I Don't Wanna Be in Love

The lights are all off in the little apartment, on the outside it doesn’t even look as if anyone is home, but someone is. A man lies on the hallway floor, in a crumple. His previous beautiful appearance is now wrecked with grieving that’s spread through each and every pore. His hands have run through his hair hundreds of times, pulling out strands here and there in the process, the eyeliner that was worn earlier flawlessly, is now crinkled around his red puffy eyes and streamed down his tan, sullen face. The note that brought this all upon lies in the bottom of his car, in a heap of rumples. Jacoby Shaddix is heartbroken.

The instant she pulled out of the parking lot, without a look back, he knew she wouldn’t come back. After his eyes ran across every word she wrote he hoped for a millisecond that it was a gag but that hope diminished rapidly. His heart not only sank after her car was out of view but it also fell apart, cut up his stomach with its sharp broken bits and ratcheted around and around as he drove back to his apartment.

He checked their room to see if anything was gone and sure enough she had taken some of her things, he stumbled into the bathroom and vomited until he nearly passed out from the lack of oxygen. He didn’t think he had ever thrown up that hard before in his life, and he’s had experience there.

He then had crawled out of the bathroom pathetically, after getting a scent of her perfume. And that’s where he now lies, in the hallway, unable to carry himself any further. Every thought is running through his head, every memory and all the questions from why and how. This just doesn’t feel right, it just can’t be right.

He needs her, doesn’t she see that? “She needs time, she needs space,” He whispers, recalling her letter. His words are hoarse and he can barely make them out, they’re fogged in his ears. His words come out as if they’re spoken under water, he doesn’t even know he’s saying them. He’s like in this trance of shock and loneliness. He’s lost.

It’ll get better though right? She says she’ll be back, so why does this hurt so much? Why does she need space? Is it something I done? I thought I was changing…Maybe it wasn’t soon enough. But she’ll be back and I can be better by then. I will be better by then. Dammit, why won’t the aching pains go away? Why won’t they just stop?

With all the pressures of the pain inside his body and all the thoughts running through his mind, he curls up in fetal position and tries to coax the pain to go away. He didn’t know it was possible to hurt this badly, and to think it might not even be permanent.

He left the ring in his pocket on the drive home; it weighed a ton as he got ready to propose and weighed even more once she turned her back and left. He tossed it aside when he made it through the door, after digging it out of his pocket with trembling fingers. He couldn’t bring himself to open it and look at the beauty of it and the false happiness it no longer held.

Am I going to fall asleep? To drift off and let this place this pain on hold, I don’t want to feel this.

He’s sobs, his head almost violently rocking back and forth against the carpet. His face is burning against the blue harshness and a light shade of red blossoms up through his face as he continues rocking. His tears burn his dry eyes; he can feel the whiteness in them disappearing and being replaced with redness.

“Hey there, you are very gorgeous.” Says the guy with a sincere smile worn on his face, he takes her hand gently after she smiles back, and kisses her knuckles tenderly.

“Hello,”

“I couldn’t help notice you from across the room and to continue noticing you, I just had to come over and introduce myself.”

“I see, and well you are?” She asks with a giggle.

“Jacoby,” He says, giving back her hand.

“Well hi Jacoby, I’m Ember, it’s nice to meet you.”

“That’s a beautiful name for a beautiful girl,” Her eyes advert to the floor with the second compliment as her cheeks light up in a vivid tone of pink. “Mind if I get you a drink?”

“Not at all.”

So Jacoby gets Ember a drink and they start talking. He’s just so funny, charming and cute, she thinks to herself. They’re really hitting it off as the time passes. She finds herself liking him before the night is over and he finds himself liking her too. He asks for her number and she gladly gives it out, in return for his.

That night he texts her, not being able to get her out of his mind, they go on all night back and forth through texts until she boldly calls him and continues the conversation into midmorning hours. They agree to meet for lunch sometime later, and continue to hit it off.

By the end of the week he’s taken her out on two dates and has asked her to be his. He’s scared and excited by this girl; feeling like he’s already fell for her. Jacoby wasn’t one for believing in love at first site but now he’s thinking he was wrong. But he takes it slow, as slow as he possibly can. Not wanting to scare her off, he’s not sure if she’s into him as much as he’s into her.

But she is; she herself can’t believe it but its happening. She’s ninety-nine point nine percent sure her feelings are real and this isn’t some dud relationship.

It took a month for him to crack and tell her that he was in love with her and she returned his love, feeling the exact same. It felt intense, refreshing, exciting, vibrant, warm, all these words and more and they both felt complete.

In seven months she moved in, he asked her and she said yes before he could even finish getting the sentence out. They were so in love, everyone could see it. Like those diamond commercials only these people were real and their feelings were real.

So when would he propose?

Jacoby recalls when he first met Ember, he spent half an hour staring at her from across the room, getting up the nerve to go over and just talk to her. He felt she was different, so he got nervous, but after spending that night with her, talking, he hadn’t needed to be nervous at all.

Did I wait too long to propose? After three years…maybe that’s what changed her mind…maybe I made her second guess me. How could I do that? How could I throw us away?

His fingers scratch at his temples as he tries his hardest to stop thinking these thoughts, but they just won’t shut up.

It’s not a goodbye, it’s a be back later. She will be back and we’ll get married. I just have to save the ring and wait for her.

Does he know how pathetic he sounds? It’s so sad. How could someone put another person through that kind of pain? Then again maybe she is saving him pain. What would happen if he caught her with Matt? Would he feel any different then he does now? Maybe he’d be angry with her, disgusted with her. In her own way maybe she did what was best for him. Over the last few months, even before Matt, Ember sorta started falling out of love with Jacoby. Or that’s at least what she was trying to tell herself this morning when she wrote that letter, packed her bags and quit the life she was building with Jacoby.