Loving You Is Harder Than You Know
Chapter Twenty Three
Brendon's P.O.V
Glare. Look away. Silence.
Boy can he hold a grudge. We are sat across from each other, the blatant gap between us, uncomfortable and tense. His jaw is locked tight, his eyes cold, lips pressed together firmly. I look at him for a moment, he can't keep this up for long. I can see through the cracks what are so easily formed as his features crumble and his eyes start to glisten. I have to swallow a lump in my throat when I realize the broken person sat across from me is another one of my accomplishments. I've not only destroyed Ryan, I've destroyed William too. I can't keep my eyes off him, the hurt and pain is calling at me, it wants to stop.
Pain doesn't want to hurt William anymore and I'm the person to put an end to it.
"I never meant for this to happen," I begin to speak, but my throat is dry, it hurts just to open my cracked lips and speak. The vibrations in my throat hurt more because I know I'm confessing hidden secrets, apologizing for ripping away a part of his life over jealously. I feel sick, worn out, I'm so over being a cold hearted bastard.
"What do you mean, I never meant for this to happen. Is the, this, what you did to me or is there more," he speaks for the first time, he sounds as bad as me, or even worse to be honest. He looks up at me slowly, his fringe brushing across his eyes. I see his whole body shaking, nerves I suppose. He buries his head into his hands, I feel uncountable now. Is this what I did to him? I only start talking to him and I've reduced him to tears. Well I presume tears, I think he doesn't want me to see him crying, but I can hear his muffled whimpers.
"I'm not going to lie to you, ever since I thought you went with Ryan behind my back I changed. Not for the good, I started to abuse Ryan and I've hurt him so much so he cheated on me. I know I only have myself to blame, but it hurts and I just broke up with him," I tell him quietly, I keep my eyes away from his, instead I stare at the pictures hanging upon the walls, those pictured him and Ryan. That sent another slash across my heart, he's still holding onto the memories, desperate to not let them go.
"Why does this not surprise me," he mumbles, he looks up at me with flustered cheeks and a harsh coldness to his eyes. I feel hot underneath my clothes, the sweat trickling down my forehead is off putting. I try to stay calm, but the room has already turned to its usual spinning mess and I can feel the sick churning in my stomach.
"But why are you telling me this," William asks, I sigh deeply, suddenly this does not feel like a good idea anymore. I was dreading this part, going to him for help, its not right and I very well know it. I feel nervous,like thousands of pairs of eyes are ready to watch me screw up. I try to clear my throat but I know when the words leave my lips my throat will scratched and rough.
"I need your help William, I want Ryan back," I confess, here comes the sadness, hurt, pain, heart break, you know the list. I have repeated it on numerous occasions. Our eyes lock for a moment, I don't know whether he is getting ready to hit me or is just trying to take everything in. He is fragile, like a doll never taken off its box because you know its hair will start to knot and the plastic will wear away. Well that's like William, he is perfect at being quiet and vulnerable, I'm scared to change that because I quite easily could.
"I don't know how you dare. You accuse me of having an affair with your boyfriend but yet you want me to help you get back with him, when you just told me you abuse him," William hisses at me, this time he sounds more confident like I have set something off inside of him. A chemical reaction, hurt and anger don't mix together very well. So they tend to explode.
"William I can never stop apologizing for what I did to you but I want you back in our lives. Is it so hard to understand that the guilt of this is killing me. I know you miss Ryan and you know it too. You know Ryan better than I do, please do this for me, help Ryan understand what he wants because I know deep down he really loves me," I plea with him, I look down into the light blue carpet, now wanting to witness his reaction. Words mean nothing anymore. I have spoke to so many people through violence and abuse. Speaking from the heart is in the past, hitting someone gets the message across more clearly. But I don't want to do that anymore, I want people to know what I am feeling.
He stands up abruptly as he starts to walk over to me, my eyes start to look upwards and that's when I see him looming over me. He places a hand on my shoulder, I tense up from his touch. A warm smile tickled his lips and his eyes become warm. I try my hardest to smile back and take a long deep breath when I realize that its over. I said it. The whole William verses Brendon issue is in the past. Maybe we can both move along and get back to living our lives.
"Brendon, I just can't bring myself to forgive you," he says quietly, my heart felt like it had fell from my chest and William had stamped on it.I try to look into his eyes, begging him through my stare. But his face is so hard, even the cutest of smiles wont break him. He gives my shoulder as squeeze if he's being sympathetic, but I shrug him off and try to think of what's the worst thing what could happen to me. Being Homeless? Death... Oh I don't know, I could not give a damn to be honest.
"Fine, thanks for listening to me William," I mutter before standing up, so I was face to face with him. I turn around but I feel his hand on my shoulder again, but this time his grasp is firm and I can feel his bony fingers digging into my shoulder blade. I'm trying to move but his grasp gets tighter and before I know it I thrown against the wall, my back hits the cool surface and I shudder inside.
I did the exact same thing to Ryan, when I first hurt him. Scary.
"What's a matter Brendon I thought you liked it when I touched you," he snigger's, oh shit how the hell does he know that I said that to Ryan. I feel my heartbeat torturing me ears, my quicken breaths make me feel light headed, nervy. I'm scared now, no scrap that I'm petrified. The sick is circling my stomach ready to emerge from my throat.
"Plea..Please William. Don't, don't do this to me," I plea weakly, I feel the tears filling my worried eyes as they spill down my cheeks. I'm struggling now, thrashing about, left to right. I'm trying to control the waterfall cascading down my face, but the tears continue to run thick and fast.
He slaps me across the face, his palm leaving behind a stinging sensation across my cheek. I can feel it throbbing as the tears what roll down the sensitive sting burn like hell. The glare into my eyes is sickening and that's when I start to scream. He shoves his hand across my mouth, muffling my cries for help and whimpers. This is sick and wrong, I feel like Ryan now. Wait a minute, if I feel like Ryan this can mean only one thing. He wants me to feel what Ryan felt, he wants me to hurt like Ryan did. This is my punishment, I know I deserve it but the pain convulsing my heart is unbearable.
"Oh please Brendon, tears already. Should I hit you again because your crying. You know like what you do to Ryan," he growls at me, he must have been talking to Ryan, Jon even. I don't know who told him but they bloody need shooting. Is it not bad enough that my heart is broken and I will hate myself for the rest of my damned life.
His hands reach down to my belt buckle and then start to tug and the zip of my trousers. Oh god, please anything but that, I'm begging you. I scream even louder when he yanks my trousers down. Is he really going to do this, is he going to rape me. I loose control of my body, I can't take it anymore and the sick speeds up my stomach and I throw up all over William's hand. Oh man that can't go down well.
"Oh fucking hell Brendon that's disgusting," he rages at me, he pulls his hand from my mouth and rushes to the kitchen muttering to himself. I just slide down the wall, shaking and covered in my own vomit. Is that what I needed to get my life back on track? Or was that just a sick act to fuck me up even more?
Glare. Look away. Silence.
Boy can he hold a grudge. We are sat across from each other, the blatant gap between us, uncomfortable and tense. His jaw is locked tight, his eyes cold, lips pressed together firmly. I look at him for a moment, he can't keep this up for long. I can see through the cracks what are so easily formed as his features crumble and his eyes start to glisten. I have to swallow a lump in my throat when I realize the broken person sat across from me is another one of my accomplishments. I've not only destroyed Ryan, I've destroyed William too. I can't keep my eyes off him, the hurt and pain is calling at me, it wants to stop.
Pain doesn't want to hurt William anymore and I'm the person to put an end to it.
"I never meant for this to happen," I begin to speak, but my throat is dry, it hurts just to open my cracked lips and speak. The vibrations in my throat hurt more because I know I'm confessing hidden secrets, apologizing for ripping away a part of his life over jealously. I feel sick, worn out, I'm so over being a cold hearted bastard.
"What do you mean, I never meant for this to happen. Is the, this, what you did to me or is there more," he speaks for the first time, he sounds as bad as me, or even worse to be honest. He looks up at me slowly, his fringe brushing across his eyes. I see his whole body shaking, nerves I suppose. He buries his head into his hands, I feel uncountable now. Is this what I did to him? I only start talking to him and I've reduced him to tears. Well I presume tears, I think he doesn't want me to see him crying, but I can hear his muffled whimpers.
"I'm not going to lie to you, ever since I thought you went with Ryan behind my back I changed. Not for the good, I started to abuse Ryan and I've hurt him so much so he cheated on me. I know I only have myself to blame, but it hurts and I just broke up with him," I tell him quietly, I keep my eyes away from his, instead I stare at the pictures hanging upon the walls, those pictured him and Ryan. That sent another slash across my heart, he's still holding onto the memories, desperate to not let them go.
"Why does this not surprise me," he mumbles, he looks up at me with flustered cheeks and a harsh coldness to his eyes. I feel hot underneath my clothes, the sweat trickling down my forehead is off putting. I try to stay calm, but the room has already turned to its usual spinning mess and I can feel the sick churning in my stomach.
"But why are you telling me this," William asks, I sigh deeply, suddenly this does not feel like a good idea anymore. I was dreading this part, going to him for help, its not right and I very well know it. I feel nervous,like thousands of pairs of eyes are ready to watch me screw up. I try to clear my throat but I know when the words leave my lips my throat will scratched and rough.
"I need your help William, I want Ryan back," I confess, here comes the sadness, hurt, pain, heart break, you know the list. I have repeated it on numerous occasions. Our eyes lock for a moment, I don't know whether he is getting ready to hit me or is just trying to take everything in. He is fragile, like a doll never taken off its box because you know its hair will start to knot and the plastic will wear away. Well that's like William, he is perfect at being quiet and vulnerable, I'm scared to change that because I quite easily could.
"I don't know how you dare. You accuse me of having an affair with your boyfriend but yet you want me to help you get back with him, when you just told me you abuse him," William hisses at me, this time he sounds more confident like I have set something off inside of him. A chemical reaction, hurt and anger don't mix together very well. So they tend to explode.
"William I can never stop apologizing for what I did to you but I want you back in our lives. Is it so hard to understand that the guilt of this is killing me. I know you miss Ryan and you know it too. You know Ryan better than I do, please do this for me, help Ryan understand what he wants because I know deep down he really loves me," I plea with him, I look down into the light blue carpet, now wanting to witness his reaction. Words mean nothing anymore. I have spoke to so many people through violence and abuse. Speaking from the heart is in the past, hitting someone gets the message across more clearly. But I don't want to do that anymore, I want people to know what I am feeling.
He stands up abruptly as he starts to walk over to me, my eyes start to look upwards and that's when I see him looming over me. He places a hand on my shoulder, I tense up from his touch. A warm smile tickled his lips and his eyes become warm. I try my hardest to smile back and take a long deep breath when I realize that its over. I said it. The whole William verses Brendon issue is in the past. Maybe we can both move along and get back to living our lives.
"Brendon, I just can't bring myself to forgive you," he says quietly, my heart felt like it had fell from my chest and William had stamped on it.I try to look into his eyes, begging him through my stare. But his face is so hard, even the cutest of smiles wont break him. He gives my shoulder as squeeze if he's being sympathetic, but I shrug him off and try to think of what's the worst thing what could happen to me. Being Homeless? Death... Oh I don't know, I could not give a damn to be honest.
"Fine, thanks for listening to me William," I mutter before standing up, so I was face to face with him. I turn around but I feel his hand on my shoulder again, but this time his grasp is firm and I can feel his bony fingers digging into my shoulder blade. I'm trying to move but his grasp gets tighter and before I know it I thrown against the wall, my back hits the cool surface and I shudder inside.
I did the exact same thing to Ryan, when I first hurt him. Scary.
"What's a matter Brendon I thought you liked it when I touched you," he snigger's, oh shit how the hell does he know that I said that to Ryan. I feel my heartbeat torturing me ears, my quicken breaths make me feel light headed, nervy. I'm scared now, no scrap that I'm petrified. The sick is circling my stomach ready to emerge from my throat.
"Plea..Please William. Don't, don't do this to me," I plea weakly, I feel the tears filling my worried eyes as they spill down my cheeks. I'm struggling now, thrashing about, left to right. I'm trying to control the waterfall cascading down my face, but the tears continue to run thick and fast.
He slaps me across the face, his palm leaving behind a stinging sensation across my cheek. I can feel it throbbing as the tears what roll down the sensitive sting burn like hell. The glare into my eyes is sickening and that's when I start to scream. He shoves his hand across my mouth, muffling my cries for help and whimpers. This is sick and wrong, I feel like Ryan now. Wait a minute, if I feel like Ryan this can mean only one thing. He wants me to feel what Ryan felt, he wants me to hurt like Ryan did. This is my punishment, I know I deserve it but the pain convulsing my heart is unbearable.
"Oh please Brendon, tears already. Should I hit you again because your crying. You know like what you do to Ryan," he growls at me, he must have been talking to Ryan, Jon even. I don't know who told him but they bloody need shooting. Is it not bad enough that my heart is broken and I will hate myself for the rest of my damned life.
His hands reach down to my belt buckle and then start to tug and the zip of my trousers. Oh god, please anything but that, I'm begging you. I scream even louder when he yanks my trousers down. Is he really going to do this, is he going to rape me. I loose control of my body, I can't take it anymore and the sick speeds up my stomach and I throw up all over William's hand. Oh man that can't go down well.
"Oh fucking hell Brendon that's disgusting," he rages at me, he pulls his hand from my mouth and rushes to the kitchen muttering to himself. I just slide down the wall, shaking and covered in my own vomit. Is that what I needed to get my life back on track? Or was that just a sick act to fuck me up even more?