Loving You Is Harder Than You Know

Ryan's P.O.V

The party ended ages ago.

Want to know how I know?

I'm the one tiding up the empty bottle of alcohol, sweeping away party streamers and trying to fix the television they pushed over last night. Oh and I'm still in this ridiculous waiter outfit, Brendon said I hardly showed it off yesterday and he paid ,apparently, a great amount of money on it. He decides when it leaves my battered body and I'm guessing that wont be anytime soon.

Jon's number is still on my hand, the ink has started to wear away already, I'm pretty sure if Brendon found it he would scrub it off until my hand turned red raw. Am I thinking about ringing him? Maybe, I guess the nerves circling my stomach don't help and the thought of Brendon finding out. I need to hear his voice again, its nice to have someone call me Ryan for a change no just you little shit. Its simple things like that what make me happy, I thought I was content with Brendon, but maybe I've been poisoned just like all the other people who class Brendon as a friend or lover in my case. I don't know whether I actually love him or my hearts faking it, maybe some part of my heart aches for Brendon occasionally. But that's not good enough, love should be beautiful, and heart warming.

My love for Brendon is forced, its not true love. Its false, fake and slipping away.

I threw the last of the glass bottles into the bag, what is going to burst if anymore garbage is forced into it, and decided to take a break. Brendon is sat in the living room, lazily flicking through the discovery channel, I made him his usual coffee he demands every day and then he ordered me to tidy up the wreckage from his stupid party as I class them. Quickly and silently, I made my way to the staircase, snatching the house phone from the table during the process and sneaking upstairs.

As soon as I stepped foot into my bedroom, I could see myself crouched in the corner, Jon sat with me his comforting arms wrapped around my shaking body. Sighing softy I shut the door behind me, locked it and took a moment to think about what I had actually done. I have never gone against Brendon's back and done things in secret I've never broke one of his precious rules, stepped a foot out of line. But Brendon wont let me anywhere near a phone, let alone talk to people who I class as my friends. But this is urgent, I need Jon. Even if I keep telling myself that I don't and Brendon should be the one I want, not loathe.

Dialing in the number, I hesitantly hover my finger over the call button before pressing it quickly and immediately shoving the phone to my ear. I walk over to the bed and flop down on it, starting to drum my fingers across my thigh. What if Jon does not answer? What if Brendon catches me? I just have to stay calm, and pray to god, Jon's voice floods into my ear.

"Hello."

"Jon, you answered I thought you weren't going to. Oh please tell me I haven't rung at an inappropriate time, its just Brendon made me tidy up and I really needed to talk to you..."

"Ryan, just breath okay," Jon laughs, I can already imagine the grin spread across his cheeks and that twinkle it his eyes. I smile to myself, it feels so good to smile! I sit crossed legged on the bed, staring dreamily into the plain white walls .Surely this must mean something, know other guy has had such a dramatic effect on me.

"I miss you Jon," I say quietly, the smile immediately is wiped from my face when I realize that talking to Jon on the phone could be the only way I will ever make contact with him. I only saw him yesterday but that's doesn't stop me from wanting to see him, crave him, wish I could be with him.

Why do I feel like this, why does Jon appeal to me so much!

"I miss you too Ryan," he replies calmly, his voice is so gentle, I really can't get over somebody talking to me without screaming or shouting. I feel truly terrible when I get over excited from people talking to me nicely, it opens my eyes to the horrible life I live and it hurts, so badly.

"Your not going to tell anybody are you," I ask him timidly, I chew on the inside of my lip, waiting for Jon's answer, I know that's he's going to answer in that tone what makes me heart melt. He could be swearing at me, insulting me, telling me how I worthless I am but if his used that voice I wouldn't give a care in the world.

"Ryan,"I...

"Don't," I snap, this time I feel the tears lingering in my tired eyes, I don't want to hurt Jon, but I can't deal with the questions asked, the commotion, even the look on Brendon's face if the truth was to come out.

""Look Ryan, I know your scared but just imagine what your life would be like without him," Jon says slowly, I think he's trying to get everything he said to register in my head. But my thoughts seem to thrashing about trying to escape and the sneering face of Brandon seems to control my head now, like I said he is always there.

Imagine what your life would be like without him.

"I'm not scared," I tell him harshly, the drumming off my fingers on my legs has stopped and turned to me dragging my nails up my free arm. Why do I feel so unconformable, its not as if I can see Jons heavenly face, maybe its the way he is so caring towards me. I don't deserve it, why should I get attention, Brendon gives me enough. Even if its negative, but that's beside the point.

"Yes you are."

"No I'm not."

"Don't lie to me."

"I'm not."

"Do you want me to put the phone down."

"No! Of course I'm scared Jon, is it so wrong not to want to admit that," I shout, the first few tears start to trickle down my face, the guilt washes through me. I hate crying, it shows how weak I am, how my confidence if shattered, how much I've changed. Oh and of course the thought of Brendon beating me when he sees the sorrow pouring from my eyes doesn't help.

"Its okay Ryan, I didn't mean to force you like that," Jon mumbles, it hits me straight away that his tone has changed and I don't like it at all. It does not feel right to hear Jon sound so quiet, down even.

"No it doesn't matter I was being stupid anyway," I reply, I have to force myself to grip onto the phone with all my strength because I'm shaking uncontrollably and trying to stop Jon from realizing I crying again. I try to hold back the tears but they are rushing from my eyes so dramatically it's impossible to put a stop to them.

"Ryan are you crying," Jon questions, I cam hear the concern evident in his voice, making me cry harder. Jon would hate to thing that he was part of the reason why I'm crying, but its not his fault really. It just me and my broken emotions, what are always trying to make me fall to pieces.

"No..."

"Right I'm coving over," Jon says sternly, I'm about to stop him but the phone goes dead. He hung up on me, I can't rebel, he's coming over and Brandon will be furious. The phone drops from my trembling hand and hits the carpet with a thud. I don't bother to wipe away the tears from my eyes, I just want to sit in the wardrobe and let the darkness surround me.

Brendon will smile at Jon slyly, let him come into our house, talk to me and then as soon as he leaves I will get the horrid aftermath. Jon thinks by coming to see me he's helping but obviously he is not. This kills me to say this but Jon could be the reason why I wake up in a hospital tomorrow.

This time I will truly say I am utterly petrified.