Loving You Is Harder Than You Know

Ryan's P.O.V

It took longer than expected to get home, every time I dragged my feet across the pavement my heart beat a little faster. Every step meant I was closer to Brendon, closer to a beating. I thought about running away, starting life again on my own, but Brendon would find me and then I don't what to think about what would happen after that. You could say a tiny part of me is happy to go back to Brendon, but that part means nothing to me once the pain, troubles and heartache has piled on top of it.

When I reach our house I start to feel the beads of moisture dampening my forehead and my palms grow sticky. I swallowed the lump in my throat before forcing myself to knock on the door, I reached out with my trembling fingers and knocked quietly, almost silently. I don't know whether to fold my arms, bury my head into my arms, rock back and forth on my feet... I turn to standing completely still, my arms straight by my side, my eyes staring blankly ahead at the door ready to open to reveal the dead eyes of the boy who once stole my heart sending me into a world of love and contentment.

The door is swung open and instant a long pair of arms are thrown around me enthusiastically.

"Oh Ryan, I have missed you so much," Brendon says to my surprise, his hug is so comforting, warm, nice. I can't help but hug back with as much love and enthusiasm. But then it hit me, a happy Brendon doesn't come around much, why should I bring the devil inside of him back out again when I only just got him back. I seriously can't tell him about Jon right now, I'll have to keep my mouth shut and let the guilt slowly eat away at me during the process.

"I haven't been gone that long Bren," I laugh, he pulls me into the house for once I don't mind that he has such a tight grip onto me. His hand fit perfectly in mine, our fingers locked. We walk into the living room heading over to the couch, okay everything looks tidy for once, it doesn't feel like home, I mean the empty pizza boxes and video games tend to get easy to live around after a while. I go to sit down beside him but he pulls me onto his lap, I let my head drop onto his chest and my arms make their way around him.

"Did I ever tell you how cute you are," Brendon smiles, I just shrug my shoulders, pink starts to fluster my cheeks. I've always go embarrassed when Brendon has used words such as cute or adorable to describe me. I mean a puppy is cute not a 23 year old man. Sometimes I feel like I'm just there on show to make Brendon look good, to be the boy who everyone coos at. It's slightly annoying to be honest, but I don't know how I would react if he was to call me hot or something like that.

"Bren I think I'm going to go to bed," I tell him, well more like mumble, sleeping is just my escape plan, I can't stand this. Brendon is being strangely nice, its so out of his character and something just doesn't feel right.

"But you only just got back Ry and I want to spend some time with you," he whines, I cling onto his tee shirt harder when he said that, my fingers gripping the soft fabric. More love, more hurt. I'm sat on his knee letting him act like the perfect boyfriend after everything I have done. It's not right, every compliment, touch of my skin, anything tugs harder and harder at my heartstrings, I'm pretty sure they are going to snap.

"Please Brendon," I ask, well more like command, but I used the cute thing to my advantage and started to rub my eyes and bat my eyelashes. I felt even more sick when he presses is lips against my forehead, the kiss burning through my skin.

"If your sleepy you go to bed, I'll come with you if you like," Brendon coos, the smile on his face is just so heart melting that I just crack. I can't push him away anymore, I don't have the energy to break his heart because I can't stand myself. I mean he could have said tired, but no he had to act all childish and say sleepy. Maybe the bitterness in my heart is making me detest Brendon right now.

"Okay Bren," I mumble, I stand up happy to me out of his arms, for some strange reason his skin seems to irritate me. Brendon is immediately at my side, he tries to reach for my hand but I Instantly fold my arms across my chest to his dismay. When I reach the top of the stairs I scan my eyes up and down deciding which door to take. My bedroom or his. I've never been comfortable in Brendons's bed, every time I have woke up in it was because Brendon had raped me the night before.

I decide to use my own bedroom, Brendon doesn't protest he just carries on walking behind me I guess I've dampened his happiness from refusing to hold his hand. My room is exactly the same as I left it, the bed is neatly made, my books stacked on a shelf, my notebook and pen on the desk. Sitting down on the bed I sigh gently to myself, I look up to see Brendon staring intensely at me with the same silly smile plastered across his lips.

I start to take of my shirt I don't care that Brendon is watching me I tend to pretend he's not there. Oh and I guess I want those constantly changing eyes of his to see what he's put me through. Yes I'm talking about the scars, bruises, you could say grotesque memories covering me. I continue to pull of the top but the next thing I know Brendon is by my side helping me. I stop struggling and allow him to slip it over my head. He just stands and stares, the worry clouding his eyes is painful to watch, do I really look that bad?

"Did I do this to you," he asks as his fingers make there way to my chest, tracing the scars with his cool fingers. I shudder from his touch, squeezing my eyes shut when they trail further down my chest, sensitively skimming the bruises.

"Oh Ryan you look horrible," Brendon tells me, he looks absolutely mortified, I can't believe he is doing this, examining me like I'm not even there. It felt awful being sat there so exposed, being topless in front of your boyfriend shouldn't feel this bad, body insecurities or not.

"Thanks."

"I'm sorry Ry, I just can't believe what I've done to you," I start to pull the covers back and crawl underneath them, Brendon tries to get in beside me, but I turn to face the wall, guilt and pain stabbing at my heart. I can feel Brendon starting to mess with my hair, stroking my locks. I draw my knees close to my chest, trying to hide away. Why wont he leave me alone!

"I guess I'm trying too hard, I'll just let you sleep," Brendon says quietly, he leans over kissing the top of my head and then slowly creeps out of the bedroom as if he is trying to let me get to sleep peacefully. Little does he know that I'm not going to ger any sleep at all, when you have a never ending pain in your chest its hard to close your eyes and forget its not there.

"Oh and Ryan I love you."

If only I could say those heartfelt words back, if only...