What It Feels Like To Be a Ghost
Ticking Time Bomb
Isolation.
There’s two ways to go about and learn about it. The first is looking it up in a dictionary and the other is experiencing it. But not just experience it for a couple of hours or even a couple of days. I’m talking about living and breathing it. To feel such loneliness that you don’t know what to do with yourself. To feel this is more torture than anything I’ve ever felt.
Actually I lie. That’s not the worst thing I’ve ever felt. The worst is knowing what it’s like not to be isolated only to be forced back into it. That’s the worst feeling. I would have been happier if I’d never had been reminded how good life really is.
Wow. I sound so…emo. Maybe Janice was right. Maybe I am emo. Kyle says that I’m sensitive, but definitely not emo. So I guess that should make me feel better. He also says that he doesn’t understand why I must be so withdrawn from everyone. He asked if anything has happened to me besides the Justen thing. Oh yeah, he knows about that now. I don’t how he did it, but he weaseled out of me.
He’s sweet but he doesn’t understand. No one ever has, not since Cassidy. Although to be honest, Justen came very close to it. Justen seemed like that type of guy that would have understood anything I told him.
“Hey Claire.” Justen said smiling. I smiled back. I haven’t been this happy in so long. I didn’t even think this was possible.
“Hey Justen! What’s up?” I said, grinning like crazy. I couldn’t stop. Justen just radiates happiness and it’s hard to not get warm because of them. It didn’t matter anymore that the overcoming power of my isolation had consumed me prior to history. That feeling was gone now.
“Nothing really, you?” He said casually.
“Been better.” I shrugged. I instantly clamped my hand over my mouth though. Justen seriously needed a break from all of my problems. It’s as if I never talked about anything but my problems. “I’m sorry.” I said, shyly. “You don’t want to hear my problems.”
“Of course I do. If you want to talk about something—anything—I’m here. Always will be.” He said smiling.
“Really?” I asked, surprised and happy.
“Really.”
Maybe that’s another reason why he left. He didn’t want to know certain things about me and so he left. I mean who wants to get close to a ticking time bomb (emotionally speaking of course)? I totally understand his choice to leave me. At least I have Kyle now. He sits with me at lunch, despite the fact that some people snicker at me. He’s adjusting to it. I don’t know why anyone in their right mind would choose to sit with me, but I’m not complaining. But why does Kyle care so much? It’s a mystery to me.
Anyways when he asked me, I couldn’t answer. After all these years I’m still not ready to talk about it. It’s just something that I can’t get out of my chest yet. It’s still eating me up inside, and no one can help.
Oh they tried, and some people—like Kyle—are still trying. But they haven’t managed any sort of progress. It seems to me as if no one cares enough to help me. Why else would this be happening? I sit—my bad, sat—alone day after day wondering if my life would ever go back to the way it used to be.
One can wish.
There’s two ways to go about and learn about it. The first is looking it up in a dictionary and the other is experiencing it. But not just experience it for a couple of hours or even a couple of days. I’m talking about living and breathing it. To feel such loneliness that you don’t know what to do with yourself. To feel this is more torture than anything I’ve ever felt.
Actually I lie. That’s not the worst thing I’ve ever felt. The worst is knowing what it’s like not to be isolated only to be forced back into it. That’s the worst feeling. I would have been happier if I’d never had been reminded how good life really is.
Wow. I sound so…emo. Maybe Janice was right. Maybe I am emo. Kyle says that I’m sensitive, but definitely not emo. So I guess that should make me feel better. He also says that he doesn’t understand why I must be so withdrawn from everyone. He asked if anything has happened to me besides the Justen thing. Oh yeah, he knows about that now. I don’t how he did it, but he weaseled out of me.
He’s sweet but he doesn’t understand. No one ever has, not since Cassidy. Although to be honest, Justen came very close to it. Justen seemed like that type of guy that would have understood anything I told him.
“Hey Claire.” Justen said smiling. I smiled back. I haven’t been this happy in so long. I didn’t even think this was possible.
“Hey Justen! What’s up?” I said, grinning like crazy. I couldn’t stop. Justen just radiates happiness and it’s hard to not get warm because of them. It didn’t matter anymore that the overcoming power of my isolation had consumed me prior to history. That feeling was gone now.
“Nothing really, you?” He said casually.
“Been better.” I shrugged. I instantly clamped my hand over my mouth though. Justen seriously needed a break from all of my problems. It’s as if I never talked about anything but my problems. “I’m sorry.” I said, shyly. “You don’t want to hear my problems.”
“Of course I do. If you want to talk about something—anything—I’m here. Always will be.” He said smiling.
“Really?” I asked, surprised and happy.
“Really.”
Maybe that’s another reason why he left. He didn’t want to know certain things about me and so he left. I mean who wants to get close to a ticking time bomb (emotionally speaking of course)? I totally understand his choice to leave me. At least I have Kyle now. He sits with me at lunch, despite the fact that some people snicker at me. He’s adjusting to it. I don’t know why anyone in their right mind would choose to sit with me, but I’m not complaining. But why does Kyle care so much? It’s a mystery to me.
Anyways when he asked me, I couldn’t answer. After all these years I’m still not ready to talk about it. It’s just something that I can’t get out of my chest yet. It’s still eating me up inside, and no one can help.
Oh they tried, and some people—like Kyle—are still trying. But they haven’t managed any sort of progress. It seems to me as if no one cares enough to help me. Why else would this be happening? I sit—my bad, sat—alone day after day wondering if my life would ever go back to the way it used to be.
One can wish.