Sequel: Memoirs of a Gay Guy : 1000 Things ›
Status: Complete.
Memoirs of a Gay Guy : Till September
Entry : 4
Why did I think it would be such a big deal to tell Fin I'm gay? Why did I dwell on it so much? I was able to tell Judy so I should've been able to tell Fin. I trust her with my life, so I should be able to trust her with the one piece of information that will affect my life the most. Maybe it's because I knew that there was no way that Judy would tell anyone. She wouldn't even tell my parents, that's how important the student/counselor confidentiality is to her. So I knew I was safe telling her. My teachers, my peers, my parents; she wouldn't tell any of them.
But neither would Fin.
So then why was I so freaked out about telling her? I don't know but, boy, let me tell you, I was nervous. We were sitting in the mall food court, sharing a large box of New York Fries and I couldn't stop fidgeting. So Fin, logical and observant as she is, said, “Will, what's bothering you?"
I said, "Nothing much, I was just thinking about, uh, what club I might join." Tomorrow is club day at school. They always do it on the fifth day of school, which this year is a Monday, since we started on a Tuesday. They make everyone choose at least one extra-curricular activity just so everybody will feel 'involved' in the school.
"So did you come up with anything?" she asked me.
Then, by a stroke of genius, I said, "Um, yeah, actually I was thinking I might join GSA."
"The Gay-Straight Alliance?" she looked puzzled. "Well sure, but it just seems to me that they have enough people on the straight side of the alliance."
"Who said I'd be on the straight side?"
Yes, that's what I said. Man, that was ballsy. And I looked her straight [no pun intended] in the face too. She just sat there and stared at me and blinked a couple times before she totally got it. Then her eyes got wide and her jaw practically unhinged and the fry that was half in her mouth threatened to fall out. But she still didn't say anything. I thought that perhaps she wasn't sure if she'd reached the correct conclusion so I said, "Fin, I'm...," and then I told myself to just spit it out. "I'm gay."
She closed her eyes and shook her head and swallowed her french fry before finally speaking. I feared the worst.
"Whoa. Will, I…I don’t know what to say…," she said. She looked in my eyes, searching my face for, I guess, some trace of playing a strange trick on her. When she found none, she shook her head again. She wasn’t frowning, but she didn’t look like she thought it was like I just told her she made MVP on the rugby team. Then she surprised me; she reached for my hand across the table and I let her take it. She squeezed it once and let it go and she gave me a tiny smile. I was so amazed at how she was taking it.
I had expected her to be somewhat disapproving and then either treat me differently for the rest of my life or totally ditch me as a friend. But what I got was the complete opposite reaction to what I'd expected.
Hey! That's why I was so afraid of telling her; I was scared I'd lose her.
Then she said, "How long have you been sure about it?"
"A couple of months," I told her.
Then she said something that made me the happiest 15 year-old gay boy alive. She said, "Will, first of all, I’m really glad that you were able to tell me that and trust me with it, because you know that I'll be behind you on this 100%. You do know that right? And you also should know that it won't affect our friendship. If anything it'll make it a little more interesting," she smirked. "Whenever you decide to tell your parents, I'll be by your side if you need me to be. I will always love and support you." She smiled and added, "And I swear on my late dog Felix's grave [she loved that dog to pieces] that I shan't tell a soul what you've just told me."
You gotta love Fin. It's not every friend who'd swear on a dead pet's grave not to tell your secret. I love that she did that too. She could tell that I didn't really want anyone to know yet. Someday, maybe, I'll be open about it, but I'm not ready for that now. And she knew that, without me having to tell her. I repeat; you gotta love Fin.
But neither would Fin.
So then why was I so freaked out about telling her? I don't know but, boy, let me tell you, I was nervous. We were sitting in the mall food court, sharing a large box of New York Fries and I couldn't stop fidgeting. So Fin, logical and observant as she is, said, “Will, what's bothering you?"
I said, "Nothing much, I was just thinking about, uh, what club I might join." Tomorrow is club day at school. They always do it on the fifth day of school, which this year is a Monday, since we started on a Tuesday. They make everyone choose at least one extra-curricular activity just so everybody will feel 'involved' in the school.
"So did you come up with anything?" she asked me.
Then, by a stroke of genius, I said, "Um, yeah, actually I was thinking I might join GSA."
"The Gay-Straight Alliance?" she looked puzzled. "Well sure, but it just seems to me that they have enough people on the straight side of the alliance."
"Who said I'd be on the straight side?"
Yes, that's what I said. Man, that was ballsy. And I looked her straight [no pun intended] in the face too. She just sat there and stared at me and blinked a couple times before she totally got it. Then her eyes got wide and her jaw practically unhinged and the fry that was half in her mouth threatened to fall out. But she still didn't say anything. I thought that perhaps she wasn't sure if she'd reached the correct conclusion so I said, "Fin, I'm...," and then I told myself to just spit it out. "I'm gay."
She closed her eyes and shook her head and swallowed her french fry before finally speaking. I feared the worst.
"Whoa. Will, I…I don’t know what to say…," she said. She looked in my eyes, searching my face for, I guess, some trace of playing a strange trick on her. When she found none, she shook her head again. She wasn’t frowning, but she didn’t look like she thought it was like I just told her she made MVP on the rugby team. Then she surprised me; she reached for my hand across the table and I let her take it. She squeezed it once and let it go and she gave me a tiny smile. I was so amazed at how she was taking it.
I had expected her to be somewhat disapproving and then either treat me differently for the rest of my life or totally ditch me as a friend. But what I got was the complete opposite reaction to what I'd expected.
Hey! That's why I was so afraid of telling her; I was scared I'd lose her.
Then she said, "How long have you been sure about it?"
"A couple of months," I told her.
Then she said something that made me the happiest 15 year-old gay boy alive. She said, "Will, first of all, I’m really glad that you were able to tell me that and trust me with it, because you know that I'll be behind you on this 100%. You do know that right? And you also should know that it won't affect our friendship. If anything it'll make it a little more interesting," she smirked. "Whenever you decide to tell your parents, I'll be by your side if you need me to be. I will always love and support you." She smiled and added, "And I swear on my late dog Felix's grave [she loved that dog to pieces] that I shan't tell a soul what you've just told me."
You gotta love Fin. It's not every friend who'd swear on a dead pet's grave not to tell your secret. I love that she did that too. She could tell that I didn't really want anyone to know yet. Someday, maybe, I'll be open about it, but I'm not ready for that now. And she knew that, without me having to tell her. I repeat; you gotta love Fin.