The Words to Define These Feelings

Phoebe’s POV

I took my sweet time getting out of the taxi once we’d arrived at the venue, waiting until everyone was back on the bus, including Kyle, before finally paying the cab driver and making my way back to the bus. I was trying hard, almost too hard, I think, to ignore Kyle completely.

I walked back to my bunk and half way expected Kyle to be standing by it, demanding an explanation from me. But he wasn’t there, nobody was. I climbed up into my bunk and found a little blue post-it note. I rolled my eyes before reading what it said.

“Two can play at this game.”

I grumbled and set my backpack down on my bed, pulling out Kyle’s sketchpad and paging through it. I stopped on the sketch of me and him, and folded the cover over, letting the picture etch its way into my mind. I heard rustling outside the curtain and peeked outside to see Kyle rummaging around in his bunk.

“Kyle” I mumbled, only just barely loud enough for him to hear. He made no sign that he’d heard me, just hopped into his bunk and shut the curtain behind him. I sighed and nudged my curtain back a foot and tapped on the wall next to his gently. “Kyle we need to talk” I said, more clearly and louder this time. Still no response whatsoever. I frowned and stretched out my arm as far as I could, trying to shove his curtain back from my bunk.

“Don’t fall.” I squeaked and withdrew my hand, embarrassed that I’d made such a stupid noise. Kyle pushed back the curtain himself and waved. “You uh…you knocked?” he said, a smirk hiding behind the blank expression on his face.

“Yeah…Kyle, we need to talk.” He nodded and hopped down from his bunk, gesturing for me to come down too. I rolled my eyes then slid out gracefully, ignoring Kyle’s hand extended towards me as an offer of help. I did notice, however, that in his other hand he was holding my Stitch.

“That’s mine” I said childishly, pointing at the plush toy and frowning.

“Yeah, and that’s mine” Kyle replied, pointing at the sketchbook nestled in my arms. “Once we talk, you can have him back.” I nodded and Kyle led me outside, where we wandered the streets of Chicago until we ended up in Millennium Park. It was cold and somewhat windy; I couldn’t help but to shiver a little bit.

“Why have you been ignoring me?” Kyle asked, his voice cracking a little bit. We sat down on a bench next to each other, and Kyle nudged me gently. “Please, I want to know.” I could feel his eyes boring into the side of my head; I didn’t blame him for being so eager to know the answer to this. But I didn’t know how to say it nicely.

“Because you treated me like shit” I muttered. “And you deserved to know how that feels.” I shivered again, the wind nipping at my ears and freezing my tears before they could even fall. “Because you were so wrapped up in yourself, worrying about your own problems. You couldn’t stop feeling sorry for yourself long enough to notice that you already had seven people there who were more than happy to care for you. You ignored me Kyle, not the other way around.”

“…But, Gina dumped me. I was upset. I just needed time to vent.”

“Okay, but venting shouldn’t have to involve screaming at me and making me feel completely worthless Kyle! I want to like you, I really do” I stopped myself and took in a huge gulp of air, trying to calm myself down and getting nowhere with that. I was being completely retarded.

“Alright, calm down Phoebe” Kyle murmured, attempting to hug me. I ducked out of his reach and scooted to the edge of the bench, practically sitting in a plant next to me. His features displayed absolute dismay, his shoulders hunched and his arms hung uselessly at his sides, his eyes emotionless and his lips curled in a frown. “Fine, here” he said flatly, shoving Stitch into my arms. “Can I have my sketchbook back now please?”

“No.”

“But…it’s my sketchbook!” he spluttered, reaching over to grab it from me.

“You can have it back, when you explain this” I said, holding up the picture he’d drawn of me and him holding hands.

He shrugged and tried to keep a straight face, even though his pale cheeks were changing steadily to bright pink. “It’s a drawing of a girl and a boy.”

“Kyle, this is me and you.”

“No, it isn’t.”

“Yes, it is Kyle, look at it! The girl has a camera and blonde hair and my shoes and my face and my clothes and the boy has your hair and your drum sticks and your stupid cargo shorts! Just stop acting like you’re so tough for one second!” I threw the sketchbook on the ground angrily and hugged Stitch to my chest as I ran away from Kyle, thoroughly unsatisfied with the conversation I’d just had.

“Phoebe come back!” Kyle yelled desperately, sprinting up next to me and grabbing my hand, which I immediately wrenched out of his grip. “Please, will you listen to me?” he begged, touching my shoulder gently. “Hear me out, at least” he said, turning me to face him.

“What can you possibly have to say to me that can make up for all the horrible things you’ve said and done to me in the past few weeks Kyle Burns” I said angrily.

He sighed and I noticed a tear fall down his cheek, the second time ever I’d seen Kyle cry. He opened his sketchbook and flipped to the sketch of me and him, then held it out facing me. “This is you and me, okay? I…I just missed you, a lot, when you were gone. I know this can’t happen for us, but the idea of it made me miss you a little bit less and made me smile a little bit more. I’m sorry. Wow, I’m coming off as completely pathetic.”

He laughed dryly and tucked the sketchbook under his arm, looking at me expectantly. “What do you want me to say Kyle?” I said softly. His face fell, and I immediately felt a pang of guilt in my chest, I could’ve been a little bit nicer than that.

“I don’t know…I guess I was kind of hoping that you’d feel the same, or something.” I took a step away from Kyle, holding out my hand gently so that he would know to keep his distance.

“I like you Kyle; I can’t hide that from you any longer. I really like you. But I don’t want to take this any farther only to have you leave me in the dust after a few weeks.” Kyle's eyes bugged out of his head, he looked shocked that I knew about his dating habits. I rolled my eyes before continuing. “Marc told me. I’m just not going to set myself up for rejection Kyle.”

“But, I would never” Kyle started, before I began walking away from him swiftly. Kyle tried to catch up to me a few times, but I kept darting out of his reach until he plopped down on a bench, defeated. I shut my eyes as I drew closer to the bus, wishing that it didn’t have to hurt this much.