What It Feels Like To Be a Ghost

I’ve been watching him from far away. Despite of all that’s happened, part of me still hopes that he sees what he does to me. He can try and be the biggest jerk he wants to be, but I know that’s not who he really is. The conversations we had, those were eye-opening. I learned about the real Justen and not the one that smiles all the time. His past, his fears, his pain, his mistakes; he revealed them all to me. He sincerely trusted me.

I shared with him most of my past and he shared with me his. You honestly can't fake a connection like that. At least, I don’t think so.

I remember once when it was near Christmas. My math teacher had given me a box of pecan clusters because I had answered a question correctly. (I know it doesn’t seem like a big deal, but it was a really tricky question and no one else answered it.) When I got to history he saw me with that box.

He jokingly asked “What did you get me?” It suddenly hit me like a thousand bricks that I had my first true friend in a long time, and I hadn’t gotten him anything.

“Crap.” I said. “I’m sorry, I didn’t get you anything.”

“It’s okay.” He said, still smiling. I offered him some of my pecan clusters, but he politely refused.

Maybe I hurt him that day and that was one of the things that led up to all of this. Maybe in reality this isn’t Brandon’s fault, but mine. I single-handedly did this. I have no one else to blame but myself.

I miss his smile that could brighten up an entire room. His laughter that sounds better than any kind of music there is in the world. His eyes that used to gaze into mine; those dark brown eyes that could make you feel warm inside with just a glance of them.

It was he that made my life more bearable. He made my day with that expression he made when he didn’t know the answer to something. The fact that when I felt down, no matter how stupid the reason, he’d listen. He wouldn’t tell me that I was wrong or that the way I thought was wrong. He’d just listen and just talking to him made me feel a whole lot better.

When I watched him today he looked a bit distant. I know that look. It’s when he has something on his mind, something troubling him. The thing about that is he won’t tell anyone unless they ask with genuine concern. His expression stayed like that all day. I suppose it’s because in the popular crowd, no one ever really talks about their feelings.

All they care about is how they look.