Loving You Is Harder Than You Know

Ryan's P.O.V

I love Brendon right, ringing him now is the right think to do, I want to go home.

Do I? Okay I am seriously fed up of the constant questions buzzing round my head. I need to find answers to my never ending questions, I can't constantly stop and think about every single thing I do and analysis every single outcome or consequence of it. Ringing Brendon is defiantly something I need to do, I miss him dreadfully and I shouldn't be here. Jon has a finance and I don't what to push my way into his already happy family. I will just ruin it anyway, my constant tears and mood swings are enough to push anybody over the edge.

Picking up the phone, I press in Brendon's phone number, my heart seems to pump faster after every single button is touched. I put the phone to my ear, nervously waiting for Brendon to come on the other end of the line. Instantly I bring my free hand to my mouth and start to chew on my nails, nerves I suppose. I keep taking quick glances to the kitchen door in case Jon or Dylan comes in unexpectedly.

"Hello."

"Oh Brendon, I'm so glad you answered," I tell him quietly, whilst trying to keep the relief inside of me. I know this sounds so cheesy but it feels beyond good just to hear his voice. I'm smiling now, I could be going home to a happy, loving Brendon. I might be spending a night just like the old times, maybe Brendon will let me sleep in the same bed as him! Or even better he could sing to me, I would do anything and I mean anything to hear Brendon's beautiful voice again.

"Having fun at bowling," Brendon asks me cheerfully.

"I'm at Jon's..."

Oh no.

"What!?"

"I didn't lie Bren, Jon made me come here, don't me mad with me," I try to tell him calmly but I can already hear the fine cracks breaking into my voice. I'm still trying to be as quiet as possible because what's all I need now is for Jon to walk in on me. Then two people who I care for will be disappointed in me, I might as well give up on life If I'm a big failure to the only people close to me.

I thought it would be easy to stay on the good side of a small group of family and friends. Well it isn't.

"You've told him haven't you," Brendon screams, I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to keep myself calm, I've already told you how Brendons simple change in tone can scare the hell out of me. If I don't find away to overcome the fear of it, then I'll never be able to stand up to Brendon and keep myself safe.

"No Brendon, I promised you that I would never tell anybody," I lie, terribly may I add. Lying again! Its as if I can hear his eyes rolling and his jaw becoming clenched. Am I ever going to tell the truth, or is it going to be constant rubbish pouring from my mouth. But I suppose I had to lie to Brendon, if I didn't then Jon could get hurt and I well, I have a pretty good chance of being killed. I seem a tad over dramatic but seriously there's no stopping Brendon or predicting what he's going to do next.

"Let me talk to Jon," he hisses, okay what the hell am I supposed to do, should I allow Brendon to talk to him. I mean at least then Jon can explain why I'm at his house maybe then Jon will get the blame not me. I am not trying to drag Jon into this but I don't want to get an beating for no reason. Like I keep saying, Jon doesn't know this but he keeps hurting me without even realizing it.

"Brendon he doesn't know I'm on the phone," I say truthfully, what's the point in lying again, he's only going to find out one day that most of our relationship has been based on hurtful lies.Maybe, he might have an once of guilt in him for practically dumping me on Jon like this. He seemed ecstatic at the thought of not having to look at me for a long period of time, that's why he was being ridiculously nice to me.

I actually believed he loved me, some part of me is obviously idiotic enough to fall for Brendon's facade. Whereas the rest of me is more determined to loathe Brendon and to find someway of breaking through the heartache and pain to show Brendon that he can't control me anymore. But it just so happens to be that the timid, weak and worthless part of me seems to always take over and be stronger than the part dying to becoming free.

"This is typical Ryan, you can't even behave when your out of the house. You must find this ever so amusing that Jon wont punish you, but don't worry the punishment will be waiting for you when you get home. I'm not stupid Ryan, I know your using Jon to save your pathetic ass," Brendon explains darkly, I just hold the phone close to me ear, letting the colour and life drain painfully slow from me. My throat seems to close in again and become blocked with fear as I try to force out shaking breaths.

"Brendon please don't be like this, I'm ringing you because I want to go home, do you really think that I want to stay with Jon just so I can be away from you and your punishments," I hiss at him, he comes the confident part of me what is willing to risk anything to stop Brendon from being the sick, twisted person he is.

"Yes Ryan I do, I know what you do when your scared you hide from me, the wardrobe is one of your favorite places I believe," he tells me, I drop the phone not caring as it falls to the soft beige carpet, without a sound. I thought I was safe in the wardrobe, it was comforting and kept me sane. Once I was in there none of my problems existed, Brendon did not know where I was and I could just sit and think, the world around me calm and controlled. But after all this time he knew where I was, he could have ripped open the door and dragged me out of my tranquil harmony. But he never did, all this time he has slyly left me believing that he was never going to hurt me when I was in the beloved wardrobe.

Brendon's screaming now, even though the phone is carelessly on the floor, I can still hear him raging due to my silence. He's waiting for me to beg for his forgiveness and try to crawl back to his good side. Before I heave the contents of my stomach up, I pick up the phone hanging up on Brendon and slamming it down onto the table, feeling queasy and disorientated from the heartbeat audible in my ears and the pain tearing through my chest.

I manage to control my trembling legs, as I shift my fragile bones to the couch near me. Dropping onto it, I sigh deeply when my back hits the comforting cushions. Leaning back, my breathing becomes calm when the softness sooths my aching body. I'm trying to relax, put the viscous sound of Brendons voice out of my head and try to concentrate on the good times I'm going to experience whilst being a member of Jon's household.

"Ryan, what's wrong," I hear someone ask me, they sound concerned but mostly it came out as a mumble in between the banging in my head, I have either fallen asleep and been rudely awoken or I have completely lost myself and the images and words in my head are controlling me. I don't really want to know what the reason is I just want to know who's talking to me.

"He looks kind of pale, maybe he's ill," another voice says, groaning I try to sit up, but I feel so weak and worthless, my head drops back against the couch and I start to feel sorry for myself. Someone sits beside me there warm hand finds mine and clings onto it. I don't want to open my heavy lids because I don't want to see the look on Jon and Dylan's face as they watch me being pathetic and useless.

"Jon promise me you wont let me go back to Brendon," I ask him seriously, I know I can't stay with him forever but I don't want to go back to Brendon any time soon. I want to go home but I don't. I'm confused and scared, seriously I don't know what I want anymore. But right now I would rather stay away from Brendon and his punishment, even if part of me just wants to see his beautiful face.

"I promise Ryan, but what's brought all this on. I mean according to you I kidnapped you!" Jon laughs, I feel my cheeks burning red as I shove my head further into the couch to hide my childish embarrassment. Okay maybe I over reacted in the car, but Brendons kindness seems to hit me like a bullet in my chest and Jon was taking me away from the Brendon I feel in love with. But it doesn't matter anymore Brendon is just like always again, my happiness has already been killed.

"I've just been thinking," I lie quietly.

No, actually I just rang up my boyfriend behind your back and he scared the hell out of me...

"Its okay Ryan, we are going to look after you," Jon says in his calm, gentle voice but that just hurts more. I hate this I want to be with him because he is such a nice person and he's keeping me away from Brendon but then again I want to go back to Brendon because I can't stand looking at Jon and Dylan together.

Why is life so unfair! Great, now I'm being pessimistic and depressing, could I be feeling any worse?

"Thanks Jon," I mumble, I can't look at him anymore, I'm using him, he is like a comfort blanket to me and I never want to let go. Never. Sure I'm scared but my feelings for Brendon are destroying me, ripping away at my flesh, attacking my organs, picking my personality to pieces. The huge hole in my heart seems to never stop growing, it stings, aches, hurts.

Maybe its just me. What's all I know is that I have to chose over my boyfriend and Jon and its defiantly not easy. I just wish somebody would give me all the answers and make my broken life a little easier. Is that to much to ask for?