Loving You Is Harder Than You Know

Ryan's P.O.V

I already feel sick with disgust and hatred, it lines the bottom of my stomach like its ready to drop out spilling its dreadful contents. As soon as I get out of the car I feel weak at the knee's so I storm off ahead of Brendon, I don't need him using my weakness as an advantage. I try to think about all those times when I have been reduced to a mess on the floor with my heart barely holding on the through the agony and torture but still two wrongs will never make a right despite whatever circumstance. I hear a thud but don't bother to turn around, he could be laying face down in the dirt for all I care its not like I haven't had worse. Walking up to the house I try to steady my breathing and calm down, breath in and out, in and out. I get the pace of my quick breaths into an equal rhythm and stop staring at my trailing shoelace.

"Hey, Ryan."

Looking up at an instant the gentle beat of my heart turns to dust and continues to smash against my ribcage with every frantic pump. That voice, that irresistibly nice voice what seemed to sooth me with every perfectly spoken word, is here. It has to be Jon, who else would grace my arrival home by waiting on my front doorstep like a gift from the gods. This time I actually do turn to look at Brendon maybe he could dispose of Jon for me, I mean I don't have to look he could just beat him a couple of times until he is too scared to ever step foot here again. No, what the hell am I thinking how could I wish such pain on someone when I have experienced it myself. Over and over and over again. I guess its just uncomfortable to have my lover turn abuser be with me whilst my other lover turn relationship wrecker is watching us. Well what am I. Fun, loving boy turn vulnerable mess, or happy, creative boy turn monster. I don't know but I do know one thing. Something this is going to turn nasty and at least one heart wont make it.

"Jon, what the hell are you doing here!" I hiss at him, he's blocking the doorway so I can't get inside, looks like I am going to have to face him whether I like it or not. I can hear footsteps getting closer so it must mean Brendon managed to pull himself together at least if I leave him to struggle on his own he will become a stronger person and I'm not talking about strong as in being able to beat my for twice as long as usual without getting tired.

"Do you think I was actually going to let you walk away from me that easily, I mean a proper goodbye might have helped but I'm not ready to let you go," he says so simply, like this is not an issue at all. He even smiles, just sat there with his palms faced upwards like he's got nothing to hide. I want to reach out and strangle him so hard but the temptation to lean in and press a kiss against his soft lips is too overpowering. I run a hand through my tousled hair and try to fit the pieces together, my life is just one huge jigsaw one day the pieces fit together perfectly the other one wont fit right. Or if I am having a really bad day its like you can't find the last vital piece and your puzzle will look incomplete and silly.

"Jon, I can't do this right now, just leave please," I try to say calmly, I'll get on my knees and beg if he wants I'm willing to do anything just to have one day of my life to be normal so I can be happy again. Is that really too much to ask for. I look into his eyes with a piercing stare hoping the emotion would leak into his sockets. But he just crouches down and sits on my doorstep again, looks like someone is overstaying their welcome.

"Ryan why are you just stood here, you should go in and..."

"Nice to see you again Brendon, I thought after our little phone call that would be the end," Jon interupts Brendon rudely and I watch in shock as Brendon leans into Jon and shakes his hand like everyone is throwing up puppies and rainbows right now. I swear my jaw felt like it had melted to the floor as I watched them both shake hands and then stand next to each other quite easily. Then the stares turn to me and I swallow the lump blocking my throat.

"What phone call," I demand, furious. I can deal with the abuse, hospital visits, insults but not secrets, I hate secrets. It killed me to hide away my relationship with Jon, the guilt slowly pecked its way at me, each sharp tap broke away another part of my security blanket, breaking away my shield of content. So secrets and me don't mix so knowing Jon was in on it too hurts even more. God did I ever mention how much I hate pain, that pain being exposed every time i am within in a meter radius of Jon or Brendon.

Bring on the fucking heartache.

"Ry..." Brendon begins but I'm pretty quick at cutting him off at the start of his cute, little story.

"Don't call me Ry," I snap bitterly, no nick names, just the facts. That's all I need to hear.

"Ryan, look this phone call your obviously upset about was nothing. I knew that when I committed suicide you would be alone and I don't want you to hurt yourself or lock yourself in the house for weeks on end because I wasn't there anymore. So before I took the pills I phoned Jon and made him promise me he would look after you when I was gone," Brendon explains slowly, by this time I'm the one who should be a broken mess on the car bonnet not him.

"Jon you knew about this and you didn't tell me, I could have stopped him!" I rage at him, he made me sit and watch Brendon lay in a hospital bed dying for nothing. I was the one who had to scream through the sobs and throw up in the hospital toilets every time I closed my eyes and saw the machine show a flat line, show that his heart was not beating. But no Jon knew whilst I destroyed myself over this, he was probably sat in his perfect world, with his perfect fucking boyfriend. Oh god...

"You went away in a taxi, what was I supposed to do," he snarls back at me, I just turn away trying to reassure myself that god will stop torturing me soon enough cause good people don't deserve this, right. I hear them both muttering to each other, me being the topic of their conversation no doubt. I wrap my arms around myself like I'm trying to hold myself together, stop myself from falling to irreplaceable pieces.

"Ryan look I think we all know what we should be talking about," Brendon says quietly, I turn to look at him and watch as he steps forward and grabs my hand what was hanging loosely out of my jacket, what has grown considerably big for me since Brendon stopped feeding me and I had to steal bread or anything that looked nice from the fridge at nighttime undercover. Anyway what the hell is he talking about.

"It's time to choose," Brandon starts.

"Him or me," Jon finishes, I just look at them more lumps start to form in my throat and my body feels tense and uncomfortable. I take a step back when my world starts spinning and try to look at anything for comfort but we are the only ones on the street, everyone else is in their homes happy with their families not falling to pieces as every second passes.

"No messing us around we want an answer, right here, right now," Brendon says sternly, I just look at them both shaking my head frantically how can they put me on the spot like this, I'm supposed to decide my future so quickly, just so one of them can sleep tonight.

"Jon..."