I Don't Wanna Be in Love

Around four in the morning Ember got a text from Jacoby telling her it was going to be a late night in the studio and for her to not wait up for him. He told her he’d stay over at one of the guys’ places and see her in the late morning, forgetting she works the afternoon shift today. Ember didn’t reply to his text and she figured he’d believe she was already asleep-but she wasn’t. Ember practiced what she was going to say to him and what she was going to be saying to Matt.

Ember isn’t quite sure how this all is going to work out, but she has made a decision.

“I’ll stay at a hotel for the next couple nights, see how he handles the situation and then see where we can go from there.” She says looking at her packed overnight bag. “I’ve rehearsed my lines; I think I’m ready for the performance.” She says, giving the clock a glance before taking her bag in her hand and heading for the front door.

“I’ll be back in a couple days,” She whispers to her house, looking at the small details in the living room.

With the key in the lock she gives it a turn and turns her back on the life she created here.

On one half of the street everything seems to be glowing a little brighter but on the other half everything seems to have this darker overshadow. “If this doesn’t work out he’ll still be there…This might not have to be a goodbye. Just a see you later…”

________________________________________________________________________

“She’s leaving her boyfriend for you?” Val asks blankly, sitting across from Matt on his loveseat. He called her half an hour ago with what he described as urgent news and he needed her over ASAP.

“That makes it sound-“

“What, bad? There’s no other way to put that. How long has she been in a relationship with this guy?”

“About three years or something…”

“Matt don’t you think she might need a break to clear her head?”

“She doesn’t think she needs to. She wants me and she doesn’t want sneak around like some whore and I really don’t want to be some mistress…”

“Have you asked her if she needs any time? That’s nearly fucking crazy-“

“Why, because we aren’t wasting time with maybe feelings? We’re living in the moment of-“

“Save that shit. Impulses like that burn out and leave people damaged. I’ve seen it enough times on you.”

“This is you being over protected…” Matt says, standing up and shoving his hands in his pockets as he leans against the wall. Looking intently into Valary’s face for some break in what she’s saying.

“You like her, I get that. But after she possibly breaks this poor guy’s heart can’t you guys just be friends for awhile? Why rush into it if she’s single? Do you think some other guy will interest her the way you did?” A small growl escapes from Matt’s lips as his lips tightly curl into a thin snarl. And a moment later his lips recoil back into a limp, child like pout. “I didn’t mean to make it sound like that-“

“Yes you did. You never approve of the girls that catch my attention.”

“That’s because they always hurt you! I didn’t mean that against her, I meant that against the situation. I’m just trying to be here for you-“

“Then be happier, more uplifting. That’s why I called you over, to tell you my good news.”

“What, you were going to tell me and I’d high five you and we’d have a beer? I’m not one of the guys. Not this time.”

“Val,”

“Matt I love you; I’m just looking out for you. Now all that set aside, I’m happy for you. …I’m glad you aren’t some mistress…” She says with a smile, getting up and walking across the little area to hug him around the middle.

“Thank you, I love that you love me.” He says placing what he thinks is a friendly kiss on the top of her head.

Why do guys do that? Why does he do that? She screams in her head. I’m the best friend first and the possible girlfriend second. No make that third; I’m one of the guys second. She continues thinking, not being able to shut up that inner voice.

Some days it isn’t so hard, being around Matt and just being his friend. But other days, the days he has girlfriends, those are the tough ones. Because he doesn’t realize the effect he has on her nor does he realize the little things that he does mean different things to her. And she’s tried so hard to just push it aside but it’s getting tougher, and she’s done it so many times and there have been so many opportunities where she could have been his girl…But she believes in giving him his time. And by the time he’s had it, there’s a new girl. And Val is left being the friend again…

________________________________________________________________________

“This is Ember and I am out, I’ll catch you guys same time tomorrow, busting out the classic jams that you might have been conceived to.” She hits the off air button a second later then relaxes back in her chair, thinking for a moment about what is going to be happening next.

“Hey Ember, you’ve got a visitor.” Her co worker, who is taking the next shift, says as he walks in.

“Who?”

“Your boyfriend.” Damn…wait…I wonder which one it is? She thinks to herself as she gets out of her seat. She tells Jerry thanks before heading off towards where a boyfriend was waiting.

“Hey babe, I thought I’d stop by to see you and then I realized you get off now, don’t you?” It’s Jacoby, standing there with his hands in his pockets, the eyeliner worn around his eyes perfect down to a T and his hair straightened in every direction it could go. “Wanna’ go grab lunch? I’m sorry about last night-“

“I actually...have something to do…” Ember focuses on not letting her voice break, he’d know immediately something was wrong and then she’d have to go about this in a whole other way.

“Oh alright-“

“Come on,” She says taking his hand freely and leading him to the exit with her.

“How about dinner?”

“Jacoby, there’s something I need to do and I really need you to understand.” She says immediately, before the courageous feeling that’s empowering her, wares off. Before walking out of the booth, she placed a folded envelope in her front jean pocket; she now reaches for it and puts it in the hand she took hold of back inside.

“Is there something wrong-“

“No, just please understand, okay? And I’m sorry if you don’t.” She leans up and kisses his cheek, he deserves at least that much she thinks to herself. And then that other voice, the one that belongs to the angel on her shoulder, whispers maybe that wasn’t such a good idea. She gave him a last taste of what he will no longer have and he could hold on to that unhealthily.

“I have to go now.” She says, strongly. I’m not going to cry here, she commands herself. Without waiting a response from him he, she turns around and walks to her car, it’s already unlocked thankfully and she just gets in. Turning the key and pulling out in what seems like record time, and as soon as she pulled out of the parking lot the first of many tears begin falling. Tears of happiness of being free or tears of mistake that might start the domino effect?

Jacoby stood there with the folded piece of papers, completely puzzled of what just happened. After a few minutes of staring at the empty parking space he decides to open up the envelope. Inside is a folded sheet of lined paper. A note.

Dear Jacoby,
Let me start off by saying thank you. You’ve done so much for me that you will always be someone close to me. And I’ll totally understand if you don’t want me in your life anymore, but I’ll always be here for you. We were friends first and I hope we can stay that way even though we might have come to an end. I love you, I do. But before I settle down with you I have to know that I’m in love with you and only you. I need a break to make sure. Because I don’t want to be the girl that meets someone else and leaves you hanging after we get married or something…that can’t be taken back. I hope you understand. I’m doing this for us. I need to know. I need to make sure. And maybe you should do it to.
Yours, Ember.