Loving You Is Harder Than You Know

Ryan's P.O.V

Something is seriously not right. The usual disastrous commotion has not occurred, I'm not bleeding, hurting, shaking...I Have no idea when Brendon will appear, its putting me on edge, pushing me to the limit and I don't like it, at all. Maybe he is too drunk to be aware that his boyfriend his hiding from him, he could be rolling around on the kitchen floor for all I know. Or even worse, behind this very door ready to beat me so hard that I end up in a hospital for a week. It's times like these when the real Ryan comes out to play, the Ryan who is timid, quiet and scared of anything what moves.

My legs are uncomfortably stiff and my back is aching from being in the same position for hours on end. I push open the wardrobe door with my trembling hand and crawl out awkwardly. I stand up brushing the dust particles of my shaking frame and walk towards the bedroom door tentatively, whimpering when my feet cause the floorboards below me to creak. If Brendon can hear me then there is no stopping him from tracking me down and I don't intend for that to happen.

Walking along the corridor is already causing tears to shimmer in my eyes, stinging them slightly. The thought of Brendon jumping out on me, looking at me with those deadly eyes, and attacking me is so scary. Don't ever say you know what it feels like to be in my position because if you really knew what it felt like you would be sat in a wardrobe just like me, hating life and everything around you. I can barely control my legs, let alone my breathing. For a moment I lean against the wall, holding my chest in effort to breath normally. I already feel light headed, the world around me is blurred from the tears swarming my eyes.

When I approach the top of the staircase I can see Brendon lounged on the couch, a bottle of beer firm in his grasp. I swear Brendon will become an alcoholic one day, making my life unbearably worse, if that's even possible. Spencer is sat dangerously close to him, his hand placed delicately on Brendons thigh. I feel the anger pulsing through my veins uncontrollably, my fingers curling into a fist. I see Brendon effortlessly drape his arm around Spencers shoulder and start to drum his fingers on his bare skin.

I can't believe he is doing the exact thing what he accused me of to start off this constant heartache and abuse.

Cheating.

It had been a long day, I was surprised that I had managed to keep myself awake whilst William, one of my old school friends, picked out a movie we could watch. I was exhausted and my eyelids were starting to droop. We had been out shopping, Brendons birthday was looming and I wanted it to be extra special. After hours of aching feet and searching deep in every shop, I had found the most amazing present, in my eyes it could not any more perfect for Brendon. It was a beautiful acoustic guitar, I could just imagine him sat in front of the fire singing to me whilst playing it.

But the film William had picked out was dreadful and if I had not fallen asleep due to the hectic day it would have been because of the movie. My eyes dropped the world turned black around me and I feel fast asleep with my head rested on Williams shoulder. But William didn't move me he just carried on watching the movie with a smile on his face. I don't have feelings for William so me falling asleep on him has nothing to do with me wanting to cheat on Brendon. He is just a friend it meant nothing.

But to Brendon it did.

"Ryan what they hell are you doing!" Brendon screeches, I abruptly sit up, rubbing my aching eyes and see Brendon stood at the door his eyes bulging, his face flooding red.

"Nothing, I just fell asleep that's all," I reply timidly, Brendon had never raised his voice at me before, it was a whole new Brendon I was dealing with.

"You dirty little whore, if I had not got in sooner you could have been fucking him on the couch," Brendon rages at me, he's dropped his shopping bags to the floor with a thud and prowls over to me, knocking a vase over during the process.

"Please Brendon just let me explain," I stutter, on the verge of tears. I loved Brendon from the bottom of my heart, how could he possibly think I would do something like this to him.

"William get out before I do something to you I am going to regret," Brendon commands angrily, William dashes out of the house as a quick as a flash leaving me on the couch, trying to hold back the rush of tears desperate to flee from my eyes.

"Please Brendon, don't be like this," I try and say to him but he grabs my shoulders harshly, throwing my hard against the wall. I stare deep into his eyes and see the once beautiful sparkle turn to hate and venom. That's when I knew he had changed.

"I will make you pay," Brendon hisses at me through clenched teeth, I try to struggle from his grasp but he just digs in deeper, causing blood to start to trickle down my delicate arms.

But that's when he did it, he slapped me across the face, his touch sending jolts of pain through me. It wasn't the romantic, soft touch, it was angry and intended to cause pain. The tears spilled from my eyes and he hit me again for crying. It was possibly the worst day of my life and I just wish that I had been strong enough to open my eyes and stay awake.

But to Brendon it was only a slap...

I come out of my day dream, running my fingers across my cheek shuddering from one of my so called dead memories. My eyes are still glued to Brendons hand what is now trailing up and down Spencer's arm, Spencer's fingers start to run circles over Brendon's thigh. How can he do this to me! He has already hurt me enough, ripped out my heart and torn it apart. But to Brendon its jut a kiss, or an innocent flirt, why would that hurt me?

But because I am so involved in watching Brendon break my heart, I don't realize that my foot is slipping off the edge of the first step. Before I can stop myself, my foot slips off and I'm falling down the stairs, my skinny body being thrown against the walls and steps. I'm not sobbing because I'm falling down a stair case, I'm sobbing because Brendon has obviously heard me and I already know what the bottom of the stairs will hold.

When my back hits the bottom of the stairs, I scream out in pain, immediately regretting it. I don't know what to do, I can't move, its useless. As soon as I hear the foot steps coming towards me, I clasped my hand over my mouth, I don't need Brendon beating me extra hard for crying or whining.

"Oh Ryan, you will never learn, will you..."