said.

He sighed before a wave of sorrow washed his eyes, “Do you regret having sex with me?”

“Absolutely,” I answered immediately. I didn’t even have to think about it. My quickness took him aback.

He had nothing to say, I realized. I opened his bedroom door and walked slowly towards the front door. I could feel him close behind.

He opened the door for me and I walked out. I turned to face him as he leaned against the doorpost. “Goodbye, Kennedy.”

“I have one more question,” he said. “Do you believe me when I say I loved you? And that I still love you?”

I looked down, averting his eyes. I finally looked back, gathering my courage, “Not one bit,” I told him before I turned on the heel of my foot and walked towards my car.

I drove home and carelessly threw my keys on the counter, causing a loud noise. I stomped upstairs and shut my bedroom door.

I peeled off my clothes and changed into my pajamas. I curled up under my comforter and lay on my side. Then Emma began crying.

I could hear her loud and clear in the room across from my own. My parent’s room was farther down the hall, but they could no doubt hear her.

I let the crying continue before I saw the light in the hallway turn on and my mom open my door, “For God sakes, Maddie. Want to help out here?”

“Um, no…?” I said. What didn’t she understand?

She walked across the hall and held Emma in her arms as she walked back into my room.

“You can’t hold a grudge against this baby,” she patted her back, easing Emma’s screeching.

I sat up in my bed, “Mom, I don’t want anything having to do with Carly or Kennedy. Please respect that,” I begged politely.

My dad entered and my mom handed the baby to him. “Your sister is dead, Madeline. How dare you speak of her that way.”

“You don’t even know what she did to me, do you?”

The room was silent; they had no idea what I was talking about.

I sighed, “I told her that I was in love with Kennedy, and she started sleeping with him.”

My dad’s eyes widened, “Oh dear,” he said.

My mom shrugged, “It doesn’t change a thing. She’s still your niece and you’re still going to help take care of her.”

I rolled my eyes and crawled out from under my comforter, “No, mom. You can’t order me to do something I refuse to do.”

She walked to me, “I’m your mother. Yes, I can.”

“Since when? You’ve barely spoken to me for the past few months. You don’t get to choose when you get to be a mother,” I spat.

She gasped; clearly shocked I had said those words. “Get out of my house,” she said loudly.

“Gladly,” I said before I grabbed a hoodie off the chair closest to me and stormed downstairs and out the front door.

When I was outside I realized I had forgotten my keys, but I was too angry to go back in and get them.

Just then my phone started ringing, it was Garrett. “Hey,” I answered.

“Look who knows how to answer a phone,” he said.

“Can I come over?” I asked, already turning down the street to his house.

“Please do,” he said.

“I’ll be there in a second,” I said and hung up.

I got to Garrett’s house and he opened the door for me before I was able to knock. He opened his arms to me and engulfed me in a hug, but I didn’t hug back.

“Hug me, Maddie,” he whispered against my hair.

I didn’t say anything and he finally gave up. He led me in and shut the door behind me.

“My parents are still out of town so we have the house to ourselves,” he said as we sat down in his living room. He sat right next to me on the couch.

“Emma is staying at my house, and I really don’t want to be there,” I spoke softly.

“That’s rough,” he said. “Madds, have you talked to anyone else?”

“John screamed at me already, but not before I poured coffee all over Kennedy,” I said, anger evident in my tone.

“Why would John scream?” he asked, unbelieving.

“I broke his heart,” I rolled my eyes and slouched in my seat as I crossed my arms over my chest.

“I see,” he leaned back too and took a deep breath. “I’m sorry, Maddie.”

“Sorry for what?” I asked.

“I’m sorry for lying to you. It was a bad move on my part, I know we’re supposed to be friends, I screwed up,” he said earnestly.

I couldn’t help but flash him a small smile, “I forgive you, Garrett. Thanks for apologizing.”

He smiled too but then his face got serious, “Has John apologized?”

“He attempted to before he insulted me and ran off,” I said bitterly.

“He’s hurt, Maddie.” Garrett defended.

“Well so am I,” I said.

He sighed, “I know, I know.”

We sat in silence for a few minutes before I spoke up. “Garrett, I feel like no one wants me,” I told him.

He looked at me, incredulous. “Don’t be ridiculous,” he said.

My mouth was dry as I thought about my next move. Before I let my heart talk my mind out of doing it I leaned over and attached my lips to Garrett’s.

He didn’t kiss me back before he lightly pushed me away. “Maddie, what are you doing?” He said awkwardly, he was shocked.

“What do you think?” I said before I leaned closer to him again. This time he read my movements more quickly and restrained me by putting his hands on my shoulders.

“Don’t do this,” he instructed.

I shrugged out of his grasp and hunched my shoulders, “You don’t want me either?”

He smiled as he grabbed my hands. “Maddie, you don’t want me. You don’t want this. You’re sad and vulnerable, and you understand when I tell you I don’t want this either,” he said in the nicest way possible.

My bottom lip pursed out, “Why not?”

He laughed lightly and put his hand to my cheek, “You know I think you’re beautiful, Maddie. But we don’t like each other this way, okay?” He talked to me like I was a five year old. He spoke slowly and clearly, it was almost condescending, not that he meant it in that way.

I stood up quickly as the tears welled up. I was embarrassing myself in front of everyone I knew. I rushed for the front door.

“Maddie, wait!” He tried to catch my arm but I was too quick for him and I slammed the door shut.

I knew somewhere deep down, buried beneath every feeling of grief I had, Garrett was right. I didn’t want to kiss him; I just wanted someone to want me and mean it.

I felt alone; I was abandoned. I needed to get away, to go to a place I could forget everything. I didn’t want to see these people I called my friends and family any longer. I was done.

I started crying frantically now. My breaths became shorter as anxiety filled my body. I didn’t know where I would go, or how I would get there, but all I knew was I needed to go.

I sobbed as I walked down the street. It began raining and anyone that was out either didn’t see me, or did see me and didn’t want to stop to help the crazy girl wailing in the streets.

I heard a car drive slowly behind me, but I didn’t look back. I heard it roll up beside me and finally looked when it stopped next to me.

I looked through the open window and saw John. He stared at me blankly. My heart jumped when I saw him. This gave me hope; hope that maybe I could get through this.

But my heart fell smack into the concrete beneath me when he looked back to the street and drove away.

I needed to get out of here.

When I got home I ran up to my room. Tears clouded my vision as I grabbed a black duffel bag out of my closet. I threw a few pairs of jeans, a few shirts, and three jackets into it, along with essential toiletries and undergarments.

I put all of the money I had and an emergency credit card my dad had given me into my purse. I grabbed a small pillow off my bed and my stuffed bear named Gilbert. I took one last look at my room before I shut the light off, not sure of the next time I’d see it.

I looked into Carly’s room, being transformed into Emma’s nursery. The room was partially lit by a night-light and Emma was sleeping soundly in her crib.

I didn’t walk in; I didn’t want to. I kept walking down the hall, creeping quietly by my parent’s room. I only felt badly for my dad, because he would be the most upset.

I hated goodbyes and that’s why I’m leaving without a word.

I didn’t know how long I’d be gone for, and I didn’t know where I was going. All I know is that I want to get out of Tempe, Arizona.

So I drove, and I left every emotion at the state line.