Loving You Is Harder Than You Know

Brendon's P.O.V

Running away from my problems was a very stupid thing to do, but if you were in my position what would you do? I mean truthfully would have you sat in the same room as your boyfriend and the guy he cheated on you with. You just wouldn't, even if your heart was screaming at you to stay put and work things out with the one you love. I followed my head and feel like my whole world just crumbled around me. I just couldn't force myself to look at Ryan anymore, after all I did to him, he was just crunched up and pleading with me with watery eyes. It was horrible. I feel sick with guilt, if I leave him after one single thing he did to me, then how the hell did Ryan cope with 2 years of torture. 2 years. Two years of hell what I put him through.

I have been thinking clearly about my options, there is a few, but to be honest none of them jump out at me for being a good idea. I thought about going back to see Ryan, I don't know if he wants me but its worth a try. But Jon has probably took him to the hospital seeing as they as they are the best of friends now. I was going to go live with Spencer, I know I would be welcome but it just wouldn't feel right. Spencer found the whole Ryan thing acceptable, what's all I need his him telling me how good of a person I am after everything I have done.

So I'm going to see William.

The boy who I accused Ryan of cheating with.

I know that William is scared of me, ever since I lost my temper with him and demanded that he leaved the house. He was friends with Ryan and I know Ryan misses him terribly, but of course my jealously destroyed everything that they used to have. I know William probably still cares about Ryan and I know he would jump at the opportunity to spend some time with him. So I'm going to talk to him, hopefully he can help me and then everything goes back to the way it used to be! Me and Ryan in love, with William as his closet friend. Perfect. If only it was that easy.

I know where William lives and I'm going to turn up to his house unexpected. I really hope he is in because if not I'm going to have to spend a night on the cold, harsh streets. I'm not going back to the house, the memories there will tear through my skin so they can infect my heart, I can't let them rip me apart. The sooner I sort this out the quicker Ryan can be in my arms again. The streets are calling me in some sick way and I can't ignore them forever.

So is this what it really feels like to be alone and unwanted?

The funny thing is that I would have never put myself in this situation, I've always be positive in knowing that I would always be in control of things and be happy, content, the list goes fucking on. I am beyond hating who I am, not what I have become, just me, Brendon. I knew I was never a genuinely nice person, but I never thought I would turn to being the twisted human being I am. I thought Ryan would make me a good person, he is sweet, kind, caring. I mean who could forget how huge that heart is of his. But if Ryan has turned to the dark side, how the hell am I supposed to crawl my way back to the bright side.

I say crawl because I can't just walk into a new life with my head held up high with a huge grin across my face.

Okay its now or never I suppose. I walk up William's driveway, fidgeting and pulling around at the collar of my shirt from the heat and sweat trickling down the nape of my neck. I carefully place one foot in front of the other, I'm scared to death that I'm going to pass out or walk into something from the way my head is spinning. Stopping to take a deep breath I pull myself together and force myself to reach out my hand and knock on the door in front of me.

The door is opened and that's when I see him and boy does he look different. His once long brown locks are cut shorter, he dresses better now but he is still stick thin. But for some strange reason I think he's rather cute, I swear to go I better not be blushing. As soon as his eyes meet mine they turn wide, he hides behind the door and closes it a little. Well this is going well.

"Hey William, you remember who I am right," I ask him softly, what's all I need is him freaking out on me. If I show him that I'm a new person he might forgive me from unnecessarily kicking him out of my house and accusing him of being with Ryan.

"How could I forget Brendon Urie," he mutters darkly, I sigh gently to myself, I know this is not going to be easy, but William could stop being so difficult. What I did to him is in the past and of course he deserves an apology but he could still treat me with respect.

"Please William just let me explain myself," I plead with him desperately, the door opens the slightest bit and my heart beats faster. He must be considering this because the door is open fully now and he staring right at me. Should I smile? Okay maybe that would be creepy, I'll just chew on my lip or something silly like that.

"Fine, you can have 15 minutes, come in then."