Enigma
What If It Isn't?
I stood and walked away from the computer; one step at a time until I reach my bed. I fell into the soft covers and buried my head under my pillow.
Is it jealousy that makes me feel like this? Because I’m jealous of Stacey and the fact that she has Strider? I sniffed loudly and swallowed the tears that I could feel building. I suppose that is a plausible answer.
But I hate it. Stupid Stacey. She’s ruined everything.
I scowled and lifted my head and ran my hands over my face. I shouldn’t be blaming Stacey for this. My problem may concern her, but she isn’t really the problem.
I’m the damn problem. Because I couldn’t control myself I lost my first friend. I sniffed again and the tears started to run down my cheeks. I wiped them away and pushed myself up off my bed. I walked over to the door where my towel hung on a hook and then walked across to the bathroom.
It was thankfully empty and I shut the door behind me before turning on the lights. The seemed brighter than usual and I narrowed my eyes against the bright glare that reflected from the white surfaces of the room. I draped my towel over the towel rack and undressed. My hands shook slightly as they turned on the shower. I let the water run for a moment, allowing it to become almost scorching hot before I stepped in and slid the glass door shut.
The water streamed down onto me and I closed my eyes. My tears mingled with the shower water as I stood there, crying silently.
If only I could just talk to Strider without always feeling so confused; he’s my friend, but I hate him, he annoys me, but I…
I what? I opened my eyes and stared at the glass, now completely fogged so that I couldn’t even see the bathroom. I rubbed my hands over my face and turned so that the water sprayed directly onto my face.
I like him? Seriously, it can’t be that. Liking someone cannot explain why I feel the way I do. But I just can’t believe that I love him. I don’t understand how I could ever love someone that I’ve only talked to through the internet. It doesn’t make sense to me. It just doesn’t.
A loud knocking caused me to turn around quickly, almost losing my balance on the wet tiles.
“Annette! Other people want to have showers too you know!” Courtney shouted through the door.
I turned off the water and stepped out of the shower. I wrapped my towel tightly around me and picked up my clothes from the floor.
“Sorry,” I muttered as I opened the door.
Courtney didn’t reply as she shoved past me and shut the door forcefully.
I wandered back to my room and changed into pyjamas. I hung up my towel and was turning to get into bed when the pain hit.
My abdomen felt as if it had exploded and I doubled over from the force of it. A low grunt left my lips as I fell to the ground. I tensed again as another painful spasm overcame me, this time further up towards my chest. I cried out as my head began to throb and my body cramped again.
My heart hammered as the spasms gradually subsided. I tentatively pushed myself off the floor and walked to my door. I eased my way down the stairs, the cramping building slightly in my abdomen again. I bit my lip as I stumbled into the kitchen. I searched the cupboards for some painkillers and eventually found some.
I quickly swallowed them and rested against the bench. These were far worse than any cramps that I had experienced before. And it certainly wasn’t that time of the month. I grimaced as I could feel my muscles tensing into tight knots. My head felt heavy as it pounded. My stomach heaved and I swung around just in time.
I vomited heavily into the kitchen sink. Mum hurried in when she heard my retching and pulled my hair away from my face. Her fingers ran over my back as I gasped for air before vomiting again.
As slowly as the cramping had stopped, my stomach finally emptied itself. As I reached forwards to turn on the taps, my hands were shaking and I could see a slight sheen to them.
The water ran into the sink and I turned around. Mum offered me a glass of water and I took it gratefully because of the foul taste in my mouth. I only took a few small sips though, not wanting to make myself sick again.
“What happened?” Mum was at the sink, cleaning. “Annette?”
I turned to face her and propped myself up against the fridge. “I don’t know. I just came down for some painkillers because I had a headache and I was just sick.” I told her, editing the truth. I knew that if I told her everything, she would start to fret and think that it was something more serious than it is. Every time that something was wrong with me, she would always worry that it was something to do with the way that I am and before I could say ‘no’ she would be bundling me into the car to take me to hospital ‘just in case’.
She walked over and smoothed my hair back from my face. “Are you sure? There isn’t anything else you want to tell me?”
I nodded slowly and forced a smile for her. “Yes, I’m sure.” She kissed my forehead and pulled me into a hug. “Mum, if it was something really bad, I would tell you. Honest.”
She sighed as she let me go. “Of course. Well, take something with you to bed, just in case.” I nodded and waited as she searched for a bucket. Finding one, she handed it to me and I walked back to my room.
I slowly lay down in bed and pulled the covers up to my chin. The bucket sat beside my bed on the floor. I turned off the light beside my bed and stared into the darkness.
It’ll have passed by tomorrow. It always does. I bit my lip, trying to convince myself of what I was thinking. It’s just a bug or something.
But I couldn’t stop a darker thought entering my mind. What if it isn’t?
Is it jealousy that makes me feel like this? Because I’m jealous of Stacey and the fact that she has Strider? I sniffed loudly and swallowed the tears that I could feel building. I suppose that is a plausible answer.
But I hate it. Stupid Stacey. She’s ruined everything.
I scowled and lifted my head and ran my hands over my face. I shouldn’t be blaming Stacey for this. My problem may concern her, but she isn’t really the problem.
I’m the damn problem. Because I couldn’t control myself I lost my first friend. I sniffed again and the tears started to run down my cheeks. I wiped them away and pushed myself up off my bed. I walked over to the door where my towel hung on a hook and then walked across to the bathroom.
It was thankfully empty and I shut the door behind me before turning on the lights. The seemed brighter than usual and I narrowed my eyes against the bright glare that reflected from the white surfaces of the room. I draped my towel over the towel rack and undressed. My hands shook slightly as they turned on the shower. I let the water run for a moment, allowing it to become almost scorching hot before I stepped in and slid the glass door shut.
The water streamed down onto me and I closed my eyes. My tears mingled with the shower water as I stood there, crying silently.
If only I could just talk to Strider without always feeling so confused; he’s my friend, but I hate him, he annoys me, but I…
I what? I opened my eyes and stared at the glass, now completely fogged so that I couldn’t even see the bathroom. I rubbed my hands over my face and turned so that the water sprayed directly onto my face.
I like him? Seriously, it can’t be that. Liking someone cannot explain why I feel the way I do. But I just can’t believe that I love him. I don’t understand how I could ever love someone that I’ve only talked to through the internet. It doesn’t make sense to me. It just doesn’t.
A loud knocking caused me to turn around quickly, almost losing my balance on the wet tiles.
“Annette! Other people want to have showers too you know!” Courtney shouted through the door.
I turned off the water and stepped out of the shower. I wrapped my towel tightly around me and picked up my clothes from the floor.
“Sorry,” I muttered as I opened the door.
Courtney didn’t reply as she shoved past me and shut the door forcefully.
I wandered back to my room and changed into pyjamas. I hung up my towel and was turning to get into bed when the pain hit.
My abdomen felt as if it had exploded and I doubled over from the force of it. A low grunt left my lips as I fell to the ground. I tensed again as another painful spasm overcame me, this time further up towards my chest. I cried out as my head began to throb and my body cramped again.
My heart hammered as the spasms gradually subsided. I tentatively pushed myself off the floor and walked to my door. I eased my way down the stairs, the cramping building slightly in my abdomen again. I bit my lip as I stumbled into the kitchen. I searched the cupboards for some painkillers and eventually found some.
I quickly swallowed them and rested against the bench. These were far worse than any cramps that I had experienced before. And it certainly wasn’t that time of the month. I grimaced as I could feel my muscles tensing into tight knots. My head felt heavy as it pounded. My stomach heaved and I swung around just in time.
I vomited heavily into the kitchen sink. Mum hurried in when she heard my retching and pulled my hair away from my face. Her fingers ran over my back as I gasped for air before vomiting again.
As slowly as the cramping had stopped, my stomach finally emptied itself. As I reached forwards to turn on the taps, my hands were shaking and I could see a slight sheen to them.
The water ran into the sink and I turned around. Mum offered me a glass of water and I took it gratefully because of the foul taste in my mouth. I only took a few small sips though, not wanting to make myself sick again.
“What happened?” Mum was at the sink, cleaning. “Annette?”
I turned to face her and propped myself up against the fridge. “I don’t know. I just came down for some painkillers because I had a headache and I was just sick.” I told her, editing the truth. I knew that if I told her everything, she would start to fret and think that it was something more serious than it is. Every time that something was wrong with me, she would always worry that it was something to do with the way that I am and before I could say ‘no’ she would be bundling me into the car to take me to hospital ‘just in case’.
She walked over and smoothed my hair back from my face. “Are you sure? There isn’t anything else you want to tell me?”
I nodded slowly and forced a smile for her. “Yes, I’m sure.” She kissed my forehead and pulled me into a hug. “Mum, if it was something really bad, I would tell you. Honest.”
She sighed as she let me go. “Of course. Well, take something with you to bed, just in case.” I nodded and waited as she searched for a bucket. Finding one, she handed it to me and I walked back to my room.
I slowly lay down in bed and pulled the covers up to my chin. The bucket sat beside my bed on the floor. I turned off the light beside my bed and stared into the darkness.
It’ll have passed by tomorrow. It always does. I bit my lip, trying to convince myself of what I was thinking. It’s just a bug or something.
But I couldn’t stop a darker thought entering my mind. What if it isn’t?