Loving You Is Harder Than You Know

Ryan's P.O.V

I dare not look at him face to face,his chest is pretty comforting anyway, I think actually looking at this mysterious boy could melt what's left of my heart. I notice he has hold of my hand, his fingers delicately entwined with mine, the grip on my hand is a complete contrast to Brendons, rough harsh one. His breathing is calm, mine on the other hand is deep and heavy. He seems the complete opposite to me, he seems so lade back and in control of everything, I well, I don't know what I am anymore.

"What's your name," he asks me, his soft voice seems to break the tranquil atmosphere and set of the tense uneasy one again. Silence always calms me, I try so hard not to break it that I totally forget about all my problems they are caught up in all the noise.

"Ryan," I whisper, my voice is barley audible, but I'm to heartbroken to even open my lips and talk to anybody. I don't want people to feel sorry for me or give me unnecessary attention. Just because I don't feel like talking does not mean I need people to focus on me. I have had to deal with this all by myself for long enough, I can cope, but for some strange reason I think this boy might change my mind on everything and I mean everything.

"I'm Jon," he tells me, I gain the courage to pull my head from his sweet smelling jacket and stare up at his heavenly face. A strange feeling of shivers tingle up my arms, to leave behind tiny goosebumps.

"What are you doing up here," I ask him, between what felt like never ending breaths, it was weird talking to him whilst his arms were placed around me, don't get me wrong I like, or more like love it. Just knowing that I have somewhere there from me immediately makes me feel safe, Brendon can't hurt me when I'm in someone else's arms.

"Just came to the bathroom and I thought I heard someone crying," Jon tells me, immediately my cheeks turn horribly pink when he mentions the crying part. I mean I'm twenty two years old sobbing your heart out isn't normal at that age. Well that's what I think anyway, I cry more when I realize I'm crying, pretty stupid I know.

"Don't tell Brendon," I say, my voice is almost pleading with him, I can actually hear the pain in my own voice, the thought of Brendon finding out is flickering through my brain. It would only be a slap, punch, a chair thrown at me...

"Ryan, I think Brendon would want to know If your upset," Jon says to me but I just shake my head frantically, I try to block out the sound of his once beautiful voice and try and focus on the music still blasting through the speakers downstairs.

Feel proud of yourself Ryan, Jon is just another person you can soon add to your list of people you have lied to.

"Please don't even tell him you have been talking to me," I try to say to him, but I can feel my heart beat speeding up again, desperately trying to pump blood around my wrestles body. I can feel the pain shoot across my chest and my airway closing up. Great now I can't even breathe!

"God Ryan, your shaking," Jon blurts out, I swear I can hear a hint of concern in his voice and a stern, serious look wrinkle across his features. I think I cried more when I realize Brendon will never come close to being as kind and caring as Jon. Is it wrong to be falling for a boy I know nothing about and only just met?

"Please Jon, don't do this to me, don't tell him I'm begging you," I'm trying to talk to him but I can feel the hot tears streaming down my cheeks again, the heartache and pain being unleashed and spreading through every vein in my body. I knew the renewed happiness would not last long, Brendon can hurt me without doing anything to me. He's always lingering in my head, that intimidating smirk torturing me whenever I close my eyes.

"Ryan, just calm down, what's going on between you and Brendon," he asks me slowly, boy he must think I'm so damn pathetic. Can somebody tell me what to do, should I follow my heart and tell Jon, or follow my head and lie through my teeth like every other time.

Lie Ryan, you know you want to...

Just say, you don't want Brendon to worry about you.

It's as easy as that.

"Jon, I, well Brendon he..."

"Its okay Ryan, this is obviously a very personal matter you don't have to tell me anything," Jon explains to me, I feel the grip on my hand loosen, immediately I miss the feeling of his hand in mine. I can't just let him leave, I can't stand the thought of never seeing him again. Its now or never if I don't tell anyone about this soon enough, then this will never stop, do I really want my life to stay like this till the day I die. What could be extremely soon if I don't buck up my ideas pretty sharply.

"No Jon, please don't leave me..."

I see him turn around, a small smile graces his lips, wrinkling his cheeks. I actually hold out my arms like a small child wanting Jon to hold me, hug me, love me. I hear a small sigh break into the atmosphere before he walks over to me, sitting on the edge of the bed as he starts to twiddle his fingers and stare deep into his shoes. I take a rather large breath and swallow what felt like a golf ball sized lump in my throat before getting ready to let years or secrets spill from my trembling lips.

"Brendon abuses me."