What The Devil Doesn't Know
19
I like the taste of salt water, and I like the way it stings my eyes. I like the feeling of salt and sand and ocean gunk in my hair and on my skin. Maybe I'm a weirdo, but I like the gross stuff like that. Most people would run for a water bottle or shower, but I'd prefer to soak it in. The uncomfortable feelings pass, and I feel a wave of numbness wash over me. My head buzzes and I can't feel my mouth.
Everyone else is out in the water. I'm sitting on the shore, staring at the horizon in a daze.
I know what I want. I want what every girl wants. I want to be pretty. I want to be loved. I want to be happy. I know what I want, but I'm not sure how to get it. Like, if fucking Mickey again meant I was loved, I'd do it in a heartbeat. Because I know I want to be loved. I know I want to make him happy. But I'm not sure fucking him means I'm loved. It's all so confusing.
Up until this point, I still don't think I've said enough about Mickey. He really is amazing. He holds my hand in public. And kisses me goodnight. And takes care of me when I'm too far gone. My god, I really do love him. I know it's only been like, 2 months, but we haven't been apart since we met. We've made such an amazing connection.
Mickey walked towards me. He stood in the shallow water and traded boards with Frances, handing her a good one, while the soft waves continued to lap around his legs. He came closer, and sat down next to me.
"I love you." I said, still staring blankly.
"I love you too." He said, lighting a cigarette out of my bag. He took a drag, and asked me, "What are you thinking about?
"I'm not sure. Nothing and everything, all at once. Isn't the sky pretty?" The sun had started setting, and the sky was turning pinky-orange. "What are we doing tonight?"
"I think the band is getting together for our first jam session thing tonight. I figured you could come with us, eh groupie?" He nudged me. I smiled and nudged back.
"What band?" I teased.
"You know. The band. Well right now it's me, Jakob, and Jayden, but we'll be a band. We just need a bass player. Jakob and I both play but we wanted to have two guitars, so that leaves a slot for a bassist. And maybe a singer. I'll do it if we can't find someone really exceptional, but I'd rather not have to." He squinted at the horizon with me, obviously having deep thoughts about the band.
"Let me hear you sing again." He said.
"What? No! You're a better singer than me, so don't bother." I really do suck.
"C'mon! We all heard you last night. You were good! I can't really remember though, I was pretty high. Just let me hear you again. I'll still love you even if you suck." He was begging me now, and I thought it was pretty cute.
"Fine. What do you want to hear?"
"Yes! Uhmmm... do Californication." We both liked that Chili Peppers song, even if it was old and over played. A good song is a good song.
"Ok. If thats what you want..." I took a deep breath.
"Psychic spies from China try to steal your mind's elation.
Little girls from Sweden dream of silver screen quotations.
And if you want these kind of dreams it's Californication."
"Keep going." He urged.
I let out a huff of pretend annoyance.
"It's the, edge of the world and all of Western civilization.
The sun may rise in the East at least it settles in a final location.
It's understood that Hollywood sells Californication.
Pay your surgeon very well to break the spell of aging.
Celebrity skin is this your chin or is that war your waging.
First born unicorn.
Hard core soft porn.
Dream of Californication.
Dream of Californication."
"Thank you."
***
Everyone else is out in the water. I'm sitting on the shore, staring at the horizon in a daze.
I know what I want. I want what every girl wants. I want to be pretty. I want to be loved. I want to be happy. I know what I want, but I'm not sure how to get it. Like, if fucking Mickey again meant I was loved, I'd do it in a heartbeat. Because I know I want to be loved. I know I want to make him happy. But I'm not sure fucking him means I'm loved. It's all so confusing.
Up until this point, I still don't think I've said enough about Mickey. He really is amazing. He holds my hand in public. And kisses me goodnight. And takes care of me when I'm too far gone. My god, I really do love him. I know it's only been like, 2 months, but we haven't been apart since we met. We've made such an amazing connection.
Mickey walked towards me. He stood in the shallow water and traded boards with Frances, handing her a good one, while the soft waves continued to lap around his legs. He came closer, and sat down next to me.
"I love you." I said, still staring blankly.
"I love you too." He said, lighting a cigarette out of my bag. He took a drag, and asked me, "What are you thinking about?
"I'm not sure. Nothing and everything, all at once. Isn't the sky pretty?" The sun had started setting, and the sky was turning pinky-orange. "What are we doing tonight?"
"I think the band is getting together for our first jam session thing tonight. I figured you could come with us, eh groupie?" He nudged me. I smiled and nudged back.
"What band?" I teased.
"You know. The band. Well right now it's me, Jakob, and Jayden, but we'll be a band. We just need a bass player. Jakob and I both play but we wanted to have two guitars, so that leaves a slot for a bassist. And maybe a singer. I'll do it if we can't find someone really exceptional, but I'd rather not have to." He squinted at the horizon with me, obviously having deep thoughts about the band.
"Let me hear you sing again." He said.
"What? No! You're a better singer than me, so don't bother." I really do suck.
"C'mon! We all heard you last night. You were good! I can't really remember though, I was pretty high. Just let me hear you again. I'll still love you even if you suck." He was begging me now, and I thought it was pretty cute.
"Fine. What do you want to hear?"
"Yes! Uhmmm... do Californication." We both liked that Chili Peppers song, even if it was old and over played. A good song is a good song.
"Ok. If thats what you want..." I took a deep breath.
"Psychic spies from China try to steal your mind's elation.
Little girls from Sweden dream of silver screen quotations.
And if you want these kind of dreams it's Californication."
"Keep going." He urged.
I let out a huff of pretend annoyance.
"It's the, edge of the world and all of Western civilization.
The sun may rise in the East at least it settles in a final location.
It's understood that Hollywood sells Californication.
Pay your surgeon very well to break the spell of aging.
Celebrity skin is this your chin or is that war your waging.
First born unicorn.
Hard core soft porn.
Dream of Californication.
Dream of Californication."
"Thank you."
***