Sans Doute (Maybe)

Everyone walking and breathing has a life, and every life has a beginning and an end. I guess it’s obvious that when you die, you don’t want to feel disappointed with what you did (it would feel kind of horrible). Which is why people have always looked for something to live for. I think people live to keep living…which would be the same as saying they live to be around forever.

Think about it: throughout the ages, people have created countries, painted things, founded religions, fought wars, written books, so they would be remembered after their deaths. Getting married and having kids is another way of sticking around. Even talking to other people, getting along with them and making friends, is done so you’ll have someone to cherish your memory. I’m not saying there aren’t people who won’t do amazing things to help others. But the motive, albeit unintentional, is to live forever in some way. To be remembered. Maybe, to not feel like you were here for nothing. Which, in my opinion, says a lot about how scared of death we are. Probably because it’s the only thing you can never actually know anything about (until you go through it – but who’s to say death isn’t just…ceasing to exist? Like before you were born, and if so, even after dying, you wouldn’t know what you had just gone through. No one ever would).

Ok, please don’t imagine me as some stuck-up wannabe philosopher laughing in every other stupid human being’s face. I guess I’m afraid of death too. But being remembered after I die doesn’t appeal to me much, to be honest. I wouldn’t want to remember myself. And in a way, I do hope life is ceasing to exist…I hate the idea of lying on a cloud forever and ever thinking about my poor excuse for a life.

And no, this doesn’t mean I’m a whiny depressed teenage girl obsessing over not getting asked out, not hanging with the cool kids, or not looking like at least 70% of whatever celebrity is trendy right now. It’s just that usually I feel like I’m going nowhere. Nothing happens, ever. I go to school everyday and it always feels the same. What the teachers say sounds exactly the same ever since I started school twelve years ago. Sure, I know I didn’t have Algebra in the second grade, but it feels like I always have.

And what’s worse isn’t just this feeling of going nowhere; it’s the feeling of not being able to escape. I’m starting college in a year, and I just know I’ll spend three years of my life studying something useless and uninteresting, eventually get a job in some office, find some poor desperate soul who won’t mind being stuck with me for the rest of his life, bear his kids, whatever interest or coolness I have now will slowly start to fade away, and then I’ll have to clean the house every single day (and then it’ll feel like I always have), try and probably fail to be a mom, and then wait for my death.

This is my prediction and I’m sticking to it. So yeah, I don't want to be remembered.