Oxycodone Genocide.
adolescent suicide.
Alexandrina Devereux had always been fascinated with death. Ever since her aunt died through mysterious circumstances at the age of 23, she had always been interested in the thing that caused so much trouble at that time and she was only 6. Ever since that tragedy, she spent every waking moment investigating, reading, and watching murder mysteries, or the various ways people would die. She had made a list of ways how she wanted to die. She had even started a collection of blades and knives. Her parents were worried, knowing possibly that her strange hobby might lead her to be a suicidal. They took her to many psychologists, the best in the country, and she told them all the same thing ‘its all just very interesting.’
The psychologists were baffled to say the least, they were puzzled why a 6 year old was capable of having that kind of interest in something as morbid as death. But of course they managed to find something of a cure, because undoubtedly they thought that she was going through a stage. It was simple; they just needed to find a distraction for her. However simple this theory may be, it was hard to find a specific hobby to spark her interest. Luckily for them, her parents are rich, they knew a lot of famous and important people and also would do anything to get take their daughter’s mind off death. They took her to sport games, bought her books and magazines, took her to art and music classes, introduced her to many people and even took her to various countries around the world, hoping that she would find some attachment to the place or even just traveling in general.
But they found nothing. Everywhere they went and everything they did would always have a connection to death. Not obvious ones, just enough to keep her mind on her favorite subject. She never thought that anything was wrong with her, she always thought that she was normal. Although she felt confused at the attention that her parents were giving her at that time, she was indifferent to the whole situation, and continued to think about death.
But now, 14 years since the day when she took her mind off death for the first time, she was different. She isn’t the same death-obsessed child who spent her time reading about the thickness of knives or how quick that each type of poison can kill her, she is just a normal 21-year-old woman. She had found something that became her new obsession 14 years ago, something that was ‘healthy’ as they said it. Something that she loved still to this day, and something that she wouldn’t want to let go.
_______________________________________________________________________
Paris, October 31st 2002
7: 45 pm
Alexandrina stared at her reflection, her icy grey eyes stared back at herself in the mirror, her long brown hair floated softly to her mid-back, two braids on each side of her head glistened with silver glitter. She turned her head this way and that, the simple joy of seeing the light dance on her hair made her lips part with a giggle. The room around her was in chaos, but she just sat there peacefully, having done her make up and hair by herself she didn’t have to bother about the long lines and the rush to get each girl done.
She stood up and peered at herself in the full-length mirror next to the dresser, hair and make up immaculate, almost like a professional’s work, though you could say that she was one anyway. Her silver-grey eyes swept down to her costume, a tight golden yellow leotard and matching chiffon skirt that rested just above her knee. And at last her pride and joy, her pale peach point shoes. She got them for the first time when she was 11 and there wasn’t a day in her life when she thought that she could be happier. Except for this day of course. She was playing the role that she had wanted from the moment she heard of the word ‘ballet’.
She was going to play, Giselle.
Giselle, the first ballet performance that she had ever watched, and the show when she decided that she wanted to be a ballerina. And here she is, 14 years later, in the dress that she had always been dreaming of wearing, the feeling of exhilarated excitement washing over her every few minutes. Her very first professional show, her very first lead role was the one that she loved the most. Very few people will ever feel the joy that she felt when they announced that she was going to play her.
Her eye caught the program that was on her dressing table. It said ‘Giselle’ in bold letters on the front, and underneath that was ‘Par le Paris Opéra Ballet’. She smiled fondly at it and turned over to the first page, where she stared into her own image, dressed professionally in a black leotard and red chiffon skirt, complete with her beloved point shoes. Her eyes held the similar joy in the picture as they did now, because she felt completely at ease being in the environment that she felt she was born to be in, a ballet company.
‘Alexandrina Devereux’ the text under her picture proudly read.
Then a sudden rustle of soft pink whipped past her legs. Then a tired voice of a much older woman called out to them.
“Ophelie! Sophie! Arrêter de courir et asseoir !”
Alexandrina laughed, a soft melodic sound. Even at just 21 years old, she was teaching little girls at the École Française, and the two girls that were chatting loudly were her students. However, she didn’t need to keep them at bay like she has to in every other show, she had a bigger responsibility.
“Mademoiselle Devereux?” A small voice asked, it was the assistant stage manager.
“Oui?”
“Nous sommes prêts”
Alexandrina sighed, and nodded solemnly. Moments before her heart was light and her mind was at ease, but now it finally dawned on her that she is going to play a lead role for the first time in her life, and also in a big production. She shivered slightly and wobbled her way nervously to the wings of the stage. She said a small prayer.
Then she heard it, the faint tapping of the conductor’s baton to the stand, meaning that the music was about to start. Her heart thudded erratically and all around her the extras began stepping into the stage, already acting the part mingling and miming to each other. In a few seconds it would be her turn, she knew that the spotlight would be on her, she was the main character after all.
When the music started, she cleared her mind and focused on not being herself, but portraying another. And with that she stepped out to the brightly lit stage to begin her act.
_______________________________________________________________________
Paris, 31st October 2004
9:00 pm
The curtain gradually closed as the first act finished; when she was fully concealed she could finally break free of her pose. She staggered backstage, her feet throbbing and bleeding profusely as her vision swam with unwanted, painful tears. She truly couldn’t hold on any longer. She collapsed into one of the chairs - her sobs became more pronounced now as she gasped to get her point shoes open. And when she did, the sight was almost unbearable. Fresh blood was seeping through her pale stockings and the fresh cuts were still oozing droplets.
After 2 years of playing the Giselle, this was her 4th performance since her first. She knew exactly what the pain felt like, but it always seems to renew itself every time experienced it. Tonight was no exception. She had played other parts in Swan Lake, Coppellia, La Sylphide and La Fille Mal Gardee, but in those shows she didn’t get the main character like she did in Giselle. Which automatically means that she dances way more in Giselle than in the other shows.
But I took the oxycodone, I should be fine with the oxycodone.
Suddenly a herd of people began to crowd around her, snapping her out of her thoughts.
“Mademoiselle Devereux, etes-vous bien ?” One of the voices, asked her hurriedly
“Mon pied... “ Alexandrina said softly, closing her eyelids shut as if to cut the pain off
“Oui, oui” The voices said, and a split second later two medics was propping her foot on a cushion and studying her injuries
“il semble être tout à fait profondément” One of the doctors murmured to the other
“juste le bander en haut, nous le coudrons après le spectacle” The other one replied
“Mais elle ne sera pas dans trop de douleur ? “ The first doctor asked worriedly
“Elle doit l'attente jusqu'après le spectacle,” The second doctor replied wearily. “nous ne pouvons pas quoi pour elle maintenant.”
Nothing they can do? NOTHING THEY CAN DO?!
Alexandrina felt as if she wanted to shout at the doctors and tell them that they obviously haven’t been a ballerina, and would never understand the pain that she’s going through. Some of the people helped her up, trying to get her into her next dress for the 2nd act. In the first act Giselle was a village girl, but in the second act she is a deathly beautiful ghost princess. Therefore they had to change her make up slightly, from earthly colors and natural shades into ghostly dark eyes and a ridiculously pale complexion. She wore an all white chiffon dress, the light material looked so airy and her make up is done so beautifully that someone might actually mistake her as an actual ghost.
After they finished her make up and readjusting her hair, they left Alexandrina in peace. She was just sitting quietly, trying to adjust her body to the pain, and prepare it for even more pain when she goes on point. She wanted to feel relief of this pain more than anything, just a stop from all the hurting, even for only a minute.
“Theodore!” Alexandrina’s voice cried out, as she walked to the place where her old friend was sitting
“Adri!” He cried, a smile on his face. That smile soon turn into a frown and his brow knitted together
“Well, that’s attractive!” She said, laughing at his expression
“What happened to your leg?” He asked worriedly, she have him a strained smile in return
“Didn’t you see the crazy stuff I did out there?” She asked back, her hands on her hips and a playful smile on her full lips
“Yeah, I did, I was the stage manager after all”
They both settled into an awkward silence and Theodore wasn’t going to break it.
“I need more, Theo” Alexandrina’s voice sounded weak and feeble.
Theodore looked at her wearily.
“You had an 80 tablet already”
“I need more Theodore, I can’t dance like this” she hissed angrily
“If I give you more, there will be serious side effects.” He hissed back.
“Then I’ll just take my chances” Alexandrina huffed stubbornly
“You can’t – “ Theodore began
“Yes, I can.” She said still very stubborn, staring up to his breathtaking emerald green eyes, she felt her heartbeat quicken slightly.
Oh god…
Theodore stayed silent, not bothering to argue with her, as he knew that she would always win. Stubborn Adri… he thought sadly in his head, you could get seriously hurt.
“Just give it to me Theo,” Her voice said sharply, she was losing her patience. “I’ll just take it myself, you don’t have to do it.”
Theodore shook his head slowly.
“You don’t get it don’t you Adri?” He asked softly. “You could die”
But Alexandrina did understand, in fact she understood completely.
_______________________________________________________________________
Vaison La Romaine, 9th March 1987
4:00 pm
Seven-year-old Alexandrina ran noiselessly to her father’s study. She was extremely annoyed of her parents and ranting without a pause in her mind about them.
They would stop at nothing to remove what they call her ‘unhealthy obsession’. Every single book in the family library has been checked for death-related topics, and although this process Alexandrina had been beside her parents notifying them that every single book in there has death related topics, of course they still kept right on. After hours and hours of proving them wrong, they finally gave up and put the hundreds of books back on the shelves.
This however isn’t their last try to stop her from thinking about death; they blocked out all death related websites from the family computers. She was fuming when she found out.
‘Isn’t it absolutely healthy to be curious about a particular thing?’ she thought angrily in her head.
Alexandrina opened the huge French doors to her father’s study and winced at the squeaking noise it made.
‘They should really get this fixed’
After looking around her to make sure that no one noticed her slipping into her father’s study she closed the doors and made her way to her father’s computer. Without any hesitation she opened it and put in her father’s password, which she knew was her own name.
That same morning at school when she was in a library she found a phrase that she thought was so beautiful that it stayed in her mind for the rest of the day. Until finally she couldn’t bear of unknowing what it actually means.
‘Oxycodone genocide’
She first found the word ‘genocide’ in her father’s dictionary.
gen.o.cide
noun
the deliberate killing of a large group of people, esp. those of a particular ethnic group or nation.
Her eyes widened slightly, she was attracted to death even when she didn’t know what the words meant. Then she searched ‘oxycodone’ in the dictionary, but she didn’t find any. She became puzzled and searched it in other various dictionaries, finally she found it in one of the biggest and most complete medical dictionaries.
Oxycodone is an opioid analgesic medication synthesized from thebaine. It was developed in 1916 in Germany, as one of several new semi-synthetic opioids with several benefits over the older traditional opiates and opioids; morphine, diacetylmorphine (heroin) and codeine.
Her eyes squinted at the language, it was obviously medical, so oxycodone must be some kind of medication. Then she noticed that it’s mentioned to be the new morphine, now that she understood, Then she thought it must be some kind of drug to release pain. But then after a few lines down, she read that if oxycodone is eaten more than 2 pieces of 180 mg tablets in a day, it could result in death.
Alexandrina smiled to herself and thought;
‘That’s another great way to die’
_______________________________________________________________________
Paris, 31st October 2004
9:20 pm
“I know exactly what it does Theo” Alexandrina whispered. “Or have you forgotten?”
Realization dawned on Theodore as the color in his face drained rapidly.
“No, no.” Theodore said moving closer to her, gripping both his hands on each of her upper arms and holding her close to him.
She just stood there unable to move. She closed her eyes as felt that there was only one person who matter to her in this world, and that person is standing right next to her and holding her close to him. No one knew this, but since they first met Alexandrina had always liked Theodore, and not just as a friend. To have him hold her like this now made her feel like she already did die, and she’s now in the beautiful place that she had always imagined, her heaven.
Yes, she loved him, and no, he didn’t know. The first time they met was in the 1st grade, back where Alexandrina was so obsessed with death. He didn’t have a problem with it, unlike her other peers, that is why they were friends in the first place, Theodore accepted her. But when they hit puberty at the same time, they began to see each other differently. That’s when the phenylethylamine kicks in.
“You don’t have to do this” Theodore’s voice pleaded, and although she couldn’t see them, his eyes are starting to brim with tears. He couldn’t bear the thought of not having her in his life, even if just as a friend, it’s better than not having her in his life at all.
“But I want to” She said, shivering from his touch.
“No, no you don’t” He said, trying to reason with her
“You know I’ll find a way, Theo.” She whispered so low that only he could hear.
Theodore dropped his hands off her arms and stood there looking at the floor. He knew, he knew that she would always have her way, one way or another and this time isn’t he knew that it wouldn’t be any different.
Silence drapes over them; so still that they couldn’t even hear the buzzing noise of people bustling around them.
“Then go,” He whispered in a broken voice, closing his eyes and willing himself to not look at her, because he knew if he did he would just broke down and drown in his own misery of not having her anymore. “Do what you want to do”
At this Alexandrina fell silent, never in a million years would she thought that Theodore would actually let her go. Her heart shatter at his words, she knew that he doesn’t really care and that he would never love her, but those words just made it real. There was once a small, vain hope that maybe, just maybe, that he loved her too. But that hope disappeared as quickly as it appeared at the sound of his whispered words.
This was their goodbye, their last moment. And neither of them has the sufficient words to make this moment count.
“Okay” She whispered and took the bag in his hands where all the oxycodone was kept. She then turned away from him and wouldn’t turn back, because she knew that if she did, her heart would break all over again, and she couldn’t stand that pain, even if she was used to it.
_______________________________________________________________________
Paris, 31st October 2004
9:27 pm
“Le rideau d'ouvrir ! les danseurs au lieu, s'il vous plaît !” A voice shouted through all the chaos in the small crowded backstage.
Alexandrina walked slowly, her mind at ease, ignoring her still throbbing foot. Her hand grasped the small plastic bag that contains the pills that will bring her the release that she dreamt of.
On her way to the side of the stage that she was supposed to be on, she saw Theodore, leaning his thin body to a wall as his chocolate brown hair obscured his emerald green eyes. She wanted so much to run to him and have him hold her one last time, but she wouldn’t, knowing that it would be ten times harder to go. Her heart ached knowing that she wouldn’t hear the three words that she yearned to hear from him, never knowing what it would feel like to be loved by him.
She quickened her pace to step onto the platform where they attached transparent hooks onto her dress for her entrance. Giselle’s ghost is supposed to be flying across the stage before joining the other ghosts as their queen.
When they were busy putting on the various hooks and strings on to her dress, Alexandrina took a bottle of water from the nearby table getting herself ready to what she’s about to do. She opened the small plastic bag and dug out what she’s looking for, a tiny bottle of 5 or more 180mg oxycodone tablets. A grim smile played in her lips for a second, her mind enjoying the fact that she was going to die in her favorite place in the world, doing something that she loves to do. Not many people have that privilege and she’s savoring the moment.
Finally Alexandrina emptied the whole bottle of 180mg tablets onto her palms, not even bothering to count how many she is going to take. Then she put all of the pills in her mouth and chugged down as much water that she could muster. She felt the pills slid down her throat and she knew that her time couldn’t be much long, about 15 to 20 minutes to be exact. That is the time that the pills would need to take effect. But unknown to her the same breathtaking emerald green eyes that she stared into just minutes ago was watching her every single move. Renewed sadness etched deeper in those eyes as she chugged the water down her throat.
_______________________________________________________________________
Paris, 31st October 2004
9:29 pm
Just as the first act of the performance, she heard the conductor’s faint tapping of the baton to the stand. The violins began to play the sad melancholy melody that she knew so well. The second leading male was already out on the stage and already acting his part, which is to visit the dead Giselle’s grave. When he got on his knees in front of the grave, Alexandrina was waiting for the cue from the stage directors. Suddenly warm hands gripped her shoulder from behind and a familiar voice uttered the last words she would hear.
“Go”
Then she flew.
Her arms elegantly bent and her feel straight she shot straight through the air from one side of the stage to the other. She knew she caught the audience by surprise, because she heard them gasp just as she disappeared behind the curtains. She waited for a couple of seconds then flew back to the other side of the stage, where she flew straight into Theodore’s arms. He caught her lithe body and held her to him, knowing that this was his last chance.
Alexandrina gasped as their body made contact and curled onto him as long as she possibly could, trying to mould a shadow of her to him so that there will be a way for him to remember her. There was so many things to say, but neither of them haven’t even had a chance to say those 3 words that would make her stay. Without warning she shot out from his arms as she began her dance. She knew that if she stayed even for just a second longer, she couldn’t possibly get back on stage. She would just want to die in his arms.
She entered with a perfect grand jeté then continued with five Chassés and a third arabesque. The audience gasped and followed her every move. In her head she rolled her eyes, those moves were easy moves that her 13-year-old students could easily do. But then she’s starting to ease in to the awkward pain still in her foot as the oxycodone took effect. She began to move lighter as she should and she danced with her newfound energy, trying hard to depict the sorrow and grace that the dead Giselle is famous for.
By the end of the pas de deux her partner let her go as she prepared for the last movement. The legendary 32 fouettés en tournant. She spent months preparing for this turn, and this was the moment of truth. To prepare for the 32 fouettes en tournant a dancer must at least do perfect fouettes double the turns from the number of fouettes that she is supposed to do. So in this case, she has to do 64 perfect fouettes for practise. Then Alexandrina got into her preparation pose, ready to begin the fouettes.
One… two… three… four… five… six… seven… eight…
The first eight fouettes were second nature to her, her hair flying behind her as she kept her eyes fixed onto a point halfway between the balcony and the back wall. This technique is called spotting.
nine… ten… eleven… twelve… thirteen… fourteen… fifteen… sixteen…
‘Still fine’ she thought, ‘a little bit queasy but still fine’. But she knew, this was the effect of the oxycodone, she knew her time was coming and she is going to embrace it.
Seventeen… eighteen… nineteen… twenty… twenty-one… twenty-two…
‘Oh god’ she thought, ‘this is working faster than I thought’. Her head was spinning even more and her heartbeat became more erratic. But Alexandrina was determined to keep her head clear until she finished her fouettes.
Theodore watched her every move from the side of the stage, unable to move. He knew that this would be the last time that he would see her alive, moving and breathing. His heart ached, because he is already missing something that he never thought he had, her heart.
Twenty-nine…
‘Come on just a little bit more’ she thought despairingly. She was desperate to finish the fouettes, but she could already feel her muscle weaken as she began to feel that she’s losing her balance. ‘I can do this’
Thirty…
‘Au revoir maman’
‘Au revoir papa’
Thirty-one…
‘Goodbye Theo’
Thirty-two…
And then, she fell.
The psychologists were baffled to say the least, they were puzzled why a 6 year old was capable of having that kind of interest in something as morbid as death. But of course they managed to find something of a cure, because undoubtedly they thought that she was going through a stage. It was simple; they just needed to find a distraction for her. However simple this theory may be, it was hard to find a specific hobby to spark her interest. Luckily for them, her parents are rich, they knew a lot of famous and important people and also would do anything to get take their daughter’s mind off death. They took her to sport games, bought her books and magazines, took her to art and music classes, introduced her to many people and even took her to various countries around the world, hoping that she would find some attachment to the place or even just traveling in general.
But they found nothing. Everywhere they went and everything they did would always have a connection to death. Not obvious ones, just enough to keep her mind on her favorite subject. She never thought that anything was wrong with her, she always thought that she was normal. Although she felt confused at the attention that her parents were giving her at that time, she was indifferent to the whole situation, and continued to think about death.
But now, 14 years since the day when she took her mind off death for the first time, she was different. She isn’t the same death-obsessed child who spent her time reading about the thickness of knives or how quick that each type of poison can kill her, she is just a normal 21-year-old woman. She had found something that became her new obsession 14 years ago, something that was ‘healthy’ as they said it. Something that she loved still to this day, and something that she wouldn’t want to let go.
_______________________________________________________________________
Paris, October 31st 2002
7: 45 pm
Alexandrina stared at her reflection, her icy grey eyes stared back at herself in the mirror, her long brown hair floated softly to her mid-back, two braids on each side of her head glistened with silver glitter. She turned her head this way and that, the simple joy of seeing the light dance on her hair made her lips part with a giggle. The room around her was in chaos, but she just sat there peacefully, having done her make up and hair by herself she didn’t have to bother about the long lines and the rush to get each girl done.
She stood up and peered at herself in the full-length mirror next to the dresser, hair and make up immaculate, almost like a professional’s work, though you could say that she was one anyway. Her silver-grey eyes swept down to her costume, a tight golden yellow leotard and matching chiffon skirt that rested just above her knee. And at last her pride and joy, her pale peach point shoes. She got them for the first time when she was 11 and there wasn’t a day in her life when she thought that she could be happier. Except for this day of course. She was playing the role that she had wanted from the moment she heard of the word ‘ballet’.
She was going to play, Giselle.
Giselle, the first ballet performance that she had ever watched, and the show when she decided that she wanted to be a ballerina. And here she is, 14 years later, in the dress that she had always been dreaming of wearing, the feeling of exhilarated excitement washing over her every few minutes. Her very first professional show, her very first lead role was the one that she loved the most. Very few people will ever feel the joy that she felt when they announced that she was going to play her.
Her eye caught the program that was on her dressing table. It said ‘Giselle’ in bold letters on the front, and underneath that was ‘Par le Paris Opéra Ballet’. She smiled fondly at it and turned over to the first page, where she stared into her own image, dressed professionally in a black leotard and red chiffon skirt, complete with her beloved point shoes. Her eyes held the similar joy in the picture as they did now, because she felt completely at ease being in the environment that she felt she was born to be in, a ballet company.
‘Alexandrina Devereux’ the text under her picture proudly read.
Then a sudden rustle of soft pink whipped past her legs. Then a tired voice of a much older woman called out to them.
“Ophelie! Sophie! Arrêter de courir et asseoir !”
Alexandrina laughed, a soft melodic sound. Even at just 21 years old, she was teaching little girls at the École Française, and the two girls that were chatting loudly were her students. However, she didn’t need to keep them at bay like she has to in every other show, she had a bigger responsibility.
“Mademoiselle Devereux?” A small voice asked, it was the assistant stage manager.
“Oui?”
“Nous sommes prêts”
Alexandrina sighed, and nodded solemnly. Moments before her heart was light and her mind was at ease, but now it finally dawned on her that she is going to play a lead role for the first time in her life, and also in a big production. She shivered slightly and wobbled her way nervously to the wings of the stage. She said a small prayer.
Then she heard it, the faint tapping of the conductor’s baton to the stand, meaning that the music was about to start. Her heart thudded erratically and all around her the extras began stepping into the stage, already acting the part mingling and miming to each other. In a few seconds it would be her turn, she knew that the spotlight would be on her, she was the main character after all.
When the music started, she cleared her mind and focused on not being herself, but portraying another. And with that she stepped out to the brightly lit stage to begin her act.
_______________________________________________________________________
Paris, 31st October 2004
9:00 pm
The curtain gradually closed as the first act finished; when she was fully concealed she could finally break free of her pose. She staggered backstage, her feet throbbing and bleeding profusely as her vision swam with unwanted, painful tears. She truly couldn’t hold on any longer. She collapsed into one of the chairs - her sobs became more pronounced now as she gasped to get her point shoes open. And when she did, the sight was almost unbearable. Fresh blood was seeping through her pale stockings and the fresh cuts were still oozing droplets.
After 2 years of playing the Giselle, this was her 4th performance since her first. She knew exactly what the pain felt like, but it always seems to renew itself every time experienced it. Tonight was no exception. She had played other parts in Swan Lake, Coppellia, La Sylphide and La Fille Mal Gardee, but in those shows she didn’t get the main character like she did in Giselle. Which automatically means that she dances way more in Giselle than in the other shows.
But I took the oxycodone, I should be fine with the oxycodone.
Suddenly a herd of people began to crowd around her, snapping her out of her thoughts.
“Mademoiselle Devereux, etes-vous bien ?” One of the voices, asked her hurriedly
“Mon pied... “ Alexandrina said softly, closing her eyelids shut as if to cut the pain off
“Oui, oui” The voices said, and a split second later two medics was propping her foot on a cushion and studying her injuries
“il semble être tout à fait profondément” One of the doctors murmured to the other
“juste le bander en haut, nous le coudrons après le spectacle” The other one replied
“Mais elle ne sera pas dans trop de douleur ? “ The first doctor asked worriedly
“Elle doit l'attente jusqu'après le spectacle,” The second doctor replied wearily. “nous ne pouvons pas quoi pour elle maintenant.”
Nothing they can do? NOTHING THEY CAN DO?!
Alexandrina felt as if she wanted to shout at the doctors and tell them that they obviously haven’t been a ballerina, and would never understand the pain that she’s going through. Some of the people helped her up, trying to get her into her next dress for the 2nd act. In the first act Giselle was a village girl, but in the second act she is a deathly beautiful ghost princess. Therefore they had to change her make up slightly, from earthly colors and natural shades into ghostly dark eyes and a ridiculously pale complexion. She wore an all white chiffon dress, the light material looked so airy and her make up is done so beautifully that someone might actually mistake her as an actual ghost.
After they finished her make up and readjusting her hair, they left Alexandrina in peace. She was just sitting quietly, trying to adjust her body to the pain, and prepare it for even more pain when she goes on point. She wanted to feel relief of this pain more than anything, just a stop from all the hurting, even for only a minute.
“Theodore!” Alexandrina’s voice cried out, as she walked to the place where her old friend was sitting
“Adri!” He cried, a smile on his face. That smile soon turn into a frown and his brow knitted together
“Well, that’s attractive!” She said, laughing at his expression
“What happened to your leg?” He asked worriedly, she have him a strained smile in return
“Didn’t you see the crazy stuff I did out there?” She asked back, her hands on her hips and a playful smile on her full lips
“Yeah, I did, I was the stage manager after all”
They both settled into an awkward silence and Theodore wasn’t going to break it.
“I need more, Theo” Alexandrina’s voice sounded weak and feeble.
Theodore looked at her wearily.
“You had an 80 tablet already”
“I need more Theodore, I can’t dance like this” she hissed angrily
“If I give you more, there will be serious side effects.” He hissed back.
“Then I’ll just take my chances” Alexandrina huffed stubbornly
“You can’t – “ Theodore began
“Yes, I can.” She said still very stubborn, staring up to his breathtaking emerald green eyes, she felt her heartbeat quicken slightly.
Oh god…
Theodore stayed silent, not bothering to argue with her, as he knew that she would always win. Stubborn Adri… he thought sadly in his head, you could get seriously hurt.
“Just give it to me Theo,” Her voice said sharply, she was losing her patience. “I’ll just take it myself, you don’t have to do it.”
Theodore shook his head slowly.
“You don’t get it don’t you Adri?” He asked softly. “You could die”
But Alexandrina did understand, in fact she understood completely.
_______________________________________________________________________
Vaison La Romaine, 9th March 1987
4:00 pm
Seven-year-old Alexandrina ran noiselessly to her father’s study. She was extremely annoyed of her parents and ranting without a pause in her mind about them.
They would stop at nothing to remove what they call her ‘unhealthy obsession’. Every single book in the family library has been checked for death-related topics, and although this process Alexandrina had been beside her parents notifying them that every single book in there has death related topics, of course they still kept right on. After hours and hours of proving them wrong, they finally gave up and put the hundreds of books back on the shelves.
This however isn’t their last try to stop her from thinking about death; they blocked out all death related websites from the family computers. She was fuming when she found out.
‘Isn’t it absolutely healthy to be curious about a particular thing?’ she thought angrily in her head.
Alexandrina opened the huge French doors to her father’s study and winced at the squeaking noise it made.
‘They should really get this fixed’
After looking around her to make sure that no one noticed her slipping into her father’s study she closed the doors and made her way to her father’s computer. Without any hesitation she opened it and put in her father’s password, which she knew was her own name.
That same morning at school when she was in a library she found a phrase that she thought was so beautiful that it stayed in her mind for the rest of the day. Until finally she couldn’t bear of unknowing what it actually means.
‘Oxycodone genocide’
She first found the word ‘genocide’ in her father’s dictionary.
gen.o.cide
noun
the deliberate killing of a large group of people, esp. those of a particular ethnic group or nation.
Her eyes widened slightly, she was attracted to death even when she didn’t know what the words meant. Then she searched ‘oxycodone’ in the dictionary, but she didn’t find any. She became puzzled and searched it in other various dictionaries, finally she found it in one of the biggest and most complete medical dictionaries.
Oxycodone is an opioid analgesic medication synthesized from thebaine. It was developed in 1916 in Germany, as one of several new semi-synthetic opioids with several benefits over the older traditional opiates and opioids; morphine, diacetylmorphine (heroin) and codeine.
Her eyes squinted at the language, it was obviously medical, so oxycodone must be some kind of medication. Then she noticed that it’s mentioned to be the new morphine, now that she understood, Then she thought it must be some kind of drug to release pain. But then after a few lines down, she read that if oxycodone is eaten more than 2 pieces of 180 mg tablets in a day, it could result in death.
Alexandrina smiled to herself and thought;
‘That’s another great way to die’
_______________________________________________________________________
Paris, 31st October 2004
9:20 pm
“I know exactly what it does Theo” Alexandrina whispered. “Or have you forgotten?”
Realization dawned on Theodore as the color in his face drained rapidly.
“No, no.” Theodore said moving closer to her, gripping both his hands on each of her upper arms and holding her close to him.
She just stood there unable to move. She closed her eyes as felt that there was only one person who matter to her in this world, and that person is standing right next to her and holding her close to him. No one knew this, but since they first met Alexandrina had always liked Theodore, and not just as a friend. To have him hold her like this now made her feel like she already did die, and she’s now in the beautiful place that she had always imagined, her heaven.
Yes, she loved him, and no, he didn’t know. The first time they met was in the 1st grade, back where Alexandrina was so obsessed with death. He didn’t have a problem with it, unlike her other peers, that is why they were friends in the first place, Theodore accepted her. But when they hit puberty at the same time, they began to see each other differently. That’s when the phenylethylamine kicks in.
“You don’t have to do this” Theodore’s voice pleaded, and although she couldn’t see them, his eyes are starting to brim with tears. He couldn’t bear the thought of not having her in his life, even if just as a friend, it’s better than not having her in his life at all.
“But I want to” She said, shivering from his touch.
“No, no you don’t” He said, trying to reason with her
“You know I’ll find a way, Theo.” She whispered so low that only he could hear.
Theodore dropped his hands off her arms and stood there looking at the floor. He knew, he knew that she would always have her way, one way or another and this time isn’t he knew that it wouldn’t be any different.
Silence drapes over them; so still that they couldn’t even hear the buzzing noise of people bustling around them.
“Then go,” He whispered in a broken voice, closing his eyes and willing himself to not look at her, because he knew if he did he would just broke down and drown in his own misery of not having her anymore. “Do what you want to do”
At this Alexandrina fell silent, never in a million years would she thought that Theodore would actually let her go. Her heart shatter at his words, she knew that he doesn’t really care and that he would never love her, but those words just made it real. There was once a small, vain hope that maybe, just maybe, that he loved her too. But that hope disappeared as quickly as it appeared at the sound of his whispered words.
This was their goodbye, their last moment. And neither of them has the sufficient words to make this moment count.
“Okay” She whispered and took the bag in his hands where all the oxycodone was kept. She then turned away from him and wouldn’t turn back, because she knew that if she did, her heart would break all over again, and she couldn’t stand that pain, even if she was used to it.
_______________________________________________________________________
Paris, 31st October 2004
9:27 pm
“Le rideau d'ouvrir ! les danseurs au lieu, s'il vous plaît !” A voice shouted through all the chaos in the small crowded backstage.
Alexandrina walked slowly, her mind at ease, ignoring her still throbbing foot. Her hand grasped the small plastic bag that contains the pills that will bring her the release that she dreamt of.
On her way to the side of the stage that she was supposed to be on, she saw Theodore, leaning his thin body to a wall as his chocolate brown hair obscured his emerald green eyes. She wanted so much to run to him and have him hold her one last time, but she wouldn’t, knowing that it would be ten times harder to go. Her heart ached knowing that she wouldn’t hear the three words that she yearned to hear from him, never knowing what it would feel like to be loved by him.
She quickened her pace to step onto the platform where they attached transparent hooks onto her dress for her entrance. Giselle’s ghost is supposed to be flying across the stage before joining the other ghosts as their queen.
When they were busy putting on the various hooks and strings on to her dress, Alexandrina took a bottle of water from the nearby table getting herself ready to what she’s about to do. She opened the small plastic bag and dug out what she’s looking for, a tiny bottle of 5 or more 180mg oxycodone tablets. A grim smile played in her lips for a second, her mind enjoying the fact that she was going to die in her favorite place in the world, doing something that she loves to do. Not many people have that privilege and she’s savoring the moment.
Finally Alexandrina emptied the whole bottle of 180mg tablets onto her palms, not even bothering to count how many she is going to take. Then she put all of the pills in her mouth and chugged down as much water that she could muster. She felt the pills slid down her throat and she knew that her time couldn’t be much long, about 15 to 20 minutes to be exact. That is the time that the pills would need to take effect. But unknown to her the same breathtaking emerald green eyes that she stared into just minutes ago was watching her every single move. Renewed sadness etched deeper in those eyes as she chugged the water down her throat.
_______________________________________________________________________
Paris, 31st October 2004
9:29 pm
Just as the first act of the performance, she heard the conductor’s faint tapping of the baton to the stand. The violins began to play the sad melancholy melody that she knew so well. The second leading male was already out on the stage and already acting his part, which is to visit the dead Giselle’s grave. When he got on his knees in front of the grave, Alexandrina was waiting for the cue from the stage directors. Suddenly warm hands gripped her shoulder from behind and a familiar voice uttered the last words she would hear.
“Go”
Then she flew.
Her arms elegantly bent and her feel straight she shot straight through the air from one side of the stage to the other. She knew she caught the audience by surprise, because she heard them gasp just as she disappeared behind the curtains. She waited for a couple of seconds then flew back to the other side of the stage, where she flew straight into Theodore’s arms. He caught her lithe body and held her to him, knowing that this was his last chance.
Alexandrina gasped as their body made contact and curled onto him as long as she possibly could, trying to mould a shadow of her to him so that there will be a way for him to remember her. There was so many things to say, but neither of them haven’t even had a chance to say those 3 words that would make her stay. Without warning she shot out from his arms as she began her dance. She knew that if she stayed even for just a second longer, she couldn’t possibly get back on stage. She would just want to die in his arms.
She entered with a perfect grand jeté then continued with five Chassés and a third arabesque. The audience gasped and followed her every move. In her head she rolled her eyes, those moves were easy moves that her 13-year-old students could easily do. But then she’s starting to ease in to the awkward pain still in her foot as the oxycodone took effect. She began to move lighter as she should and she danced with her newfound energy, trying hard to depict the sorrow and grace that the dead Giselle is famous for.
By the end of the pas de deux her partner let her go as she prepared for the last movement. The legendary 32 fouettés en tournant. She spent months preparing for this turn, and this was the moment of truth. To prepare for the 32 fouettes en tournant a dancer must at least do perfect fouettes double the turns from the number of fouettes that she is supposed to do. So in this case, she has to do 64 perfect fouettes for practise. Then Alexandrina got into her preparation pose, ready to begin the fouettes.
One… two… three… four… five… six… seven… eight…
The first eight fouettes were second nature to her, her hair flying behind her as she kept her eyes fixed onto a point halfway between the balcony and the back wall. This technique is called spotting.
nine… ten… eleven… twelve… thirteen… fourteen… fifteen… sixteen…
‘Still fine’ she thought, ‘a little bit queasy but still fine’. But she knew, this was the effect of the oxycodone, she knew her time was coming and she is going to embrace it.
Seventeen… eighteen… nineteen… twenty… twenty-one… twenty-two…
‘Oh god’ she thought, ‘this is working faster than I thought’. Her head was spinning even more and her heartbeat became more erratic. But Alexandrina was determined to keep her head clear until she finished her fouettes.
Theodore watched her every move from the side of the stage, unable to move. He knew that this would be the last time that he would see her alive, moving and breathing. His heart ached, because he is already missing something that he never thought he had, her heart.
Twenty-nine…
‘Come on just a little bit more’ she thought despairingly. She was desperate to finish the fouettes, but she could already feel her muscle weaken as she began to feel that she’s losing her balance. ‘I can do this’
Thirty…
‘Au revoir maman’
‘Au revoir papa’
Thirty-one…
‘Goodbye Theo’
Thirty-two…
And then, she fell.