Loving You Is Harder Than You Know

Ryan's P.O.V

I knew keeping a deadly secret from Brendon would end in pain and heartache, forget the tears they came a long time ago. It's not as if I was scared when it hit me that I had slept with Jon, to be honest it came as good thing. The thrill and excitement of knowing something Brendon didn't was so overpowering, a boost of confidence was injected into my veins. I felt like a mystery, like a problem Brendon would never solve. But I never thought I would come crashing down back to reality, my own little bubble of happiness popped with the slightest touch. I had never prepared myself for Brendon putting his finger on me, fitting together the pieces and solving the mystery I had grown to be.

Brendon is going to find out I cheated on him and there is nothing I can do about it. Pretty scary don't you think.

"Brendon my arm really hurts," I groan, I'm trying to take his mind off track, leering him to a new conversation. If they think I'm getting worse they might put their argument aside and come to my rescue. Or totally forget about me, seeing as they both are so self absorbed. Brendon being the worst of course but when it's Jon who's about to get his life crushed he suddenly becomes the innocent one. Maybe they both make my skin crawl, there never going to be good enough for me even if they both think they are perfect in every single way.

"Jon how have you seen his chest!"

Okay then Brendon just ignore me. Its not like my arm is broken or anything.

"I think you should be asking Ryan that question, not me," Jon says seriously, they both turn to look at me, the same cold expression on both their faces.

Thanks Jon, its great to know that we support each other.

"Well I'm not the one who ripped off my own shirt, I clearly remember you throwing yourself at me," I hiss at Jon, completely ignoring Brendon's presence in the room. I try to mock the harsh look in Jon's eyes but my soft, innocent exterior is hard to break. I've tried to only cry on the inside now but that doesn't mean the sadness and hurt doesn't show through my features. My lip still trembles, my nose scrunches up and my eyes still shimmer with fear. How can I let anger and agitation rip through that and destroy my once broken expressions.

"Says the boy who kissed me in the first place!" Jon snaps back, he has such a bitter tongue on him, evil so easily spills from his lips. I look up at him trying to see if I could stare though a facade but Jon's not put up a brick wall this time, its real. The emotion and words are coming from his heart. This is the real Jon stood in front of me, stripped down to the flesh. Boy he has really come alive.

"I told you I was not in the right frame of mind when I did that and you took advantage of me! It was you who suggested we had sex, if you had pushed me away in the first place none of this would have ever happened," I manage to blurt out in one very, shaky, uncontrolled breath. I'm not going to let Jon drag me into the pits of hell as he floats off to heaven. If he pins all the blame on me, he's a free man and he can go back to his oh so perfect life. Well he's going to realize that the innocent Ryan he met at that party was a broken mess what he carefully put back together, he can't expect me to let him break me again.

"Ryan did you cheat on me," Brendon asks, his words still make me flinch even thought they were so careful and soft, almost a whisper. He's not going to hurt me because I've just hurt him without even laying a finger on him. I look at the hurt captivating his features and feel the pain ripping open my ribcage and slaughtering my heart. Years of abuse is nothing compared to a broken heart. You can sew up cuts, bruises fade with time but you can't fix a broken heart.

"Brendon I..."

"Oh please Ryan, I fucked you and you liked it. Don't make up so pathetic sob story about how you were not thinking straight and you would do anything to be with Brendon cause you love him so much," Jon tells me sternly, I swallow the lump in my throat when he mentions the sex and feel like my shirt is dripping wet with the sweat pouring from me. I try to bring myself to look at Brendon but the limit of pain my heart can take is destroyed, pain can easily slip into it whenever it wants, no wonder I feel so numb most of the time.

"Ryan you give me no other choice," Brendon mumbles, at an instant my eyes jump to his, the sick feeling bubbling in my stomach. He opens his lips, nothing. He screws up his face in discomfort and shuffles closer to me. I just sit there praying my heart wasn't going to explode into a mess of black, broken pieces.

"Brendon, don't do this to me," I plead, I reach out with my unbroken arm and tug at his trouser leg like a child. Trying to show all my hurt and emotion through my face. The grip on his trouser leg gets tighter, the look on Brendon's face just gets more painful.

"Ryan I'm breaking up with you," Brendon says quietly, a single tears rolls pitifully down his pale cheek. I don't know what to say, I should be jumping with joy right now, no more Brendon, no more abuse. But you can't just fall out of love, you can't switch off the warm feelings and butterflies in your stomach when you are around that person. The tears start to trickle down my cheeks and the grip on Brendons trousers loosens as my arms drop to my side.

He leans down planting a soft kiss on my cheek before walking out of the room. The texture of his lips compliments my tear stained cheek as if the feeling of his lips will always be there as an awful reminder of what used to be. I start to scream his name but I know he's never coming back. Jon is just stood there, in shock I presume. I just look at him helplessly, Brendon left me, after all he did he walked away. I thought I was going to struggle choosing between a life with Jon or Brendon but now I'm going to have to find my own path to walk on and be alone. Did I ever mention that being alone is one of the biggest fears to kill me inside, well I told you now and its not as if I can run away from loneliness.

Calling Brendon a monster is one of the most stupidest things I have ever done, I only have to look at myself to realize that.