Loving You Is Harder Than You Know

Ryan's P.O.V

The early morning sun penetrates through the curtains, causing me to have a slightly annoying awakening. I open my eyes slowly, staring up at the ceiling I sigh gently, Brendon's idea of fun last night was the complete opposite of mine. I turn over, and to my surprise I see Brendon lade beside me, he looks so cute and innocent, if only Brendon was actually any of those things. Brendon never allows me to sleep in his bed with him at night, so just lying beside him is a pretty huge thing for me.

I dare myself to wrap my arms around him and rest my head on his chest, he's so warm, its feels magical to listen to gentle sound of his heartbeat. If only it could be like this all the time, I sometimes lay awake at night thinking how different my tortured life would be if Brendon had never changed. I delicately trail my fingers across his soft cheek, resisting the urge to move my hand down his slender, pale chest. His soft locks feel amazing entwined with my fingers, my free hand is rested on his warm thigh.

I really do miss Brendon, the beautiful boy I'm holding isn't Brendon he's just simply a monster without the heart and soul he used to posses. I feel the usual pain shoot through my heart, whenever I'm with Brendon its feels like someone has ripped my heart right from my chest, torn it to pieces and put in on show to the rest of the world. I plant a kiss on his cheek before pulling my arms from around him and snuggling under the blankets for a good cry. Yes sometime I feel sorry for myself, I'm a twenty two year old being abused by the one who sadly makes me world go round.

I emerge from the over heated covers, the hot tears stinging my tired eyes, to see Brendon mumbling incoherent things under his breath and his eyes flickering open. I just stay perfectly still and pray to god Brendon wont lash out at me for being in his bed with him. His eyes snap open, and at an instant his eyes are drawn to me, I shuffle uncomfortably under the covers, on edge from his glare.

"Ryan what are you doing in my bed," Brendon asks sternly, the annoyance present in his commanding tone. At an instant I feel my throat turn dry, my nerves get the best of me. I can't even have a conversation with him anymore without being scared out of my mind.

"You did stuff to me last night," I say quietly, I'm too ashamed to let the word rape leave my mouth, it hurts just thinking about it. My cheeks have turned horribly red and I feel yet more dreaded tears threatening my eyes. Its not as if he has not done this before, but that's does not mean the pain gets any easier of the mental scar's fade with time.

"Oh yeah, that was fun," Brendon snigger's, I look over to him letting the tears splash down my cheeks. Its times like these when I want him to feel my pain, I want him to hurt and cry. I sometimes wish he actually was dead...

"Totally Brendon, cause having sex with my whilst I sobbed my heart out is such a great time," I snap at him without being able to stop myself. I see him raise his hand, my heart stops beating when the usually mix of hate and venom grows his eyes. But to my relief, his puts down his hand and his eyes return their normal beautiful shade.

"Your really starting to get on my nerves Ross," Brendon hisses at me, I feel the anger boiling inside me, it should be me overflowing with hatred right now, I should be the one beating the life out of the boy I love so much. Just because I have overpowering feelings for he does not mean I will no snap one day and get my revenge.

Of course Ryan. You keep telling yourself that.

"Don't I have a name now, Urie," I say back in the same disrespectful tone, I don't know where this sudden confidence boost has emerged from, but I'm not complaining. I feel Brendon grab my wrist harshly, he yanks me close to him ignoring the fact that I fell down the stairs yesterday and then he continued to hurt me moments after.

"You have no right to talk to me like this, after all I have done for you," Brendon shouts, as soon as he raises his voice, my heart seems to burst from my chest. The simple change in his tone, can make me weak at the knees. Obviously Brendon uses it to his advantage and raises his voice on any opportunity he gets.

"Get out of my bed before I throw you down the stairs this time," he screams, I jump out of my skin before throwing myself out of the bed and rushing to the door as fast as my legs will let me. I can't believe that he is joking, or using threats to scare me because knowing my luck he would push me down the stairs, sending not only me but my confidence and love for Brendon down too.

"Brendon what's with all the alcohol," I question, behind the door is any alcoholics dream, endless bottles are stacked upon each other. I hope he is not planning to get totally smashed because he takes it out of me, I'm the one who's gets insults slurred at me, the one who ducks from being hit in the face with flying bottles, the one who cleans him up when he's being sick and tucks him in bed when he's passed out.

"Party.Tonight,"he says flatly, I just glare at him, this time the pain in my heart has not even started because I am far from loving Brendon right now. We used to tell each other everything, and I mean everything. We never had secrets, until now of course.

"When were you planning on telling me about this," I ask him, I'm trying to hold down the anger flooding through my veins, I can feel it spreading to my fingers down to my toes. If I tried to attack Brendon and give him a taste of his own viscous medicine I'm pretty sure I would fail miserably.

"I wasn't," Brendon replied simply, no surprise there, he knows if he had told me I would have tried to put a stop to his stupid party with the stupid music, guests, drinks, everything about them make my blood boil.

"Your going to look so cute in you waiter outfit," Brendon cooed, so not only has he kept a party from me, he is going to embarrass me in front of the people who think me and Brendon are the cutest couple alive and spend all our free time baking cupcakes together.

"Whatever," I mumble sadly before walking out of the Bedroom and heading to the kitchen before Brendon can get there first and take away my eating privileges. He can be so evil at times, he is the type of person who would watch you build a sandcastle and then kick it down when its finished. I know that's a really silly example but I can think straight when I have had arguments with Brendon.

I really hate it when I become angry and start to have terrible feelings for other people. I mean I normally have love for everyone, I would never hurt a fly, I would like to think of myself as an extremely nice person. But Brendon I fear is turning me into him. First it will be simple things like shouting more and the next thing I know I could be attacking some innocent person.

But that is just another one of my worries, the party tonight is on top of my list of things to stress over.