Highmore Manor

We landed in London finally after the long flight over from New Zealand on the afternoon of New Years Eve and my 17th birthday.

It was a bittersweet feeling being back in England, part of me wanted to be here so bad but most of me wanted to be back home where I felt so comfortable.

I'd woken up early on our last morning in New Zealand and lay in bed staring at the ceiling, watching the rising sun throw orange and pink patterns across my room.

My stomach had been a mixture of nerves. Leaving New Zealand, arriving here, leaving people I loved, to meet up with the people I could definitely live without right now.

That wasn't really how I wanted to spend my 17th birthday: feeling sick and full of dread.

I'd gone for my last look around my house, the next time I would be back here would be in seven months for summer break and by then everything would've changed again. I dreaded the thought that everything that was going on in my life would still be happening then too.

Then when everyone had woken up it had been a hectic rush to get to the airport on time.

It was hard walking away from my mum and my friends again, it was a repeat of last time and this time I didn’t have the bundle of nerves and excitement to drown out my sadness. This time I just had a big bunch of dread and fear, and that mixed with the sadness perfectly and made it ten times worse.

Seeing their crying faces as we rode up on the escalator was tearing me apart. Everything would be so much easier if I could have just stayed.

But it was too late now.

I was sitting in the back seat of Ryan's car watching the English countryside flash past. I still had the same sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that I'd gotten as we landed, like my stomach was rolling like a boat on a stormy sea.

Now that I was back on this side of the world everything was suddenly more concrete.

Back home all I had was my thoughts about what was about to come, now actually realizing I wasn’t just living a nightmare and I had to face these things in only a few hours was terrifying.

Callie had been completely silent the whole trip over, she’d curled up on her seat and attempted to fall asleep as soon as we were in the air and now she was basically doing the same thing in the passengers seat of Ryan's car.

I knew that had something to do with Tamati, I’d seen them whispering to each other in the airport before we left and the tears that she’d wiped away as we walked to the gates.

I also knew we were both sharing the same feeling at that moment, every time our eyes met I could read the dread in her eyes, just as she could probably read in my own.

Our eyes had met briefly when we'd collected out bags, I instantly started hoping it wouldn’t be Chase picking us up and I knew Callie was hoping it wouldn’t be Alex.

Thankfully it was neither of them.

The car ride home was almost completely silent, I wasn't sure if we weren't speaking for Callie's benefit or because Ryan still didn't want to talk to me.

When we pulled in the driveway to Highmore Ryan finally spoke up.

"They're throwing a New Years party tonight down at the beach in a few hours, so you should probably dress in something warm, it's freezing down there." He met my gaze in the rearview mirror and held it for a few seconds, before looking away quickly. "Oh and Hayley, can I talk to you before you go down to the beach?" he asked, concentrating hard on the road as he spoke. I watched the back of his head for a few minutes before I answering.

"Why?"

"Because, can you just do it!" he snapped. I widened my eyes slightly and held my hands up in surrender.

"No need to snap, I was just asking," I replied.

"Yeah well – " he said, trailing off. I groaned slightly and rolled my eyes, completely sick of his crap.

We finally pulled into the school car park a few minutes later and as soon as the car had rolled to a stop I jumped out of the car and threw the trunk open.

"Hey, careful with the car!" Ryan exclaimed, half jogging around to the back, shooting me an annoyed look and reaching into the back to grab my bag for me. I crossed my arms and waited for him to put it down on the ground before grabbing the handle and walking off towards the school, bumping his shoulder purposefully as I went. As I walked away I couldn't help the huge smile spread across my face, I was being such a bitch and honestly it felt amazing.

I glanced over my shoulder at the car. Callie was reaching in to grab her bag, Ryan was standing pretty much exactly where I'd left him, his hand resting on the car as he watched me walk away.

I turned back and walked in through the front door.

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

The party started at 7:00 and by then it was almost completely dark. There was a faint orange glow coming from the humongous bonfire they'd set up that could be seen though the trees if you looked though them the right way.

Callie and I had spent the last few hours since arriving in our room unpacking, chatting and getting ready for the party. I'd managed to fish out some of my warm clothes again; they were all at the back of the wardrobe behind all the summer clothes I’d taken back to New Zealand. I was just pulling on my warm leather jacket over my grey long sleeved top when someone knocked on the door to our room. Callie answered it and revealed Ryan standing there looking a little lost.

"Hey," I said softly, he smiled slightly and replied the same. I said bye to Callie and then followed him out the door.

We walked down the hall in complete silence, and for once the silence between us was actually awkward. It never seemed like it could ever get this way between us, but it had.

"Uh, how were your holidays?" Ryan asked after what seemed like an age.

"Uh, yeah they were alright most of the time, and other parts were crap –" I trailed off and stared down at the floor.

"Mm yeah, Jesse told me what happened," he said cautiously, glancing over at me quickly.

"Oh, did he?" I asked, my voice sounding kind of monotonous.

"Yeah," he replied, drawing the word out in a weird way. We fell completely silent again.

So many thoughts were buzzing around in my head as we walked, thinking how this wasn't right and that there shouldn't be this huge rift between us, neither of really had anything to be angry at each other with if you thought about it.

"You know, this is stupid!" Ryan finally broke the silence, speaking exactly what I was thinking. He spun around and stood in front of me, stopping me in my tracks. "It wasn't meant to be like this, we were meant to talk it over and sort everything out – not just walk through the school in complete silence!"

"I know, it's so wrong not to be talking to you like normal," I agreed, looking up at him.

"We need to talk this through," he decided, furrowing his eyebrows slightly.

"Yes, we do," I agreed again, nodding along with him.

"Ok, right. So to clear things up, first, you don't like me at all right?" he asked, watching me like he was the cop in a police investigation.

"I like you as a friend, Ry, but only as a friend," I explained. He nodded and looked away, biting his lip slightly.

"And you like Chase?" he asked, looking at me quizzically, the slightest hint of disbelieving seeping into his tone.

"Ry – " I started saying, but Ryan interrupted by immediately.

"See I don't understand that. Out of all of it, that's the thing I don't understand. How could you possible turn me down and then move onto someone like Chase Birchall?" Ryan asked, the anger obviously building up inside him. I could see it in his eyes.

"Because before the holidays I thought he was the right guy for me, there honestly didn't seem anything about him that would make me not like him!" I exclaimed.

"But we don't like him! Isn't that enough?" Ryan snapped, glaring down at me. It was times like these I really wished I wasn't so short and that Ryan would just get it into his thick skull that I didn't want to be with him.

"No, Ryan! It isn't," I snapped back. "You could not like him for anything, and unless you tell me what it is you don't like him for then I have no reason to think that has anything to do with me! But that's the thing, none of you will tell me! Not even him!"

"But seriously, Hayley, Chase Birchall? What has he got that I don't?" Ryan pleaded, completely ignoring my statement.

"I don't like you, Ryan! That's what he has," I exclaimed. I turned away from his quickly, sucking in a breath of air and glancing around me briefly. We were standing in a deserted corridor in some darkened part of the school, I was glad at least that there was no one else around.

"Has?" Ryan asked.

I turned back to him and shook my head, pressing my hand against my forehead. "Had. He had it and he doesn't now. Ry, when you aren't being annoying and insistent about all of this, like now, you're the most amazing friend!" I said sincerely and softly.

"And you like Jesse over that?" he asked, cocking his head slightly.

I groaned slightly and looked at him pleadingly. "Amazing friend! Ryan, friend! And I never said – " I started.

"Why do you even like him? He hardly talks to you. Oh I get it, it's because he's brooding and mysterious isn't it? Oh and hot, I forgot that bit didn't I? He's so goddamn good-looking. Should I be more like that then? Am I too ugly for you?" Ryan interrupted, sarcasm and envy dripping from his voice.

"Ryan!" I gasped.

He raised his eyes to look at me, his lips were pursed in an angry line and his blue orbs were flickering slightly with the intensity of his stare. But as he looked at me I saw him relax slightly, like he was finally realizing what I was trying to get at.

"I can't deal with this right now, Ryan. After everything that's happened lately, I just can't –" I sighed and dropped my head, ripping my gaze from his. He stood there in silence as I combed my fingers through my hair and took a few deep breaths.

"You'll always be a friend to me, Ry, and as soon as you realize that's all we can be and take that for granted you come straight to me and then we can sort this all out. But now, just, please, leave me alone," I said, finally looking back up at him. He was leaning on the wall with his hand; his head dropped dejectedly like a wounded puppy. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes as I took him in. I raised my hand slightly and rested it on his shoulder for a second.

"I'm sorry," I choked out past the ball of tears rising in my throat. I brushed past him slightly and took off at a jog down the hallway, just running wherever they took me.

Just running away.