What It Feels Like To Be a Ghost

There’s a new guy in my English class. His name is Kyle. He’s really smart. He wants to be an actor when he grows up. I’m surprised that I even know this. He started up a conversation, and for the first time since Justen, I actually tried to keep it up. His vocabulary impresses me. I wish I had a vocabulary like his.

I bet that's the only reason I listened. I was awed that someone so good would words would want to be an actor. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but still... It’s like depriving the world of a future masterpiece. Or masterpieces.

Anyways I don’t know why I kept up the conversation. This will probably be a repeat of Justen. I still miss him. One good thing can be said though. He hasn’t told anyone anything that I told him. Maybe that means something. Maybe he regrets the way he treated the whole situation. Maybe he feels that he's already damaged our friendship that the only way he can redeem himself is by withholding information about me.

I know that the chances of that are very slim and that being overly hopeful can lead to so much heartbreak and disappointment. But I can't help but take my chances.

So Kyle is now my partner in this project that we have. We’re supposed to work on it in class. He suggested that if we can’t finish it there then we can go to his house and work on it. I didn’t say anything at first. What am I suppose to say to that? In the end I just said thanks just as the bell was ringing. There really isn’t much of a response that you can make to that. Okay, there probably is, but I’m not so experienced in the social customs of the world anymore.

Maybe Kyle is a sign that I should move on already. Yeah I think that pretty soon I’ll be able to. It’s just a matter of time. It always is. Anyways he seemed pretty cool. Maybe he’ll be my new friend and this time he won’t end up leaving me because he finds out that I’m a social reject. But I won’t concern myself with that bastard named Justen anymore. Maybe I used to know him, but now he’s intent on ignoring me. Who needs a friend like that?

I certainly don't.

Mrs. Perez made me write an essay on animal rights today. Apparently she noticed that I didn’t say anything during our debate. She has also noticed that I am a vegetarian—how on Earth did she find out?? It’s not like I have any one in that class that could have ratted me out—and told me that being a vegetarian I must have a lot to say on the topic. She also told me that I shouldn’t hold back my thoughts; my opinions aren’t worth any less than the people in my class.

Right. Because we all know how everyone values me as an individual and that’s why I’ve got so many friends. Oh yeah, I’m so popular…Whatever. And so that stupid essay is mandatory now. She expects it to be a spectacular piece of work considering how I am such a *great* writer.

I'm sure that's as true as my opinion meaning anything to anyone in my stupid class. Because we already know how much they care about me. How they always care about how I'm feeling. Oh yeah, no reason I should be led to believe otherwise.

You want to know how not great I really am? I’m so not great that I am experiencing writer’s block at this very moment. I'm a vegetarian and I'm at a loss of words over what to write in that stupid crap of an essay. I’m not so great because I am failing biology, the worst subject in the history of the world.

And the number one piece of evidence?

I’m so not great because despite what I’ve said earlier, I am not over him. I doubt that I ever will.

I suck. Period.