Loving You Is Harder Than You Know

Ryan's P.O.V

Jon left me. Wrapped up in the sheets covering my naked, imperfect body, the thick layer of sweat sill glistening over my heated skin. I fee insecure now as if the scars and imperfections are a hundred times worse. Consciously I pull the blanket closer to me, desperate to be covered in clothes. The darkness hides away the tears trickling down my flustered cheeks, I feel so small, the hatred towards myself is bigger than me in so many ways. How could I do this to Brendon, such an intimate experience will another boy is obviously cheating on him, but this wasn't a kiss, a drunken fumble, it was sex and I knew fully well what I was getting myself into.

Everything felt so perfect, having sex with Jon was magical, for once tears weren't streaming down my cheeks as I'm screamed in pain from what Brendon was doing to me. When we had finished Jon had pulled me close to him, letting my trail my fingers over his bare, beautiful chest. He went to kiss me and then we heard the door being swung open downstairs, Dylan was home and I was in bed with his boyfriend. I've never see Jon look so afraid before, his eyes were so wide and I swear he was shaking. He must really love Dylan, I was just the mistake, something he would regret for the rest of his life. If you couldn't already guess it hurts to be me right now and I can only blame myself for the pain ripping through my chest.

I hide under the quilt drawing my eyes away from what hid behind it, why do I want to look at myself, I can't bare seeing my cheated skin. I run my fingers over my arms, legs, chest and it feels so wrong, Brendon will easily tell that other hands have devoured this skin. Its hot and uncomfortable under here, and I can't stop myself from fidgeting, every time I move another image of Brendon flashes into my head, that intimating smirk burning through me. I have to do something, I can't lay here like nothing has happened. Even if hiding away would stop me from having to face Jon and more importantly Brendon.

I reluctantly bring myself out of the quilt, instantly trying to cover myself even though I'm alone in the dull room. Did I mention how bad it smells in here, its really getting to me now, I already feel vile but now I just feel plain sick. I pull on the clothes I had so carelessly let Jon rip off, and quickly pull them on. The burning sensation over my skin seems to cool a little, when I'm covered up its if part of the secret is buried beneath the t shirt clinging onto my flat stomach. I know Jon and Dylan are downstairs, Jon will be letting him touch him, kiss him, love him. I wont even come into his thoughts, I must be the biggest joke to him.

When I reach the bottom of the stairs, my heart feels like it wants to give up on me, maybe that would be a good thing right? If I'm dead I wont have to break Brendon's heart and feel so fucking used right now. I can see them, my red, sore eyes viewing them snuggled on the couch in their own perfect little world, what I will never be part of. I have to confront them, lies just cause pain and trouble what I defiantly don't need, or can deal with. Dylan smiles at me at an instant but Jon wont even look at me, that proves how much of a so called perfect person he is.

"Hey Ryan, are you okay," Dylan asks me, I just stare at him for a few moments, debating on what to say. Should I just explode, every single secret flowing out of my lips. Or pretend nothing happened and live with the guy I had sex with behind my boyfriends back. Either way some pain will be involved but Id rather not keep this locked up in my chest.

"Fine," I say sourly, Jon looks up at me, his eyes seem to be pleading at me, as if he wants to hide away what he's done. How can he base his relationship on lies, he's not like that and I wont let him keep this regret with him for the rest of his life.

"Dylan I have something to tell you," I say to him, the words come out so fast I can't believe I spoke them. I don't know how I'm going to explain, I mean I don't really have an excuse. Planning what I'm going to say is stupid, I'll just have to tell him straight. Break his heart, crush it between my fingers. Wont that be fun, I wont be innocent, abused Ryan anymore. I'll be a cheat, a whore.

"Ryan can I talk to you for a minute," Jon says quickly, panicked. He is already stood up, I'm pretty sure he is going to grab my arm and drag me into the kitchen. But why should I let him control me I've let Brendon do that for long enough. I know Jon is probably thinking his relationship is over, but I'll explain that I was to blame, I'm not going to screw up Jon's life too, that's sick and wrong.

"I'm trying to talk to Dylan," I snap, Jon is just making this harder, I could have had this over and done with right now but the hurt and fear is just gradually getting worse. I'm not worried about Dylan attacking me, or what Brendon will do to me. I'm worried about Jon and how my stupid as you could put it, one night stand, is going to do to him.

"Ryan don't do this," Jon says seriously, those eyes are so tempting if I stare into them too long, I'll crack and Jon will get want he wants. His happy life, loved up boyfriend and life will go out life nothing has happened. I can't do that, its wrong and why should I let Jon get everything he wants and leave me with nothing. That's unfair both of us to have sex and it was Jon's idea, he can't only blame me for what happend. Screw blaming myself, it takes two to tango.

"Dylan me and Jon we..."

"Get out!" Jon shouts, well more like screams. It feels like he's stabbed me right in the heart as he stands and watches me bleed to death. Its as if I can see the venom glistening over his lips, his once beautiful eyes dark and wild. His sudden outburst takes me back, blowing my confidence away with it, shouting has never gone down well with me, you know that. For once I'm scared of the guy stood in front of me he's defiantly not the person I met when I was sat in my room crying like most days.

"Jon don't be like this," I say quietly, I have to lean against the couch again due to my stick thin legs what find it difficult to hold me up. My head's spinning down, the confusion and hurt making me uncomfortable. Jon doesn't seem to be concerned when I grip onto the couch to stop myself from falling over as the colour leaks from me.

"Get. Out. Now." he rages at me, but then he does it he raises his hand, as if he was going to hit me. I repeat as if he was going to hit me, does he know how much that tortures me. I back away afraid, petrified that he was going to connect his fist with my deathly pale cheek.

"Jon calm down, what's going on," Dylan commands, I see that he has a tight, firm grasp on Jon's arm as he glares at the both of us, with eyes mixed with curiosity and hatred. I start to back away from him, trying to steady my uneven breathing and thumping chest. I'm hoping to feel my back hitting the comfort of the door, my escape, my freedom.

"Ryan I never meant to..."

"Just stay away from me, please stay away" I mutter, I open the door and quickly step outside, the wind ripping through me is a good thing. The door slams behind me and I quickly dash down the path and onto the bare, empty street. I thought maybe Jon would follow me, beg for his forgiveness and hold me in his arms again. But no I'm just stood on the street, hopeless, weak and scared of what is going to happen next.

This can mean only one thing, I'm going to have to go back to Brendon.