The Words to Define These Feelings

Phoebe's POV

I watched as Paige and Caleb left through the front door without causing any fuss about having to be around each other. I glanced over at Kyle, who was seated at the table with a pad of paper and a pencil, his hand moving furiously across the page.

I shuffled over sideways to Marc, who, as Kyle’s step-brother, knew the most about him; I figured could help me out. “Marc” I whispered, gently tugging on his sleeve.

“What’s up Phoebe?” he asked, smiling widely.

“Has Kyle been doing any better recently?”

“No, not really. He still won’t talk to anyone. I think he’s just frustrated because he’s dumped all his other girlfriends.”

“What?”

“Well I mean…ugh that made him sound like a slut. Kyle isn’t a slut, I swear. He just doesn’t stay with a girl very long if he doesn’t think she’s right for him.” I nodded and we watched him wordlessly. His eyebrows were furrowed together and his tongue was poking out a little bit, a sure sign that he was seriously concentrating on whatever he was doing. “You can try talking to him if you want, but don’t expect much.”

Marc gave me an encouraging pat on the back before returning to the couch, where everyone else was playing Paige and I’s Wii. Our jobs don’t pay spectacularly, but tell me to live without video games and you might as well tell me to live without my camera. Which, considering my occupation, would be quite a stupid thing to say.

I breathed in and made my way over to the table, sitting down across from Kyle and clearing my throat gently. He didn’t reply, or look up, he gave no sign that he knew that I was there. “Um…Kyle” I said softly, reaching my hand out towards him.

“FUCK OFF!” Kyle roared at me, his nostrils flaring as he stood up and knocked the chair he’d been sitting on over backwards. Silence fell over the room except for the music from Mario Kart, which was quickly muted. I remained in my chair, shock settling into my features as I looked up at Kyle, who glared back at me with icy grey eyes.

I shook my head and stood up slowly; walking around the table and picking up the chair Kyle had knocked over, setting it down beside him. “If you’re going to give a friend that kind of attitude Kyle, then you can fuck off” I said clearly, swallowing the lump in my throat and pointing at the door.

He just blinked at me, clearly taken aback by the fact that I had fought him back on this. The silence continued, only deepening when Jonathan, Marc, Austin, and Kent scurried off to another room. “I’m serious Kyle. I’ve only ever offered to help you, and I am not letting you give me shit in return.”

“Look I never asked for your help and I don’t need it. Not from you, not from anyone.”

“Actually, I recall you asking me if you could call me if you ever wanted to talk about your Gina problems. So yeah, you’ve asked for my help and you’ve needed it.”

“Well maybe I don’t want it anymore! I’m fine on my own” Kyle said, mumbling the last part and darting away from me. He settled himself on the couch and flicked on the TV, picked up a controller, and resumed the game on his own.

“Kyle, I was being completely serious. If you’re going to be an asshole to me, then you need to get out. Now.” I shut off the TV and the Wii, folding my arms across my chest and nodding towards the door. “Leave.”

Kyle’s gaze remained focused on the blank TV screen, and he gripped the controller more tightly, grumbling inaudibly. “Good riddance, right?” he said with a sneer when I opened the door for him.

“No. Normally I find your company to be very enjoyable, hanging out with you is something I look forward to. But not when you act like this. I know you’re upset, and you have every right to be. But nothing’s going to change, or get better, just because you refuse to let yourself be happy.”

“Who said I’m not happy this way? I’m getting by just fine from show to show on my own terms. I don’t need friends, I don’t need help, and I don’t need you.” With that, Kyle strode down the hallway, yelling that he’d be in a hotel and he had his phone if the guys needed him.

I shut the door gently and returned to the table; pushing in the chairs and making everything look neat again. My eyes strayed to Kyle’s sketchpad; I picked it up and carried it with me to my room. “You can come out now” I said to the guys, who had been hiding in my room. Paige and Caleb came in the front door and everyone dashed to the table to get their helping of pizza.

I closed the door to my room, leaving it open just a crack, and sat down on my bed with Kyle’s sketchpad. I flipped through the first few pages, sketches of drum kits he was fantasizing about, with specific details marked here and there. After that, I found comical sketches of some of the FTSK guys, their features distorted somewhat in scenes where they were doing things typical of themselves. There were a couple of Gina, who Kyle had portrayed as many things, including a rotting apple.

I smiled a little bit and flipped through the rest, which were mostly random things like hands or landscapes. But there was one in particular which caught my eye. There was a lot of care and detailing that had gone this one, a sketch of a girl. She wore jeans and a t-shirt, and there was a hat on top of her pretty hair. She had a large camera around her neck, and there was a rough sketch of another figure next to her.

“That’s not supposed to be me, is it?” I mused, squinting at the sketch of the girl. But the more I looked at it, the more obvious it was that this was me. From my prominent nose to my signature black Nike’s, there was no way this girl wasn’t me. I looked at the sketch next to me, which wore cargo shorts and a t-shirt. His hair was shorter, and very messy, and he had a pair of drum sticks in his pocket. “And that must be Kyle” I said with a grin, looking over the sketch again. The Phoebe sketch and Kyle sketch were holding hands.

“Don’t you want some pizza Phoebe?” Paige asked, waltzing into the room. I nodded and took the plate she was offering to me, then pointed at the sketchbook.

“Kyle drew this; he left all his sketches here.”

“Why did he leave Pheebs?”

“He yelled at me to fuck off, so I made him leave.” Paige sighed and picked up the sketchbook, looking over the picture.

“That’s you and Kyle holding hands” Paige said with a grin, flipping the page. “Oh look, there’s words on the back!”

We both leaned in close to read what the back of the sketch said. “Never knew I could feel like this…” I grinned like an idiot, remembering that I’d sung a lot of songs from musicals on the tour bus, prominently ‘Come What May’ from Moulin Rouge. Somebody must’ve heard me singing.

“Next time I see him I’m confronting him about this” I muttered as I ate my pizza. Paige and I returned to the guys, I apparently had a killer Mario Kart match to watch.