Loving You Is Harder Than You Know

Brendon's P.O.V

They are letting me come home today, the nurse smiled at me as she slipped the Iv drip from my hand and gently put a bandage over the small pink wound. She picked up my chart and scribbled quickly onto it, the same silly smirk rippled over her lips as she motioned for Ryan to come in and collect me. She gave my shoulder a reassuring squeeze and encouraged me to look after myself. With one last squeeze of my arm she was gone and the hard lump formed in my throat. Ryan just stood and watched me silently, every now and then he would roll those pretty brown eyes of his or sigh deeply. He knows and I know very well that I have to leave the hospital today but the force pinning me to the bed thinks otherwise. Maybe it's the thought of knowing I have to take off the scratchy hospital gown and expose myself to him what's stopping me. My cheeks flush pink from the thought of it and I know Ryan is starting to get impatient.

"I'm feeling sick and I'm pretty sure I have a temperature," I stutter foolishly, I lean back in the hard, uncomfortable bed and try to sink into the itchy, thin covers. I try to decide why I'm doing this but I continue to whimper and shuffle around awkwardly. I throw a quick glance at Ryan and watch as he folds his arms and his foot starts tapping. Every time the sole of his shoe hits the floor I feel like my heart has been jerked forward. Like when your in a car and you get whip lash. He's not buying this, his simplest actions tell me that.

"Don't lie to me, I'm seriously fed up of your lie's," Ryan sighs glumly, this times it feels like my whole body has been thrown forward but my heart has never come back, what heart right. I mess with the untidy stitching on the hospital gown and start to pry it away from me. I can feel Ryan glaring, his eyes piercing perfect holes through my skin. By the time the gown is crumpled on the floor and I'm sat in my underwear Ryan has started to get closer. His orbs scanning up and down my vulnerability. His hand reaches out slowly, trailing down my bare chest, his cool touch sends vibrations down my spine and I squirm.

"Oh did I do this to you, Brendon you look horrible," Ryan snigger's, mocking my once pitiful attempt to show Ryan how guilt ridden I felt and how deprived of being a real human being I felt when I saw the scars printed into his skin. He continues skimming his fingers up my chest before they dance across my collar bone. He smiles and I feel even less human, I'm just an object a toy he can mess around with. I was once the plastic dinosaur with sharp teeth and hard skin now I'm a rag doll ready to be tugged and thrown about until my arms rip off.

"I think you should go get a coffee," I mumble lamely, my eyes transfixed on the white wall ahead of me, the smile still causing havoc in my head, my thoughts.

"I'll meet you in the car," he informs me he scans his eyes slowly up and down me once more, "You must want some privacy," he finally says causing me to drag the quilt close to me my fingers gripping the horrid material. I can almost feel the roll of his eyes as he walks away obviously feeling pretty pleased with his smug self. The ego has finally left, it feels like the force pressing on my chest has been released and I can breathe again.

I crawl out of the bed leaning against the wall for support and steadying my raspy breathing. I see that Ryan has brought me some clothes they are in a neat pile on the table, folded perfectly. I grab the pair of fading blue trousers and quickly pull them up my skinny legs with great difficulty. I feel more at ease when I have my bottom half covered, maybe the tiny confident boost allowed me to stand up on my own and reach for the t shirt. I unfold it but then feel my stomach flip when my eyes scan across it. This is not my t shirt. Firstly its way too small and secondly this shirt was bought for Ryan last Christmas. I was about to pull it on me until I notice the dried blood stains coating most of it. My body fills with horror and the vomit burns the back of my throat when I realize that I hit Ryan with the iron when he was too tired to help me with the ironing whilst he was wearing this shirt. He did this on purpose he's finding ways to torture me, break me down into impossible pieces.

I don't know what to, I'm holding the stained shirt in my hands feeling more and more light headed by the second. If I pass out at least that might buy me another night in hospital. The shirt slips from my fingers and I throw up in the nearest bin, the vile substance passes my lips and leaves a horrible taste lingering in my mouth. I kick the t shirt away from my feet trying to keep the image from attacking me mentally. I decide leaving the hospital with a bare chest is my only option even how embarrassing and humiliating it seems.

Quickly I down the cup of horrible warm water on my bedside cabinet and exist the room, my cheeks already feel like they are being set alight. A few people snigger whilst a frail looking nurse scowls at me, why should I care what they think about me this is the first time I have been in a hospital in years and I don't plan coming back anytime soon, believe me. By the time I have left the hospital am I grateful enough just for not being pelted my something. I could just imagine a small child throwing their bottle at me. I stand outside, the cold air nips at my ankles due to me wearing Ryan's trousers and they are miles too short for me. I wrap my arms around my shivering chest and search frantically for Ryan.

"Brendon its freezing outside put some clothes on," I hear someone snigger cruelly, I turn around to see Ryan laughing at me, I feel the tears welling in my eyes but ignore them seeing as I don't want to give Ryan the damn satisfaction. He slings his arm around my shoulder and I stiffen from his closeness.

"Why are you doing this," I ask him, well more like demand but it just sounded like I was begging him to be perfectly honest. That smile reappears and I feel the secluded sobs ready to break free from my chest. The grip on my shoulder gets harsher and my eyes become clouded.

"No reason, but you still love me right," he asks slyly I just nod my head nervously and start to walk with his arm still captivating me. Looks like he's the Brendon in this relationship now, well I can't say I don't deserve this. Lets just hope some unexpected miracle happens and I'm not the one who wakes up on the kitchen floor this time.