My Heart Says That I Just Can't Quit

"Come to give me another lecture, Mom?" Devin bitterly asked when I tapped on the windshield of, might I add, my truck.

"You cannot tell me that you think what you're doing is ethical in the very least bit," I retorted, taking a moment from my everlasting joy to be stern with her.

"Is it my fault I can't choose?" she then said, unlocking the doors as she crawled out from the small space of the backseat and into the passenger seat.

"Yes," I answered simply, starting the engine and fastening my seatbelt in one swift motion. "Look, if you really don't feel anything for Jayk anymore, it's fine with me. Like you said last night, what you do with Jayk is none of my business. But that doesn't mean you start cheating with Thomas! That's when it becomes my business.

"And another thing. I can't even believe Thomas would agree to this," I added as I began to back out of the parking space and follow the already moving VFC van.

Devin was silent as she folded up her blanket and threw it in the back with the rest of her luggage (I'm assuming she put it in there while I was asleep) and pillow.

"Oh, Devin! Now you're just hurting the both of them!"

"I know," she sullenly shouted, "But... I can't tell Jayk. He just seems so... So... Happy. Thomas just assumed we broke up when I called him last night, so technically I'm not lying."

"He's not going to be happy for long..."

"I know," she repeated.

"Thomas, too."

"I know."

"You say you know, but no Devin, you don't! If you did you wouldn't be doing this."

"At least I'm in charge of the relationship. Not some doormat for David to step over to get to Kelly," Devin countered quietly.

As I rolled up to the stoplight in front of us, I slowly turned my head toward Devin, the back of my eyes stinging as I tried to hold back tears. I knew she was right, but hearing it aloud just added a sort of reality to the situation.

"It's green," she told me, the regret and sympathy prominent in her voice. "Are you mad at me now?"

I inhaled when I stepped back on the gas pedal and exhaled just as softly, letting the air wash out my sorrow. "No. I'm mad at myself really for not doing anything."

The tension in the cab of my truck picked up and I knew Devin wanted to talk about our boy troubles as much as I did. A few minutes rolled by and we'd forgotten all about them.

"So, I saw that little moment you had with Davie," Devin finally said with a small grin.

I laughed a bit. "You did?"

"Yeah, you looked like you were going to explode as soon as he walked away," she explained with a giggle. I chuckled right along with her.

After another short silence I was first to speak.

"So, what exactly did you and Thomas do last night?" I inquired a little awkwardly.

From the corner of my eye, I saw she shot me somewhat of an amused look. "First, tell me what you told the guys."

I chortled as I remember my panicked moment. How all the words were just spilling out the moment I thought of them. "That you were getting tampons."

"What?" she snorted bending over a bit in her seat.

"Yeah," I confirmed, still laughing a bit, "And since Drew saw that Thomas was gone he thought that I meant you and him were getting the tampons together."

Devin laughed even harder then and slapped her knee. "Now that, my friend, is a knee-slapper. What'd you say after that?"

I turned into a gas station behind the guys' van and cut the engine as they piled out of their vehicle. "Well, I said he was getting guy stuff and it was just a mere coincidence."

"God! And they believed that?" she questioned, her laughter dying down a tiny amount while she unbuckled her seatbelt. "You're such a horrible liar. You know that?"

"Just under pressure. But I think Drew suspected something. Jayk and David were totally oblivious."

"What about Bobby?"

"I didn't see him," I answered, also unbuckling my own seatbelt.

"Guys!" Drew suddenly shouted, somehow right outside my window at the time.

Alarmed, Devin and I jumped in our seats, a jolt running through my whole body and most likely hers too.

"What is it, Drew?" I asked, a mixture of irritation and caution in my tone as I opened the door.

"We can't find Bobby!" he responded hysterically.

"Are you sure he's not just back at the hotel," I suggested, "I mean, if he is I can just turn around and get him."

"Maybe, but he's not answering his phone either."

"Well, that's a problem," Devin commented, hopping out of the truck at the same time I did.

The three of us walked over to the little group that stood outside of their van and was also joined by Thomas who appeared inside the van, holding a Blackberry above his head. "I know why he wasn't answering his phone," he slowly proclaimed, a trace amount of humor in his voice.

"Jayk, didn't you see him in your room last night?" David asked, an arm constricted around Kelly's waist as to not lose her like we did Bobby. Just remember your promise. Remember your promise, I continuously thought to myself.

Jayk bit his lip while he thought back then looked up at us. "Nah, he wasn't in the room that whole night. I just thought he was with Charlie or something."

"Yeah, Charlie. You were with him last," Drew recalled from the dinner fiasco.

My hands shot up in defense. No, this was not my fault. Not this time. "Hey, he walked me to my room and said he was going back to his, too. I have no idea where he could've gone."

"Well, shit. This gets us exactly back where we started," their tour manager, Tim, said walking around to the other side of the van. "I'll call the hotel to ask if he's there."

We stayed in our little group and waited for a miracle to happen. I really was worried about Bobby, but my eyes and mind were fixated on David the whole time. Kelly... That skank. There were a few times where David looked at me too and he'd smile. Probably because I wasn't ripping his girlfriend's throat out, but I'd like to think that it really was a genuine "you're amazing" smile.

"They say they haven't seen anyone that fit his description since when we first checked in..." Tim reported gloomily. The group sighed in unison.

"Okay, let's split up," Drew said after a while, "Tim, David, Kelly, and I will take the van. Thomas, Jayk, and Devin can go on foot. Charlie, you'll be fine by yourself in your truck, right?"

I nodded. But that was the least I can say for Devin. As everyone began to part ways, Devin turned around behind Jayk and Tom's backs and with a very desperate expression mouthed, "For the love of God, HELP ME!"

I snorted and crossed my arms. "You got yourself into this."

She grimaced and turned around, catching up with the other two in that love triangle. I strolled over to my car and drove out of the gas station, heading for the hotel again. I was sure he'd be there because where else would he have gone? After all, the hotel was just a stop alongside the highway and he didn't have a separate car. Then again, we did go to and from the restaurant in a taxi the other night...

Cutting off some person, I made a sharp turn into an exit off the highway and changed course to the restaurant. It didn't take long to arrive and I parked in the little lot they had reserved in the back. When I went inside I sped past the matre'dee and was quick to be yelled and scolded at, but as I was being carried out -- very roughly I might add -- I scanned the room and saw nothing of Bobby. The two burly men let me go outside and shut the door on me, but I proceeded back to my car. I hadn't gone far in the unheard-of town until I found a park within walking distance of the restaurant. It was worth a try to look for him there since the only other place in walking distance was a porno shop and I didn't even want to think about innocent, little Bobby going inside "XXX Factory."

I drove around the little square of green, peering at all the little kids like a pedophile while I searched for one that resembled Bobby's and soon those children began to flee with their parents, but could you really blame me? All the spaces to park were taken so I really didn't have another choice. It wasn't until almost everyone cleared out that I spotted a dark-haired boy just sitting on one of the benches; he was all alone. I found a place to park on the curb where a mother had just pulled out and lightly ran to that bench. Bobby didn't even look up when I approached him.

"What'cha doing all by yourself?" I asked with some humor as I sat down.

He was not alarmed to hear my voice, but when I did seat myself next to him, he moved so fast I didn't even feel it when he tackled me in a warm and delighted embrace. "Thank God you guys didn't leave me!"

I managed to slip an arm out from his vise-grip lock and patted his back gently. "Why would we ever leave you? We were actually wondering why you left us."

He let go and grinned like a little kid. "I went to get breakfast at that restaurant. Room service was getting a little too heavy on my wallet." I nodded in truth. "But when I got back my stupid card key wouldn't work and you guys were gone."

I laughed. "Sorry to hear that. But I'm here now, so let's go because I'm starting to get cold," I suggested, hugging my bare arms as the goose bumps began to rise. "No one said it'd be cold today."

Bobby shrugged out of his jacket and held it out. "You need it more than I do," he commented, a small grin playing on his lips.

Gratefully, I nabbed it – maybe a little too violently -- then slipped right into it. The arms and bodice of the hoodie were loose on my tiny figure, -- comparing to Bobby's anyway -- but it provided me with warmth nonetheless. For an extra boost, Bobby also wrapped an arm around my shoulders when we were up and going. I pulled out my phone and texted everyone telling of my finding once we were in my car and I drove back to the gas station where we agreed to re-gather.

When I pulled up everyone was crowding my truck. It was even more hectic when Bobby actually got out of the car.

"Bobby," Devin screamed while smothering him in her arms, "Bobby where were you?"

"Yeah man," Thomas joined in, ruffling his hair, "You gave us quite a scare."

Everyone else hugged him too, aside from Tim who chose to keep his distance, not being as close to him as we all were, and myself, who'd felt a little bitter for some reason. "Guys," I said, "He wasn't gone for long. He just went for breakfast, geeze."

"I sense a little jealousy," Devin remarked, staring at me with accusing eyes over Bobby's shoulders.

I could feel my cheeks begin to warm and everyone's eyes were suddenly on them. "Jealous of what?" I asked curiously, trying out my innocent act.

She smirked, seeing right through me, and let go of Bobby, going around him to put a hand on my shoulder and whispered, "You like Bobby."

Involuntarily, I gasped, which caused the guys to stare in wonder. "I do not!" I protested defensively; now their eyebrows were raised, question and confusion splattered all across their faces. Bobby and David's the most, I observed.

She, then, also noticed this sudden abundance of attention and being the attention whore she is, spoke her next words aloud. Might I add they were almost to the point of shouting? "We'll talk about it later. Now come on men, you have a show to do tonight and we are already behind on travel time."

They rushed to get to the car then, like statues suddenly brought to life and experiencing everything for the first time. As we laughed at the human train wreck that was the boys trying to get into the van all at once, Devin and I calmly took our seats in my truck and waited for Tim to lead the way.

"God I hate driving all the time," I said as we started to get back on the road, "I can't wait till they get a tour bus…"

"So you can sneak into Bobby's bunk?" Devin instigated humorously. Only I didn't find it as funny.

"What? No…" was the lame excuse I cooked up. She laughed even more.

When she was able to suppress her giggles, Devin came back with her counterargument. "That my friend is denial! Come on, I can see how you look at him. Hell, how he looks at you. You guys are totally falling for each other.

"And hell, I say it's a good thing you're moving on from David."

I sucked in my break. Getting over David was never going to be an option for me. How could she even contemplate such heresy? "Not possible," I choked out, finally letting the breath go.

"Way possible," she continued, "I mean, he's found a girlfriend. In your mind you can't accept that, but your heart is saying 'What the hell, I love him so I'm glad he's happy'. All the while, it has found a new mate for you and, well, it's calling out for Bobby."

"You're one strange gal, you know that?"

"Right I do," she answered triumphantly.

More than ready to change the conversation, I decided to focus on her, something she's more than willing to do at any time. "So, how'd it go with your search party?"

She grunted. "Probably the worst day of my life."

"Oh come on, it couldn't have been that bad," I objected, prompting for more details.

Devin laughed, only in a sarcastic way. "Oh, but it was. First, Jayk puts his arm around my waist."

"Well he is your boyfriend…" I interjected.

"Don't interrupt!" she snapped.

When I sank down in my seat a little, she took a moment of silence to test if I'd truly be quiet. Once I'd passed she carried on with her story. "Anyway, so his arm is around my waist and I'm totally walking in between the both of them and Thomas takes notice.

"Remember, he has no clue. So we're walking and Tom decides to take my hand. I have to admit, feeling Jayk's huge bicep and Thomas's heavenly touch at the same time is basically orgasmic."

I snorted involuntarily at that word. Orgasm, ha; sometimes I can just be way too immature.

She glared, but chose to ignore my disruption this time. "Now Jayk sees and uses the arm that's around my waist to hit Tom in the back of the head and is all, 'What are you doing man?' Thomas then looks at him and is like, 'Holding my girl's hand, what are you doing?'

"That's when I start to panic, because, well… Yeah. So I pushed the both of them off, but they didn't seem to notice because now they were staring daggers at each other. I tried reasoning, but then Jayk said all angry and stuff, 'You're girl? I don't know if you noticed but we've been dating for quite a while.'

"Hopelessly hot and ignorant Thomas was then like, 'Dude, no, you guys broke up,' or something like that and then Jayk completely stops walking and was all, 'SINCE WHEN?' Thank God you texted me when you did because they totally forgot about it after that."

"Hence they're not ripping out each other's throats," I concluded.

"Exactly."

"No comment," I said pulling over to the side of the road, "Now switch with me because I didn't get a wink of sleep."