Loving You Is Harder Than You Know

Ryan's P.O.V

I know this sounds strange but Jon's house is so intimidating, everything about it is so perfect I feel like a horrid flaw inside of it. I'm sat in his living room, I'm perched right on the very end of his beige sofa and trying to hover my dirty shoes above the amazingly, clean white carpet. Don't get me wrong Jon's home is very cozy and welcoming but I just don't feel like I am going to fit in or settle down easily. Slowly I scan my eyes around his living room, its completely different to mine and Brendon's. Ours has a huge television, with pictures cramped onto every possible wall space or table, with video games scattered across the bright green carpet. Whereas Jon has a few simple photos in golden frames on his mantelpiece and his television is tiny, most of the room is filled with expensive furniture and books.

Well at least Jon loves reading, that's one thing we have in common.

Jon comes into the living room, he places a cup of tea on a matt in front of me and flashes me one of his famous smiles. I reach out to grasp the cup, but my fingers are shaking so much that I dare not pick it up in case I idiotically spill it across Jons gleaming carpet. He sits in a chair across from me and props a pillow behind his back. I just sit uncomfortably, trying my hardest not to bite my nails seeing as that is a dirty habit of mine.

"So Ryan, lets talk about Brendon," he says calmly, I swallow what felt like a football sized lump in my throat and try to pull myself together. I keep fidgeting, every now and then messing with my hair or picking at my nails. I just feel so on edge its as if Jon is judging me, trying to get inside my head and make me spill my deep, dark secrets.

"I would rather not discuss things on the topic of Brendon," I say politely, before picking up the cup of tea and taking a low satisfactory drink from it. Jon sighs so loudly that I feels like its hovering around my ears, he is obviously getting frustrated with me.

"Look Ryan I know your scared but I'm trying to help you, just tell me how you are feeling."

"No! I don't want to talk about anything because there is nothing to talk about," I tell him sternly, I sit up abruptly trying to show Jon that Im not the shaking, innocent mess I was when he first met me. Him trying to solve all my problems is just making everything worse, I would rather one person get hurt than two.

"Why are you so stubborn," Jon asks seriously, he looks at me harshly, the once calm look on his face has turned to tense features and the smile has faded from his lips. He folds his arms and impatiently taps his foot, waiting for me to reply in some sort of polite manner.

"Why do you want look after me," I ask back in the same commanding tone, Jon chuckles to himself before getting up and stretching his arms widely. I thought he was going to walk away from me, perhaps nestle himself into a chair in any of the numerous rooms in this house and read one of his many books whilst thinking about how I'm a terrible person. But instead he walks over to me and sits so close to me that are legs are touching and his shoulder keeps brushing past mine.

"You look cute when your angry," Jon smiles, the butterflies immediately play havoc in my stomach, attacking my insides, crashing into each other. His hand is rested on my thigh, his face is incredibly close to mine. This is why Jon makes me hate him, he makes me want to leave Brendon and live a happy normal life with him. He makes me question my love for Brendon and I don't like it.

"Jon stop, I have a boyfriend," I say quietly, looking away I feel the pain tugging at my weak heartstrings. I don't want to look at Jon and experience seeing the hurt or disappointment creep into his eyes. He just sends so many signs, the words he uses to describe me, holding me in his arms, saying he wants to look after me. It all adds up he has to like me, as in finding me attractive or wanting to date me. Or maybe I'm reading him all wrong and really he's just acting like a true friend.

Just think Ryan, what if actually likes you. If you had a brain you would seize this opportunity and pretend like Brendon never existed.

"Jon, I'm home."

I turn my head to the door, I see somebody walking in, they hang there jacket up and slip off their shoes placing them neatly in a cupboard. They turn around and I see there actual identity. It's a rather tall guy, he's got beautiful, sparkling green eyes and dark brown hair, his fringe is swept across one of his eyes, instantly giving him a mysterious look. He looks friendly, easily approachable. But none of that matters, I just want to know who he is.

Maybe its his brother, room mate, lover...

"Dylan this is Ryan, he will be staying with us for a while," Jon says, bringing me out of my deep thoughts and bringing my attention back to the guy stood in front of me.

"Jon, how do you always manage to bring the cute ones home," he laughs, instantly my cheeks flush pink and I stare into my lap instead. Okay now I am really uncomfortable, who is this guy and why is he telling Jon that I'm cute! Really I'm not one of those boys who melt your heart with a simple look, I'm rough around the edges and insanely insecure.

"I guess its a talent of mine,"Jon giggles, I see Dylan walk over to Jon as he crouches down beside him and plants a soft kiss on his cheek. I try to hold my reaction down, but I can't help but let a tiny gasp escape from my lips. A kiss can only mean one thing, Jon and this Dylan guy are dating.

Jon has a boyfriend, he can't like me. I've been kidding myself, trying to persuade myself to think that Jon actually cares for me. But he is just like all my other so called friends, to begin with they are your best friend and can't keep away from you, but then something or someone better comes along and then you mean absolutely nothing to them.

"Ryan, this is Dylan my fiancee," Jon tells me, I swear it feels like my heart has forced its way through my rib cage and exploded out of my chest. I feel angry, hurt, confused. Why do I actually feel jealous of Dylan, I have Brendon and I love him. Well I still think I do.

"It's a pleasure to meet you," I lie through my teeth, he reaches out one of his pale hands and I reluctantly shake it. You see now I am being horrible towards him just because he just so happenes to be in a relationship with Jon. He has done nothing wrong, expect break my heart and possibly wreck what's left of my life. Okay maybe I am over exaggerating but still I can't bring myself to be nice to him.

"No, the pleasure is all mine, its nice to know that Jon has friends like you," he says sweetly, great he actually is a really nice guy, I'm finding it pretty hard to bring myself not to like him.

"Dylan can I talk to you in the kitchen for a moment," Jon asks, Dylan nods his head as they both make there way to the kitchen talking and laughing like a normal couple. I emphasize the word normal, me and Brendon are never like that, the only time Brendon laughs is when I'm hurt or crying. Well at least one of us laughs in mine and Brendons relationship.

I look over to the table near me and see an elegant phone perched on it, Jons in the kitchen I could just quickly phone Brendon and beg him to take me home. He was being strangely nice to me before I left, maybe he has changed, maybe he does love me after all. I get up, staring down at the phone, I grab it quickly holding it close to my chest and taking deep breaths.

I have to leave, seeing Jon with Dylan its hurting me so badly and I don't think my heart can take it for much longer.