Dreaming Up A Secret

~ Ronan’s Point Of View ~
“Ronan…we need to talk,” Aiden spoke the four most hated words in the English language, no, in the world.
“What’s wrong, Aidy?” I asked.
“Ronan…I think we should, ah, you know…”
Tears formed in my eyes, though I fought hard to keep them under control.
“What?” I tried to keep my voice even and steady, but I think I heard it crack.
“I’m breaking up with you.”
The tears fought there way down my face as I shook my head back and forth as much as I could manage.
“Yo-you said you loved me.” I forced the words out of my mouth.
“I’m sorry,” he said, leaving the room.
Now I was alone.
I pulled the IV out of my arm with a pop. It was sharp enough to break skin. So I grabbed it and pushed back the bandages on my already cut arm. It would be easier to reopen these cuts then make new ones. But me being who I was, I hated making decisions, so I decided why not just do both?
I pushed it into my old cut and moved it over to the left, ripping the skin in my path. Then I moved above where they were and poked myself, making the same ripping pattern up and down, up and down, back and forth, back and forth. Then I bled. As sick as it sounds, those cuts gave me relief. The less blood I had the better I felt. I loved life running away from me like a fugitive from the law. I was learning to appreciate how the dizzying effects of the blood loss made everything seem like a Picasso painting.
And I loved that last second before you slip away.
~ TIME SKIP!!! ~
“Oh my god! Ronan, what did he do?”
Alice’s words brought tears to my eyes as I remembered everything that had happened before I passed out.
“He…broke me.”
Which was actually supposed to come out ‘he broke up with me’ but I guess it worked just as well, considering all things.
“I’m gunna fucking kick his ass,” Alice balled her fists.
Tom pulled her back with a warning look on his face.
“I’m gunna get a snack, want something?”
“No thanks, thanks though,” he kissed her cheek.
I bit my lip, missing Aiden way to much to be healthy. Feeling like cutting myself again already. Alice pushed him off her, glancing towards me with a look that read ‘not in front of him.’ The look on my face probably looked something like a cross between ‘my cat just got run over’ and ‘I just stepped on a fucking tack and its now stuck up my foot and hitting a nerve.’
“He just needs come to his senses. Give him time.” Tom said before leaving the room.
I pushed my face into the pillow to quiet down my sobs as a doctor passed the room. Alice pulled my chin up and starred at me intently.
“Ronan. You have to get over him.”
Her face was inches away from mine. I reached my lips up and kissed her. It was nothing like kissing a boy. Kissing a certain boy. There was not the usual spark I felt when Aiden’s lips brushed mine, no longing for more. I pulled back.
“Ronan. You’re gay.”
I nodded.
“I’m gunna take that as a moment of weakness and completely ignore it, ok?”
I nodded again, “I’m sorry Alice.”
“Its fine, I know your in a bit upset right now, I‘m gunna go fine Tom.”
I licked my lips slowly, thinking about Aiden. Kissing Alice only made me more aware of how fucking gay I am. I felt nothing with her, nothing like with Aiden. His gentle lips were always cautious against mine, making sure I was completely ready, always careful not to hurt me. His kisses were passionate and loving, moving with me as though we were one instead of two.
How would it feel to never have those soft lips against mine again? I hated thinking about it. It was horrible. I mean, that sounds weird and needy-ish, maybe a bit like I’m a slut or something, but it was the general idea of losing Aiden all together, every little aspect that I loved of him, slipping from my grasp.
It wasn’t just the kissing I missed, it was the waking up in the morning to his soft breathing, it was the crazy singing along to songs in the back of Tom’s car, it was those little moments in which we just sat together and read a book or watched a movie.
I wished I could say something like ‘how long could he stay away from this?’ and me confident in it, but that was completely untrue. Aiden was…well, hot. As teenagerish and girly as that sounds, it was true. He had a slim figure with perfect hair which always seemed to find its exact home. His personality was…awesome. He never made a big deal out of anything and I was sure he could win over anyone he wanted. I, on the other hand, was lucky to have ever gotten Aiden and why he had chosen me of all people, I don’t know. I was boring, ugly, and lame. An overly prominent sense of self loathing hung in a cloud around me.
I had the right idea the first time. I took the needle out and cut myself for the third fucking time. And for the third fucking time, I blacked out and loved it.