Loving You Is Harder Than You Know

Brendon's P.O.V

The thought of knowing I broke Ryan's arm again isn't hurting me, the thought of knowing Ryan may leave me forever isn't hurting me, just hearing him sob and pleading for my help is enough to make me choke up. First came the part when I got rather angry and destroyed some of Ryan's most personal possessions because I can't control myself, then came my tears hard and thick, finally came pure shock, panic and guilt. When my monster is unleashed I don't care about who I'm hurting and what part of Ryan's heart I have practically ripped from his chest, but when the monster dies, broken Brendon comes back alive and can still feel his skin crawl from the being he had just been. Ryan brings the monster out of me and the sick part is I don't know why and always feel like Ryan is to blame for why we are both so fucked up.

Just hit me Brendon you know you want to....

I keep hitting the back of my head against the wall, over and over and over again. Maybe I could knock the sneering remarks out of my brain or the guilt what's eating away at my heart. What heart you may ask. I mean when since did Brendon Urie have a heart, he's supposed to be a heartless monster who destroys innocent boys lives. But no I do have a heart what's healing right now because every time the monster comes out it seems to burst from my chest,clawing out chunks of my heart when it becomes free.

"I'm not going to touch you."

"I've heard that one before."

I cringe when I realize I have been lying to Ryan all along, I swore to god that I would never lay a finger of his beautiful, pale skin ever again. Well I did more than touch him, I broke him. I treat him like a rag doll, throwing him around never realizing his arms and legs are not made out of fabric, but skin and bone. Bone that I crushed between my fingers, the scariest part was that is was that easy, bone is hard but not hard enough for me not to destroy.

"Please Bren let me out it hurts so fucking much, I'm begging you..."

I'm so caught up in my thoughts that I forget that Ryan is still my prisoner, captivated in the wardrobe. The banging is still present, whimpering still present, screaming still present. I swallow the ridiculously large lump in my throat and press my ear against the hard, solid wood. Muffles sobs torture my ear drums, its as if I can hear the delicate tears tricking down his flustered cheeks.

"I'm going to get you some help Ry," I try to say calmly but another brutal attack takes me heart by surprise when the crying gets louder, harder, more pained if that's even possible. The weak attempts to bang on the door have come to a sudden stop. His deep, quickened breathing also seems to quiet, as if he's not breathing anymore... The screaming is cut off, like an unexpected power cut leaving you in dreaded darkness.

"Ry, fucking talk to me, stop this right now," I don't want to shout at him, I doubt his heart could take it, the thin stitches holding it together never quite hold it together as one, there is always a weeping gap bleeding never quite working like the rest of it. For once I'm scared, its like as my heart beat gets stronger his gets weaker. Normally if I hurt him he hides away in his room, crying in the corner, wrapped in blankets of his own sorrow and heartache. I have never stayed with him after I've abused him, I've never seen the devastating eyes, the heavy rise and fall of his chest, watched tears cascade down his cheeks.

"I'll be back Ryan, just stay where you are," I tell him quickly, even though there is no chance that he could escape from his wardrobe captivation. I stand up my head spinning, the world around me is misty from the tears clouding my eyes. I don't know what to do, I can't lie to the hospital, I can't help him out of the wardrobe cuddling him in the comfort of my arms, I'm not strong enough to look after him. I'm weak, pathetic, useless.

I make my way downstairs quickly, the mental image of Ryan lade at the bottom makes me feel vile, sick to my stomach. Its as If I can see myself teasing him, holding my hand and letting him fall right before my eyes. It was sick, demented, wrong. I go over to the phone, my hand shaking as I start to hover my fingers over the buttons. With one quick breath I dial in a number I have never needed to use before and force the phone hard against my ear.

"Hello,"

"Hi Jon, its me Brendon."

"Brendon what a nice surprise, I don't think we have even spoken on the phone before, you must require my help I presume." Jon says in his overly sweet voice, too much sugar rots your teeth he should know that. I can't believe I turned to Jon for help, but I had no other choice, I can not leave Ryan with a broken arm, I don't want him to be even more hurt because I failed to get him the help he needs. Think of the long term affects, he might not even be able to use his arm properly again.

"Ryan's took a fall," wow such a convincing lie, who would question yet another fall from Ryan, he's never been good at walking down stairs we all know that.

"Is he alright?"

"I'm not one hundred percent sure but it looks like he's broken his arm."

"Have you took him to a hospital?"

"I was hoping you could help me, I'm not good with hospitals," yet another lie, well never speaking the truth over a long period of time gets easier, soon every word that leaves your lips is some what twisted, never telling the right story, right answer.

"I'll be round as soon as I can, just stay with Ryan, I'm guessing he's in a lot of pain," Jon tells me, I swear the concern in his voice is too overpowering. He hardly knows Ryan why is he so worried about him, why should he care.

I mumble a quick thanks before putting the phone back on the table and rushing back up the stairs, its still silent, my deep, harsh breathing breaking it. When my foot hits the floorboard and it creaks, I whimper slightly. The tiniest sounds keeps putting me on edge, its as if someone is out to get me as if they know what happens to Ryan behind closed doors.

Walking into his room I shuffle over to the wardrobe, kneeling down in front of it. I wait for a few moments, praying that Ryan would talk to me, even an insult would make me feel better. I'm trying to hold back the tears, I don't want Jon seeing a sensitive side to me, he could use it as an advantage.

"Everything is going to be okay Ry, Jon is going to help you."

"Jon's coming, have you completely lost your mind!" Ryan hisses at me, his sudden outburst into the tense silence takes me by surprise, but his harsh words don't break through my hard exterior. I'm confused though, I thought Jon and Ryan were friends, having someone who is close to you with you whilst you are going through a bad time, is a good thing surely.

I didn't dare say anything after that, I knew whatever I would say would be wrong, he would pick me to pieces, try to make me feel even worse, if that is even possible. What's all I can do is sit and wait, its a shame I don't have a needle and thread, right now would be a good time to make an attempt to sew my heart back together.