Loving You Is Harder Than You Know

Ryan's P.O.V

"Remind me why we are doing this again," I tell Jon sternly, whilst wiping the flour from my shirt and hands. Jon just seems to be in his own little world as he continues to pull the cake and buns we had made earlier from the oven.

"I like baking and you looked upset, so I thought this might cheer you up,"Jon smiles, I force one back even though I am definitely not in the mood to be acting all content with Jon. I mean baking, how old does he think I am. Ten? But Jon seemed to like it, I suppose it took my mind off Brendon for a few hours, but I didn't help containing my growing feelings for Jon. I turn away from him, lamely cleaning the kitchen counter.

"Thanks again Jon," I mumble, I can feel his stare burning through me, as I try to force down the lump in my throat. Jon must think I'm unaware of his random lectures or talks, but I know exactly what he does when he's about to catch me by surprise. Everything goes quiet and he'll smile at me, but to me his smiles are worth a thousand words. His first words are always sharp, witty and confident. The smile is to make me melt, and set off those highly irritating butterflies in the pit of my stomach. Then whilst I'm in my silly, happy place trying to control myself from drooling, Jon will set off on one of his rants, demanding my opinion, thought and feeling on everything.

"You know you may have fooled Dylan but not me. I know you too well," Jon informs me, the scrubbing of the kitchen counter becomes harder as I put all my emotions into it. I'm trying to hold myself together, focus on cleaning the already immaculate counter with my full attention.

"I don't know what you are talking about," I lie, but as soon as the words leave my lips I feel the blood rushing to my cheeks. What is with him! He has a fiancee, he's happy, in love, he has a good life. So why oh why does he feel the need to meddle into mine, when I will just hurt him eventually and its not as if he is going to make the slightest improvement. He is wasting his precious time, when is he going to realize that and put a stop to his constant questions and accusations.

"Ryan, something obviously changed your mind on Brendon and I doubt just thinking about it made you want to stay away from that monster," Jon explains, I wince when he says monster, I thought about Brendon being a monster but it really does sting when someone tells you face to face that he is, as harsh as it sounds.

"I don't want to talk about it," I snap, without thinking. My cleaning comes to a stop as I dig my fingers into the cloth I was using, as I feel my spare hand curl into a tight, unwanted fist. He obviously finds minding his own business difficult.

"Here we go again with the stubbornness," Jon sighs, I ignore him and move onto the next counter to wipe away the sticky remains of the cake mixture. Jon grabs my hand before I can start scrubbing again, a scowl floods across my face when he pulls me close to him. I don't know whether I am scowling at Jon because he trying his damn hardest to get the truth out of me or myself for enjoying Jon's hands in mine.

"I rang Brendon, okay," I say darkly, Jon immediately lets go of my hand as it drop loosely to my side. His breathing is deep and heavy as he runs is hand through his messy locks.

"I can't believe you Ryan, sneaking behind my back like that. I was so wrong about you, obliviously you must enjoy being in pain and being treat like a slave to him. What's it you like the most, him shouting at you, beating you, raping you," Jon shouts at me, this is a whole new side of Jon and I defiantly don't like it. I can see the redness creeping into his normal pale completion and anger creeping into his dark eyes.

"Like you care about how Brendon treats me..."

"Oh is that what you think! I should have left you to cry all alone at that party. Then I would have never had to kill myself over looking after you and worrying constantly about what he's doing to you. What the hell is wrong with you, Brendon is not the only person on this planet, he's not as perfect as you think he is. When are you going to realize that Brendon is not the only person who cares about you," Jon screams at me, he's furious but I can tell that underneath all the rage he must be hurting so badly.

Maybe Brendon isn't that monster after all, maybe all along its been me.

"I have to stand up for Brendon, he's my boyfriend I love him. When are you going to realize that he actually means something to me," I shout back, that's it Ryan just let the dark side of you come out, if not Jons going to reduce you to tears, why should I let yet another person hurt me. I don't think another hole in my heart would make me feel any better, then I would have two constant wounds to deal with.

"Ryan listen to yourself, what's got into you. What's happened to the kind, gentle boy I first met," Jon asks, this time he seems a little calmer and the redness has started to fade from his cheeks.

"I'm not a child Jon, stop treating me like one," I hiss at him, I hate, hate, hate arguments and this one is blowing up right in my face.

"Why are you being so cruel Ryan, what have I done to you," Jon says quietly, he's in pain now, his eyes are softer, glazed over with what looks like tears forming.

"You have made me like you," I admit, well force myself to say. It hits me like whiplash though when I realize what I just said even though I have Brendon.

"I don't understand."

"Jon I have feelings for you, I can't stop myself from thinking what life would be like if I had you. That's why I'm acting like this because I have Brendon and your so nice to me and that doesn't help the way I feel about you. You have Dylan and you will never know how much it hurts seeing you with him. I would do anything to be Dylan right now," I explain to him, I can't bring myself to look into his beautiful eyes, just the sound of him gasping is enough to increase my tender heartbeat. He could kick me out of his house, what if he tells Dylan, then he would really regret being so nice towards me before.

I can't stop myself though, I close the gap between us, by forcing my lips into his. Its eager and needy, I could already feel my heartbeat increasing dramatically as soon as his warm lips were on mine. It didn't last long because I was too scared to turn it into something passionate. As soon as I pull away my cheeks are on fire and I feel utterly ashamed of myself.

I turn away and start to run, I don't now where I'm going or what I'm going to do but I do know that I just kissed Jon and it was like something I have never experienced before. It was magic, breath taking but that still doesn't make me feel any better. Brendon accused me of cheating once before, but I would never have thought that I actually would.