Loving You Is Harder Than You Know

Brendon's P.O.V

I know that people hate me, loathe me, detest me. I'm pretty sure that every word used to describe who I am would be negative, some what cruel, but I guess I only have myself to blame. Obviously I wasn't always like this, I don't get pleasure from acting badly towards people, every time I hurt Ryan another tear rips into my heart. Well what's left of it. I guess I'm scared of going back to who I used to be, what if I can't adjust to being a good, well rounded person. I can't even look in the mirror anymore, the old Brendon looks back at me with desperate pleading eyes. I ignore it of course and try to remove the mental image of the person I used to be from my head.

When Ryan left to today, it hurt if I'm perfectly honest. I'm so used to him being in the house all the time, whether its him sat in his bedroom staring out of his window or in the living room huddled over a book. He just seemed so happy with Jon, maybe a little eager to leave me all of a sudden. But when he actually left, he looked into my eyes and seemed to want to be with me for once, it was if I could feel the love radiating from him. But I let him go, to begin with I thought it was because I couldn't stand him anymore, but now I think about it, maybe it could be because I am failing at making him happy and I know Jon would succeed at that.

I've never met anyone just like Ryan before, he made me happy something that I hadn't being very good at. Don't get me wrong I wasn't depressed or hated my life, I guess I was just a little lonely. But then Ryan came along and I couldn't wish for a boyfriend any more perfect. When we were together, I never stopped smiling, I loved that he was so honest, caring, loving, the list could go on and on. But then on that day when I came home to find him with William I just cracked. It felt like he had sent soaring bullets plunging into my chest, and blown my heart into tiny pieces. I thought he loved me, I was suppose to be that person who he cared about and never wanted to loose. That's when I realized that having Ryan, as my Ryan would be difficult and I had to do something dramatic if I wanted him as mine forever.

I knew that if I made him afraid of me, then he would be too scared to leave me. Yes I know that's sick, but at least I know that Ryan will always be my boyfriend and I'll never feel my heart being destroyed again, or feel so betrayed by the one I love. To begin with I thought just hitting him every now and then would teach him a lesson, but the power of being in control of him must have go to my twisted head. I beat him on a regular basis, wont let him leave the house, make him sleep in his own room and I can't force myself to say the next horrifying thing I do to him. Nobody knows this but every time I have forced Ryan to have sex with me I throw up. As soon as Ryan has cried himself to sleep I pull the blankets over him and then dash to the toilet to be sick. I'm a monster to do such things to him, but I don't want to go back to the life I used to have, without him. That's why I be sick, the guilt flows through my veins reaching every part of my body, setting off the odd tear because I feel disgusted with myself, and I fear I will never change.

I just want Ryan so much, is that so hard to understand.

After the party I threw I knew that I had hurt Ryan, but this time mentally. I humiliated him in front of people he may have classed as friends and shattered the tiny ounce of confidence he barely possessed. My friends think me and Ryan are the cutest couple ever imaginable, they don't know what happens when the doors close and the screaming begins. I think over and over again, what if my friends knew about this, they would take me down for sure. I wouldn't blame them. Spencer knows, he thinks it's acceptable, he finds it amusing. I think Spencer could be sicker than me, darker. But nobody would believe me if I told them anyway, like knowing that Spencer is a heartless bastard is going to help.

Sometimes I can't stand being alone at night, I feel so tiny in the huge bed, the quilt seems to suffocate me, my head sinks further into the pillow and I can never forget the sickening nightmares. There always the same, I wake up in a sticky hot sweat with my hair plastered to my face. I get this horrible feeling churning in my stomach and then sleep is impossible after that. My dreams are always based on Ryan, he's screaming, every time I go near him he runs away cowering in corners, begging me to stay away from him. Sure that hurts, its always the same painful expression on his face and fear in his eyes. But its always what happens next what wakes me up at an instant, sets of the hot sweat and fierce thumping heart.

Ryan falls down the stairs again, but this time he doesn't get up.

I just stand and watch as he goes tumbling to his death. But my feet are glued to the floor, I can't move, speak, only stare in horror. I can always hear his screaming and whimpering flooding into my eardrums. I try to shout his name, anything, but no sound comes out, its as if he doesn't even know I'm there. What's all I can see is crimson blood surrounding his fragile, pale body. I just want to hold him, cradle him in my arms and whisper soft words of comfort in his ears, but its impossible. I just stand and watch Ryan dying and do nothing to stop it. That's when the tears start to cascade down my cheeks, that's why everything seems so real, its as if I can feel my heart ripping into two, but ever so slowly so the pain is unbearable.

Buts its the cruel part what happens next.

When its pretty obvious that Ryan is dead my feet become free and I can move again. But its too late, there is noting I can do and I turn to holding his limp body in my arms and sobbing into his chest. I wipe his soft brown locks from his closed eyes and sob harder at his angelic face. I want to shake him frantically, pound life into him but I don't want to hurt him even if he can't feel it. That's when I wake up, sometimes crying if the horrific image of Ryan is too sick to even think about. My dreams about Ryan were bad in the past, but ever since he fell down the stairs spying on me, the fear of losing him has get worse, a lot worse.

That's why at night time I sneak into his bed with him, I pull him towards me wrapping my arms around his skinny frame and falling asleep again. I'm surprised Ryan doesn't wake up and notice, he just sleeps peacefully in my arms. Most of the time I just watch the gentle rise and fall of his chest and feel even more disgusted with myself. He always looks so innocent. If Ryan knew I slept in the same bed with him, he probably would be mortified, feel sick to his stomach that I gently touched him with my fingertips. I know I should gain the courage to ask him to sleep with me again, but if he turned me down, I think I would fall to pieces. I would be like a zombie, living but might as well be dead.

So I have decided on something. I'm going to make the hugest effort on loving Ryan properly again, I'm going to destroy the monster I have become. But if that doesn't work then I'm going to let Ryan leave me, I'm pretty certain that he would dive at the chance to be in Jon's arms not mine.

I'm just praying to god that Ryan gives me a second chance...