The Words to Define These Feelings

I screwed in a new bulb for one of my enormous lights and set it up, then stood back and looked at the space in front of me. I was setting up for the individual photo shoots, and I wanted to make sure the lighting was no less than perfect. I was out in an arboretum; the staff of said arboretum had graciously given me permission to photograph there, as long as I credited them of course.

The guys were running around in circles in the enormous field, playing tag, I think. I couldn’t really tell because they were just screaming loudly and running a lot. Paige was out in the field too, laughing and playing along with them. I had my iPod speakers set up, so that music played out to everyone and set the mood better for me. Right now, it was Time to Pretend by MGMT. I couldn’t help but to dance around a bit myself before turning to the boys and calling them over one by one.

Marc was first. I was having each of them pose however they liked among the trees, which I thought would prove entertaining as well as let their personalities shine through in the photographs. Marc hung upside down from a tree branch, despite my protests concerning how fragile some of the trees could be. Fortunately, he didn’t fall, or break the tree, and I finished up his shoot quickly.

“Who do you want next?” he asked, shaking his head roughly to get the blood rushing from his head back to the rest of his body.

“Oh I don’t care” I mumbled, waving my hand dismissively.

He laughed and darted off to the field, tagging Austin and yelling “YOUR TURN TO GET PHOTOGRAPHED!” Austin ran over and I told him briefly what I wanted him to do, before he glanced at the trees and latched onto one.

“Tree hugger” I mocked, laughing and snapping a few pictures of him before sending him off to get the next guy.

The rest of the photo shoot progressed in a similar fashion. Caleb sat up in the tree and just smiled like an idiot, Jonathan stood on a stump and looked away from the camera mostly (trying to look all cool, I can only imagine), and Kent laid down on the tree branch and miraculously did not crash to the ground.

“Kyle, your turn!” I heard Kent yell. I blew my hair out of my eyes and watched as Kyle approached the grove of trees. My turquoise beanie was perched upon his bleach blonde head, the two colors complementing each other spectacularly, especially when compared to my own dull dishwater blonde hair.

“Yeah you can just keep that” I said with a slight grin. “Just…I don’t know, stand anywhere, sit anywhere, just do whatever you want.”

Kyle hummed obnoxiously and stroked his chin, as if this decision was something that would really make an impact on his life. “Seriously Kyle, whatever is fine. I don’t care if you just sit on the ground.”

“Right but see I want it to reflect Kyle, and Kyle does not just sit on the ground.”

“Oh. Well fine then.” I put my hands on my hips and watched as he walked around in circles, scrutinizing the area carefully.

Finally, he grabbed onto two tree branches of two different trees that were somewhat close to each other and pressed his feet against the trunks of each tree so that he was stretched out between the two. I smiled and snapped a few photographs. “So how does this reflect Kyle then?” I asked, stepping out from behind my camera for a second.

“Well, you see, it clearly says that I am strong. Because obviously I dragged these two trees together so that I could do this.”

“Oh, I see.” I took a few more photos, then Kyle got down.

“So are we done then?” he asked.

“Yeah, I guess so.”

“Cool, I’ll help you put your stuff away.” The next ten or fifteen minutes passed in silence, which was unusual for both of us.

“Are you okay, Kyle?” He raised an eyebrow at me and grinned.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Why?” I shrugged and packed away the last pole, then shut the case and locked it.

“You’re just really quiet; normally you talk so much that I can barely get a word in.”

“Oh.” We piled all the boxes together and looked out at everyone still scattered around the field. “Gina called me earlier today.”

“And she said…?” Kyle squeezed his eyes shut and hugged his knees, then shook his head stubbornly. “Sorry” I said, patting Kyle’s back gently. “If you want to tell me or anything, I’m here Kyle.”

“She’s been cheating on me this whole time. She kept trying to find some way to pin something on me so that everything would be my fault, and she would never have to tell me. But I guess it got to the point where she couldn’t stand to be with me anymore, so…she called, told me everything, and then she dumped me for whoever this guy is.”Before I could say anything or offer him a hug or sad smile, Kyle was on his feet and off to the bus, carrying 75% of my camera stuff with him.

“Oh dear” I mumbled. I picked up the rest of my equipment and started for the bus, only to have it lifted from my arms by Austin, who ran ahead of me and placed the boxes in the bus.

“Thanks Austin” I said distantly, then yelled “Time to go guys!” before climbing onto the bus and searching for Kyle. The curtain to his bunk was shut, and there was a blue post-it note next to it that read ‘fuck off’ in large black letters.

“Kyle” I called softly, closing the door to the bunk room so the five noisy guys and Paige wouldn’t be quite so bothersome. “Kyle, I know you um…don’t really want to talk to me right now, but as your secret best friend, I felt like I should let you know that I’m here if you need someone to talk to. Or rant at, or watch dumb movies with, or hug, or um…you know, I’ll just…I’ll be here…” I trailed off lamely.

I waited a few minutes for a reply, then, after hearing nothing but the occasional choked sob, I pulled the plush Stitch toy from my bunk and slid it under the curtain of Kyle’s bunk. “Just…there’s that little guy, he’s really soft and nice.” I took another glance at the ‘fuck off’ sign, hoped for Kyle to come out of his bunk and show some sign of normalcy, then opened the door to the front lounge and shut it gently behind me.

“Is Kyle okay…?” Paige asked, briefly distracting the other guys from whatever they’d been watching.

“I don’t know Paige. I’m hoping he just needs some time to think.”

“What happened?” Kent asked with wide eyes.

“His girlfriend cheated on him, accused him of cheating, and then dumped him” Caleb explained briefly with a grim look.

“He’ll be fine guys, just keep doing what you were doing” I said, pointing at the TV and rubbing my forehead abrasively. I collapsed on the couch next to Jonathan, who enveloped me in a hug. “Thanks, what’s this for now?” I asked, quirking an eyebrow.

“He’ll come around eventually, don’t worry.” I laughed half-heartedly and glanced at the un-moving door.

“He better” I mumbled bitterly, before falling asleep right there in a matter of minutes.