I´m trying

I was trying to find my shirt after a make-out session on the bus. Almost a month has past since we returned from London .
It has been both heaven and hell since then. Heaven when I was in his arms, or after we made love. Heaven when he smiled at me, but hell every time I know he was with her. Hell when she called him and he left me in a shitty hotel room or in the bus to go to her.
“Here it is” Gerard said with a wicked smile and handed me the shirt, “You don’t have to put it back.” I went to where he was and gave him a brief kiss.
“We were lucky to have the bus for ourselves."
“Yeah, all the guys went out at the perfect time. I was getting pretty tired of backstage rooms and storerooms.” I said putting my Black Flag shirt back on.
“Well in two days will go to a hotel, at least that’s what Brian said.” He was lying on the wall, looking at me and my struggle in the search of my shoes.
“Yeah, and she will want to go with you.” I said as I was putting my shoe.
“Frank, not now” He closed his eyes.
“It’s true.” I went to him again and put my arms around his neck. “When you’re going to break up with her?”
“It’s complicated right now.” He avoided making eye contact with me.
“Is always complicated.” I said with a sigh and tried to pull apart, but he pulled me closer grabbing my waist.
“Soon.” Now he was looking directly into my eyes, trying to make his statement believable.
“Yeah.” I said with a bored tone. I was sick of the same. I broke the embrace.
“I’m sick of this whole situation! I don't know why I keep coming back for more, I must be some kind of masochistic.”
“Frank!” He tried to stop me, but I was already outside the bus, walking with no direction.
“Frankie! Wait.” He’s running after me. I smiled. I turned around to see Jamie running in my direction. I sighed in frustration.
We had became good friends; we talked about music and stuff. And addition to that he was cute, sometimes, I flirted with him to try to make Gerard jealous, but it never worked, he never noticed.
“What’s up dude?” He noticed my disappointed face.
“Are you okay? You look like shit.”
“I’m fine.” I put my hands in my pockets.
“Guess what?”
“What?” I tried to pretend to be curios.
“MSI hired me!!!” He said with excitement.
“WHAT?!" I was horrified; this woman was trying to steal everything from me!
“Hahahaha, yeah they hired me today! Isn’t it great.?”
“Yeah, amazing...” I tried to pretend to be excited.
“Can you come with me? I don’t know anyone in there, and they're kind of nuts.” He scratched his head.
“You’re kidding right?” Was he trying to kill me?
“Please.” Puppy-dog eyes.
“You know I don’t like Lind-Z...”
“But at least you talk to her. And she’s not that bad, you just don’t like her because she‘s with Gerard.” He winked at me.
I turned red.

Fuck.
Did he know?

He took my hands in his.
“You’re an open book Frankie, at least for me, I can read you so easily”. He pulled away the hair that covered my eyes. By now my face was like a tomato.
“I’ll buy you a drink after, I promise.” He suddenly changed the subject when he saw my face. Shit. He knew!
“Okay, lets go” I tried to control the temperature of my face. "You’re acting like a girl!”
“Yeah I’m always the passive one in all my relationships.” He said with a smirk.
“Hey! Iiuuuhhoo!!! Too much information!” I contracted my face. He kissed my cheek and we went to the stage when they were going to perform.
When we arrived, I said hello to Jimmy.
“Hey dude.” He replied.
“This is your new sound guy” I said as I pointed at Jamie
“Oh yeah right. James right?”
“You can call me Jamie.”
“Come, I’ll introduce you to the rest, I'm guessing that you already know Lind-Z…”
After saying hello to the whole band, they rehearsed a couple of songs and were ready for the show.
“Well I'll let you do your job.” I said to Jamie.
“Don’t you want to stay?” It was Lind-z. “You’ve never seen a show. You might like it.” She winked at me. I pretended to smile. I wanted to be alone, but she insisted.
“Sure, why not?” I went to the side of the stage.
“Frank, What are you doing here?” I knew that voice.
“Is that a face of Frank, I’m happy to see you. Or get the fuck away, someone will notice.”
He managed to make me smile.
“Of course it's a happy face.” The music stated to sound, Jimmy gave his intro speech.
They began with "Shut Me Up". I saw Gerard moving with the music, enjoying himself. He came closer and whispered into my ear.
“About earlier, I’m sorry. But is not that simple.” I just nodded, I didn’t want to argue, and this wasn’t the moment or the place.
He returned his attention to the stage. I felt so awkward. I was watching a show by Gerard’s girlfriend.

Wait.... Gerard’s girlfriend. Gerard’s girlfriend!

Suddenly I realized, I was his lover, and he was actually cheating on Lind-z with me! Shit. I was his wore! I felt so bad for her, for the first time. She loved Gee anyway.
I looked at Gerard horrified at my realizations. I saw his eyes; they were so bright; he looked at her like she was the eighth wonder, the same look that he gave me after we made love. I was confused.
“Is something wrong?” He gave me a worried look.
“No.” I pretended a smile. “Good show”
“YEAH!” He grinned and kept looking at her. Why didn’t he end up with her? He keep saying that it wasn’t that simple, it should be simple if you loved someone; it is simple, you just want to be with that person, exclusively! At least that……No, erase that Iero, He loves you. Not her. The only reason he doesn’t break up with her is because he’s scared. He loves you!

But did he even tell you that?

I stared to rephrase all our conversations. He had never said that he loved me, I mean, he never said he really loved me!
I saw his eyes again; there were sparkles while he was looking at her. I felt so down. I just wanted to get out of that scene.
“I’m going to take a nap.”
“Ok.”
I thought he will try to stop me, but He only gave me a smile and kissed my cheek. That confused me even more.
“So I’ll see you later after the show.”
I returned to the bus, there was no one inside. I went to my bunk and started to cry.