Loving You Is Harder Than You Know

Ryan's P.O.V

According to Brendon tea solves everything, freaking tea! I'm sat on the couch Jon on one side Brendon the other so I'm captivated between them, the awkward atmosphere slowly driving me into a sick, mental state. The numbness is taking over, when Jon rests his hand on my thigh and Brendon drapes his arm around my stiff shoulders I don't even feel it. I'm constantly changing my mind, I will love Brendon always, but there is more to a relationship than a feeling present in your heart. Trust would be one thing. Caring for one another also but things can change right, people change. Brendon has to change. Okay what am I saying, you should like someone because of who they are, you shouldn't be any different for them and vice versa. I should either like all of Brendon or nothing at all, there is not in between not anymore.

"I'm just going to nip to the bathroom," I speak up, both of their heads snap towards me, I spoke, that's such an accomplishment. I keep my stare forward, deciding whether to ignore them both and lock myself in a toilet prison, the bathroom floor just so happened to be slightly comfortable when your laid lifeless on it for long periods of time. The cool tiles are soothing against a throbbing hard mark or fast forming bruise. Anyway I'm willing to be anywhere right now to get away from the decision chasing behind me, its never going to stop, some time it will catch me up.

I stand up, I notice Brendon has hold of my hand, the stabbing pain connects with my chest again, a bigger impact then before, when his fingers slowly disconnect from mine. The once loving grip on my hand is released and I drop back onto the floor, I scream when my back becomes connected with the hard, wooden floorboards as I try to block out the awful snigger's from Brendon.I have never been the hugest of fans for holding hands.

I make me way up the stairs being extra careful with the placing of my feet on the deadly steps, my hard grips hard onto the banister and I try to keep myself from tumbling to the ground again. I can't see them both but I know they will be watching me, their eyes glued to the broken mess trudging up the stairs like a solider taking his final steps across the battlefield before the pain engulfs their body and there face hits the think mud. Well I've been to war, but instead of bombs there is punches, kicks, instead of gunshot wounds there are empty holes were remains of a broken heart are and there is no explosions just relationships, emotions being shattered into the nothingness.

I actually decide to go to the bathroom seeing as I feel my stomach churning, a usual experience. I push open the door, a vacant tear rolls down my cheek when I stare at the toilet bowl knowing very well I will be leaning over it any time soon. I wrap my arms around my stomach, trying to hold in the pain and agony, useless. My knees contact with the tiled floor, not the greatest of feelings, and I let the contents of my stomach escape from my trembling lips. I grip onto the side of the porcelain, wrenching any badness painfully.

I hear someone approaching due to the footsteps, could the stamp of their feet be any louder for gods sake, but I ignore whoever it is, I don't have the strength to sit with them and pretend this isn't wrong, that this isn't hurting me in every way possible. It has to be Jon he has a tendency to come to my rescue when I'm lower than low.

"Jon just leave me alone," I manage to force out between the rare moment when I'm not being violently sick, is this normal? I mean throwing up like this all the time, maybe its the thought of knowing Brendon got the pills from this very bathroom to top himself isn't helping.

They ignore me, why wouldn't they? They crouch down beside me holding back my fringe plastered to my forehead with sweat. I go to swat their hand away but I suppose it is helping and rather comforting in some ways.

"Just get it all up Ry, I know its not nice but you'll feel loads better afterwards."

Oh my, it can't be him.

It's Brendon, why would Brendon help me. Normally when I'm crying in my bedroom, or sat in the corner of the bathroom shaking uncontrollably he ignores me, he will turn up the Tv so he can't hear me screaming or kick me until I crawl out of the bathroom and collapse on top of the landing. I stop being sick for a minute and drop back hoping the cold bathroom tiles would calm me but instead I drop into something a lot more appealing.

Brendon's arms.

Yes I know that's sounds all soppy and cliche but when I felt his arms around me I burst into tears, my head nestled into the crook of his neck, my hand placed against his chest. I close my eyes wishing I could fall into a peaceful slumber because firstly I have not slept in weeks and I suppose I just want to sleep with Bren again. He's so warm and he always sang to me when I couldn't sleep he would let me snuggle into him and I would slowly fall asleep with my hand on his heart it was all very serene. I loved it.

"Don't think that this means I'm choosing you," I sniff, but hold onto him even tighter like I was going to loose him any second, like this is all just a dream and any minute now I will wake up on the bathroom floor.

"You have always been a stubborn boy Ry," Brendon laughs but not cruelly, he has such a wonderful laugh it immediately sends a smile across my face whether I want it to or not, its all very silly really.

"But hey I got a smile that's got to be something," he jokes to himself, but then its goes quiet again the only sound is the random drip of the tap as the water droplet splashed against the basin. I look up at him with wide eyes, he looks pale, different and I don't know why.

"Bren," I say quietly, breakable.

"Yeah Ry," he relies in the same soothing tone what makes me relax into his presence even more.

"You have to stop, you can't leave me," it was supposed to come out confidently, demanding. But to me it sounded like I was pathetic, pleading with him like a small, innocent child. I know I should be raging at him, pushing him away, rejecting him. But no. As soon as I felt his embrace I melted into a mess of love and satisfaction.

"Who said I was leaving you," he mumbles, not really concentrating as he continues to play with my hair, twiddling his fingers around my damp locks. I got irritated by the flatness of his tone, is he even listening to me, or is this just a game to him. He won, I cracked first, I was the one who begged him to come back to me. He got what he wanted.

"Just stop, okay. Stop," I snap, I try to get up but my fragile bones can't take the deteriorating weight of me and the exhaustion sweeps through. Instead of using Brendon as a crutch I lean into the sink staring down at the plughole and trails of water leaking into it.

"What are you doing to me, do you think this is funny? Do you think by watching me wrench up what you have caused is going to change anything. If you want this to work you have to stop, you have to stop being the monster what kills me inside because you get some sort of sick thrill from it. I love you Brendon Urie and do you know how hard it is to feel that damn emotion for you. After everything you have done my heart still bleeds for you, just laying in you arms just then sent me into bliss, that's the impact you have on me. So you have to change or I will force myself to hate you, even if that means cutting me very own heart from my chest with a knife, you hear me!" I scream at him, but it is all too much and I turn to throwing up in the toilet again, this time instead of tears cascading down my cheeks anger flows through my veins. My fists clench as I heave everything up in one last attempt to feel empty again.

That's what I want to feel, emptiness.

"Ry, I don't know what to say," he whispers, pathetic.

"Well don't say anything at all," I hiss at him before my legs can't take it and I collapse on the floor, is this the end of it is it all over, my head hits the tiles hard and I enter unconsciousness unwontedly...

-x-

"Ry, you have got to open your eyes, come on don't do this to me," I hear someone pleading, I groan and roll onto me side only to roll back to where I started when my head starts spinning. My eyes flutter open involuntary and then shut again quickly when I notice Brendon is hovering over me like a fallen angel.

"Ryan I'm sorry, this is just so messed up and I'm trying so hard to put everything back together. You passed out and wouldn't wake up, so I brought you to your room I was so scared that this was going to be the last time I could be with you," he explains quickly, often stopping to make sense of himself and get the words out clearer. I stare at the ceiling. Passed out? I am really that weak, maybe throwing up constantly did that to me. Or him...

"I can't do this anymore, just look at me, are you just as surprised as me, that I'm still alive," I manage to say, my throat feels rough and dry, if I could just go back to sleep, maybe this would all just feel like a nightmare.

"Give me one final chance Ry, I promise I will change and I'll tell you honestly that I never stopped loving you, never. It hurt just to think that you thought I hated you because I loved you so much it turned to an obsession, it went beyond love it was unhealthy," Brendon explains, it sounded like just another pitiful excuse but I believe him, maybe its cause I'm too tired or because he said he loved me. I have always been a sucker for love, such a beautiful thing it is.

"I still love you Brendon, just don't hurt me anymore," I sniff, my eyes glazing with tears as the love of my life turned into a blotchy mess before me. He crawled into bed with me, pulling the cover over us and letting me snuggle into him.

"I won't Ry, cause I know how hard this was for you and there will be a constant hole in my heart from all of this, but I love you.."

"Yeah, yeah, night Bren," I yawn lazily.

Then I feel asleep with my hand on his heart not knowing if I had made the best decision of my life.