Loving You Is Harder Than You Know
Chapter Fifteen
Ryan's P.O.V
Ryan you just kissed Jon and your running away! What's wrong with you, stop being such a coward and face the consequence. Sure your face is horribly flustered, your skin heated and your breathing uneasy but Jon isn't going to care. You can do this, your not about to receive a beating from Brendon, your just going to talk to Jon, the gentle, kind guy who's keeping you alive right now. Okay maybe an over exaggeration but at least he is making you happy, so just talk to him what harm can that do.
I actually never left the house, just hid myself away beneath his couch with my knee's pulled tight to my pounding chest. I'm shaking now, the jolts rattling my fragile bones and too skinny frame. I manage to get up with support from the couch and drag myself tentatively to the kitchen door, my wide, fearful eyes can already see Jon sat at the kitchen table with his head dropped low. Slowly I walk into the kitchen wincing when my bare feet hit the cool, kitchen tiles. Standing behind him I place a trembling hand on his shoulder, he stiffness up in seconds. My heart beat rapidly increases when he turns to look at me without the huge grin what used to compliment his cheeks.
"Jon I'm sorry, I never meant to kiss you, it meant nothing and I..."
"I don't want to hear your apologies Ryan," Jon mutters bitterly, he turns away from me probably too disgusted to glare at my face creased with worry. I don't know what to say, he must be stricken with guilt from not pushing me away when my hungry lips attacked his without hesitation. He has a fiancee this can't be easy for him and I'm not implying that kissing another boy behind Brendon's back is a simple task to accomplish either.
"Do you know what you have done, what the hell were you thinking!"
"Jon let me explain, I just was a spur of the moment thing, I had just admitted I liked you and I was still so full of hurt and anger. It should have never happened, I'm sorry for experimenting my feelings on you," I admit, my cheeks are now a vivid red, it feels like my cheeks are being lit alight and there catching fire rapidly. Jon sighs deeply a unapproved groan leaves his lips as he turns to look at me again, this time with a complete different look on his chalky face. He looks hurt, something I can't really understand.
"So you used me, I'm just like a one night stand to you," he asks sternly, his words are sharp but I can feel the pain behind them, each word picks at my bleeding heart. His words catch me off guard, I was expecting him to rage at me furiously. But he is just disappointed that I kissed him and don't want to involve him in a secret affair. Where is the real Jon, cause I know Jon would never act this way, its worrying.
"Jon you more upset about me using you than the thought of your fiance finding out you kissed another boy," I question him seriously. I pull the chair out so I can sit beside him but he shoves the chair back under the table, obviously not wanting me to sit near him.
"I hate you Ryan."
"Jon please don't be like this, I seriously need you, just pretend it never happened," I plead with him, I can feel the salty tears pricking at my eyes and my heart breaking, splitting into two pieces, one half for Jon the other Brendon.
"How could you make me question the happy life I have, to throw it away to be a part of your miserable one,"Jon mutters, he shakes his head and starts to drum his fingers on the kitchen table. It's as if he is talking to himself, trying to win the battle against his own thoughts.
"I don't understand."
"Ryan is it not obvious, I like you, there I said it! When I met you at the party I just wanted to hold you so much and when I found out Brendon hurts you I wanted to make him hurt just like you did. I'm confused Ryan, I love Dylan but I can't just leave you behind," Jon explains his eyes are locked with mine, I feel even more uncomfortable now.
"Kiss me Jon," I let the words out quickly, I know its wrong but I can't stop myself. Jon stands up at an instant, throwing himself at me. Immediately, the butterflies attack my insides, taking my heavy breath with them. His lips are soft and gentle but this kiss is passionate and needed. His hands are all over me, I feel stupid though he seems to be doing all the work.
So what do I do, push him backwards onto the table and crawl on top of him ever so seductively. I'm defiantly not used to this, but lust seems to be taking over every part of me, flowing through my veins, covering my organs, controlling my brain. His lips never leave mine, even though we are both desperate for air. Jon seems to be in control of me, but for once I actually like it. The feeling of his tongue prodding at my trembling lips and his hands touching me gently is defiantly turning me on.
His hands reach out to remove the t shirt tight against my flat stomach but I squirm away from his touch and feel the butterflies slowly die in my stomach. Jon takes his hand off me and my breathing gradually gets back to its normal, slow pace. Jon can't look at me, behind these clothes are memories, scars each telling their own unique story of pain. I'm awfully insecure and after the way Brendon has touched my naked skin I can't stand anyone looking at or touching me.
"Jon I can't do this," I mumble quietly, I wrap my arms around me for comfort and chew nervously on the bottom of my lip. I feel like such a fool, I'm getting what I want but something still doesn't feel right.
Maybe its because your cheating on your boyfriend and you know what he did to you last
time.
"Its okay Ryan I understand," Jon tells me, his tone melts my heart, I feel the warmth spreading through me reaching the very tips of my fingers and toes. Jon stands up, running his fingers through his messy hair and trying to straighten out his shirt, the buttons seem to be calling to me as if they want to be ripped open, revealing Jon's beautiful pale, chest. He starts to walk away, my heart sinks and that's when I realize what I want. Not Brendon, just Jon and I can have him right now.
"Don't leave me..."
"I'll race you to the bedroom," he smirks before giving me a cheeky wink and dashing off up the staircase. I watch in bewilderment before catching on what he was intending. I don't even think about it, I put the insecurities and the thought of Brendon finding out behind me and sprint over to the staircase.
I really want this, well need it but a part of me can't stop imagining Brendons's huge, hurt eyes if he found out...
Ryan you just kissed Jon and your running away! What's wrong with you, stop being such a coward and face the consequence. Sure your face is horribly flustered, your skin heated and your breathing uneasy but Jon isn't going to care. You can do this, your not about to receive a beating from Brendon, your just going to talk to Jon, the gentle, kind guy who's keeping you alive right now. Okay maybe an over exaggeration but at least he is making you happy, so just talk to him what harm can that do.
I actually never left the house, just hid myself away beneath his couch with my knee's pulled tight to my pounding chest. I'm shaking now, the jolts rattling my fragile bones and too skinny frame. I manage to get up with support from the couch and drag myself tentatively to the kitchen door, my wide, fearful eyes can already see Jon sat at the kitchen table with his head dropped low. Slowly I walk into the kitchen wincing when my bare feet hit the cool, kitchen tiles. Standing behind him I place a trembling hand on his shoulder, he stiffness up in seconds. My heart beat rapidly increases when he turns to look at me without the huge grin what used to compliment his cheeks.
"Jon I'm sorry, I never meant to kiss you, it meant nothing and I..."
"I don't want to hear your apologies Ryan," Jon mutters bitterly, he turns away from me probably too disgusted to glare at my face creased with worry. I don't know what to say, he must be stricken with guilt from not pushing me away when my hungry lips attacked his without hesitation. He has a fiancee this can't be easy for him and I'm not implying that kissing another boy behind Brendon's back is a simple task to accomplish either.
"Do you know what you have done, what the hell were you thinking!"
"Jon let me explain, I just was a spur of the moment thing, I had just admitted I liked you and I was still so full of hurt and anger. It should have never happened, I'm sorry for experimenting my feelings on you," I admit, my cheeks are now a vivid red, it feels like my cheeks are being lit alight and there catching fire rapidly. Jon sighs deeply a unapproved groan leaves his lips as he turns to look at me again, this time with a complete different look on his chalky face. He looks hurt, something I can't really understand.
"So you used me, I'm just like a one night stand to you," he asks sternly, his words are sharp but I can feel the pain behind them, each word picks at my bleeding heart. His words catch me off guard, I was expecting him to rage at me furiously. But he is just disappointed that I kissed him and don't want to involve him in a secret affair. Where is the real Jon, cause I know Jon would never act this way, its worrying.
"Jon you more upset about me using you than the thought of your fiance finding out you kissed another boy," I question him seriously. I pull the chair out so I can sit beside him but he shoves the chair back under the table, obviously not wanting me to sit near him.
"I hate you Ryan."
"Jon please don't be like this, I seriously need you, just pretend it never happened," I plead with him, I can feel the salty tears pricking at my eyes and my heart breaking, splitting into two pieces, one half for Jon the other Brendon.
"How could you make me question the happy life I have, to throw it away to be a part of your miserable one,"Jon mutters, he shakes his head and starts to drum his fingers on the kitchen table. It's as if he is talking to himself, trying to win the battle against his own thoughts.
"I don't understand."
"Ryan is it not obvious, I like you, there I said it! When I met you at the party I just wanted to hold you so much and when I found out Brendon hurts you I wanted to make him hurt just like you did. I'm confused Ryan, I love Dylan but I can't just leave you behind," Jon explains his eyes are locked with mine, I feel even more uncomfortable now.
"Kiss me Jon," I let the words out quickly, I know its wrong but I can't stop myself. Jon stands up at an instant, throwing himself at me. Immediately, the butterflies attack my insides, taking my heavy breath with them. His lips are soft and gentle but this kiss is passionate and needed. His hands are all over me, I feel stupid though he seems to be doing all the work.
So what do I do, push him backwards onto the table and crawl on top of him ever so seductively. I'm defiantly not used to this, but lust seems to be taking over every part of me, flowing through my veins, covering my organs, controlling my brain. His lips never leave mine, even though we are both desperate for air. Jon seems to be in control of me, but for once I actually like it. The feeling of his tongue prodding at my trembling lips and his hands touching me gently is defiantly turning me on.
His hands reach out to remove the t shirt tight against my flat stomach but I squirm away from his touch and feel the butterflies slowly die in my stomach. Jon takes his hand off me and my breathing gradually gets back to its normal, slow pace. Jon can't look at me, behind these clothes are memories, scars each telling their own unique story of pain. I'm awfully insecure and after the way Brendon has touched my naked skin I can't stand anyone looking at or touching me.
"Jon I can't do this," I mumble quietly, I wrap my arms around me for comfort and chew nervously on the bottom of my lip. I feel like such a fool, I'm getting what I want but something still doesn't feel right.
Maybe its because your cheating on your boyfriend and you know what he did to you last
time.
"Its okay Ryan I understand," Jon tells me, his tone melts my heart, I feel the warmth spreading through me reaching the very tips of my fingers and toes. Jon stands up, running his fingers through his messy hair and trying to straighten out his shirt, the buttons seem to be calling to me as if they want to be ripped open, revealing Jon's beautiful pale, chest. He starts to walk away, my heart sinks and that's when I realize what I want. Not Brendon, just Jon and I can have him right now.
"Don't leave me..."
"I'll race you to the bedroom," he smirks before giving me a cheeky wink and dashing off up the staircase. I watch in bewilderment before catching on what he was intending. I don't even think about it, I put the insecurities and the thought of Brendon finding out behind me and sprint over to the staircase.
I really want this, well need it but a part of me can't stop imagining Brendons's huge, hurt eyes if he found out...