Loving You Is Harder Than You Know
Chapter Seven
Ryan's P.O.V
"Jon say something, please," I sob hysterically, he's just sat there his face motionless, ghostly white, the twiddling of his fingers stops but yet he continues to stare into the carpet. He can't even look at me, maybe Jon isn't as different as I though he was. I thought he was going to be the one to make a difference to my life, he is supposed to stop the heartache, pain, tears not cause more.
"I can't understand Ryan, Brendon is one of the nicest people I know," he tells me quietly, if Jon wont believe me then who will. The whole situation is hopeless, what's the point in even thinking things will get better when everything is just falling apart. Maybe I was never meant to be happy, I was put on this earth to hurt and constantly feel like a dismal rain cloud is pouring down on me.
"You don't believe me" I say weakly, the last of my tears trickle down my cheeks, I see know point in crying anymore, crying wont solve any of my problems, it just shows how utterly pathetic I truly am.
"No Ryan, its just there is no proof and I can't go and confront Brendon about something I am completely clueless about," Jon explains to me, his voice has gone back to its original softness, the tone what causes shivers to travel down my spine.
Stop falling for him, he doesn't even believe you about Brendon!
"Well you were not in this very bedroom when he raped me yesterday," I tell him, this time scaring myself from the loudness of my own voice. I never knew I had someone evil or dark inside of me. Maybe its being unleashed, like I said Brendon has a constant negative affect on me. Maybe I am turning into him, I could actually be becoming what I fear. This is just more proof on how my temper keeps coming out to play.
"He raped you" Jon says sternly, his head lifts up quick as a flash, at an instant the carpet must have become less interesting to him as his wide eyes become in contact with mine. I look away trying to hide the warm tears forming in my eyes. Talking to someone about this sensitive topic is one of my weaknesses, just the thought makes me want to cry never ending tears. I have no idea what talking about this could do to me.
It could finish me off, maybe my heart just wont be able to take it.
"No Jon, I'm lying just like when I told you Brendon abuses me," I snap harshly not realizing how hurtful my comment actually was. Jon is only trying to help, but he didn't believe you. Great, now I'm arguing with myself, could my life possibly get any worse.
"Ryan how long as this been going on," Jon questions me, he reaches out his hand, I look at it for a few moments before reaching out my own shaking fingers and letting Jon cling on to it gently. His other hand wiping away the tears rolling from my eyes.
"I stopped counting the days years ago," I whisper, I try to ignore the throbbing pain in my heart, but it seems to take over me, encouraging tears to dramatically fall from my eyes. Jon must have realized the sudden burst of emotion from me because he picked me up and started rocking me back and firth in his arms like an over grown baby.
"Its going to be okay Ryan, I'll look after you," Jon whispers in my ear gently, I wrap my arms around his neck and nestle my head into it. This just feels so right, even if its so wrong. If Brendon saw this, well I don't want to even think about what would happen.
Everything is peacefully silent until, I hear the doorknob ratting crazily, I feel the familiar feeling of my heart trying to escape from my chest. Its Brendon, I can tell from the way the doorknob is being shook. He's more than angry, if he gets his hands on me he would kill me without having to think about it.
"Ryan open the door you little shit"
Jon quickly rushes around in his pocket and strangely pulls out a pen, he jots his number down on my hand, before going over to the door. I just shove my head into the pillow and sob my fragile heart out, what if Brendon hurts Jon, it would be all my fault. I can hear the door creak on its hinges and that's when I cover my ears, I don't want to hear Brendon's voice, I don't want to know Brendon anymore.
Do I actually love Brendon...
I can hear low mumblings and then somebody walking away, I'm praying to god that's its Brendon. I want Jon to walk back into this room and hold me in his arms. Not Brendon, with his harsh kisses and deadly grip on me. I pull my head out of the pillow to see Brendon stood at the doorway shaking his head at me in disappointment, I look at him with watery eyes but yet still see the evil covering every inch of his face. I'm trying to take slow breaths, I really don't want to hyperventilate if Brendon decided to attack me or raise his voice.
But he just slams the door shut, leaving me in total darkness, I gently stroke my hand tracing my fingers over Jon's untidy sprawl of his phone number.
"Jon say something, please," I sob hysterically, he's just sat there his face motionless, ghostly white, the twiddling of his fingers stops but yet he continues to stare into the carpet. He can't even look at me, maybe Jon isn't as different as I though he was. I thought he was going to be the one to make a difference to my life, he is supposed to stop the heartache, pain, tears not cause more.
"I can't understand Ryan, Brendon is one of the nicest people I know," he tells me quietly, if Jon wont believe me then who will. The whole situation is hopeless, what's the point in even thinking things will get better when everything is just falling apart. Maybe I was never meant to be happy, I was put on this earth to hurt and constantly feel like a dismal rain cloud is pouring down on me.
"You don't believe me" I say weakly, the last of my tears trickle down my cheeks, I see know point in crying anymore, crying wont solve any of my problems, it just shows how utterly pathetic I truly am.
"No Ryan, its just there is no proof and I can't go and confront Brendon about something I am completely clueless about," Jon explains to me, his voice has gone back to its original softness, the tone what causes shivers to travel down my spine.
Stop falling for him, he doesn't even believe you about Brendon!
"Well you were not in this very bedroom when he raped me yesterday," I tell him, this time scaring myself from the loudness of my own voice. I never knew I had someone evil or dark inside of me. Maybe its being unleashed, like I said Brendon has a constant negative affect on me. Maybe I am turning into him, I could actually be becoming what I fear. This is just more proof on how my temper keeps coming out to play.
"He raped you" Jon says sternly, his head lifts up quick as a flash, at an instant the carpet must have become less interesting to him as his wide eyes become in contact with mine. I look away trying to hide the warm tears forming in my eyes. Talking to someone about this sensitive topic is one of my weaknesses, just the thought makes me want to cry never ending tears. I have no idea what talking about this could do to me.
It could finish me off, maybe my heart just wont be able to take it.
"No Jon, I'm lying just like when I told you Brendon abuses me," I snap harshly not realizing how hurtful my comment actually was. Jon is only trying to help, but he didn't believe you. Great, now I'm arguing with myself, could my life possibly get any worse.
"Ryan how long as this been going on," Jon questions me, he reaches out his hand, I look at it for a few moments before reaching out my own shaking fingers and letting Jon cling on to it gently. His other hand wiping away the tears rolling from my eyes.
"I stopped counting the days years ago," I whisper, I try to ignore the throbbing pain in my heart, but it seems to take over me, encouraging tears to dramatically fall from my eyes. Jon must have realized the sudden burst of emotion from me because he picked me up and started rocking me back and firth in his arms like an over grown baby.
"Its going to be okay Ryan, I'll look after you," Jon whispers in my ear gently, I wrap my arms around his neck and nestle my head into it. This just feels so right, even if its so wrong. If Brendon saw this, well I don't want to even think about what would happen.
Everything is peacefully silent until, I hear the doorknob ratting crazily, I feel the familiar feeling of my heart trying to escape from my chest. Its Brendon, I can tell from the way the doorknob is being shook. He's more than angry, if he gets his hands on me he would kill me without having to think about it.
"Ryan open the door you little shit"
Jon quickly rushes around in his pocket and strangely pulls out a pen, he jots his number down on my hand, before going over to the door. I just shove my head into the pillow and sob my fragile heart out, what if Brendon hurts Jon, it would be all my fault. I can hear the door creak on its hinges and that's when I cover my ears, I don't want to hear Brendon's voice, I don't want to know Brendon anymore.
Do I actually love Brendon...
I can hear low mumblings and then somebody walking away, I'm praying to god that's its Brendon. I want Jon to walk back into this room and hold me in his arms. Not Brendon, with his harsh kisses and deadly grip on me. I pull my head out of the pillow to see Brendon stood at the doorway shaking his head at me in disappointment, I look at him with watery eyes but yet still see the evil covering every inch of his face. I'm trying to take slow breaths, I really don't want to hyperventilate if Brendon decided to attack me or raise his voice.
But he just slams the door shut, leaving me in total darkness, I gently stroke my hand tracing my fingers over Jon's untidy sprawl of his phone number.