Enigma
Tumbling
Well this sucks. My head swam even as I lay still on my bed. I had only just woken up and already I felt awful. Hopefully if I just stay here it will pass, it could just be the way I woke up after all.
Yeah, lying flat on my back. As if that is going to make me feel dizzy. And it isn’t as if I was having some kind of weird dream either. In fact, there had been no dream, not that I remember anyway. I listened carefully for any creaking sounds that might indicate the approach of my mother. Complete silence. I shifted slightly to look at my clock. My vision clouded with small colourful dots and I felt my stomach flip. I swallowed back the foul taste in my mouth and waited a few moments before I could see clearly again.
6:30. I wrinkled my nose, it would be about another half hour before everyone started to get up and ready for the day. If I just lay still here, I might be feeling better by the time Mum comes to check on me. A shower might help as well. Then again, recently showering hasn’t made me feel better the way it used to. When I was younger I used to have a nice hot shower whenever I was feeling slightly sick and it never failed to make me feel better. Not anymore.
Stupid.
Stupid everything.
Why did I have to get stuck with this? Why couldn’t it be anyone else? What cruel twist of fate caused this to happen to me? Why should I have to be an enigma? Why the hell can’t I just be normal?
It isn’t fair.
I lay sulking, feeling more childish than I did when I was five.
It isn’t fair. I want friends. Not just people I met through the internet or other people like me. I want people to like me, not push me aside because they don’t know what I am. It isn’t as if I’m some sort of damn alien!
The tears welled in my eyes and I scowled.
I don’t want to be stuck with this stupid sickness. I want to be normal. I want to be like everyone else. I’m sick of being different. Just for once I want to be an exactly like someone else. I want to do the things that they do. I want to be one of those people who only have to go to the hospital when they’ve broken a bone or need an operation. I don’t want to have to go for regular tests and checkups.
The warm water trickled down my temples onto the pillow. A couple slipped into my ears, but I let them pool there uncomfortably.
Screw this! I don’t want to be me anymore.
A door opened down the hall, footsteps came closer and stopped outside my room. There was a quiet knock and the door opened just a fraction. I saw her hair before Mum’s face smiled slightly at me.
“How are you?” She asked as she let herself in and moved over to my bed.
“Good.” I force a smile.
“You’re crying.” She frowned and grabbed my hand.
“Bad dream, that’s all.” Another forced smile. These things come fairly naturally to me. I guess that’s one thing I have to thank this stupid abnormality for – my ability to lie. Generally I’m fairly good at it.
Mum sighed. “I’m going to make some tea, would you like some?”
“Okay, I’ll just have a shower and then I’ll be down.” I push myself up. I can’t see anything again, but there’s no way I’m going to let Mum know.
The bed moved and squeaked as she stood and walked out the door. Slowly I got up out of bed and made my way over to the door. The colourful little dots wandered constantly across my vision, but I could see...faintly. It took me a few minutes to reach the bathroom, but thankfully no one else was up to see. Otherwise Mum would’ve known before I could say anything.
I braced myself against the walls as I stood under the stream of water. I couldn’t muster the energy to even think about washing my hair. It must be looking pretty gross by now, I haven’t washed it in a few days.
I stumble back to my room and slowly pull some clothes on. Everything is a blur now. But for some reason I just can’t call out to Mum. I dread the thought of going to the hospital and I know that’s exactly where I’m headed today. There’s no way I can fool Mum any longer. More tears slip down my cheeks in a steady flow as my hand trails along the wall. I’m feeling my way now, unsure of where everything is. My hand clasps the banister and I take a deep breath.
Slowly, one foot and then the other. One step at a time.
I feel my toes snag on the carpet. Except everything doesn’t slow down like I’ve heard other people say. In fact, I think time went faster as I tilted forwards, unable to regain my balance. A small shriek escaped my lips as my hand slipped off the smooth banister and I fell forwards. I heard running feet from below and someone call my name.
I barely registered the pain as my shoulder hit the stairs. My forehead bashed against the banister as I tumbled down. Nothing seemed real anymore – I couldn’t see, couldn’t feel, and couldn’t hear. There was nothing, only blackness.
Yeah, lying flat on my back. As if that is going to make me feel dizzy. And it isn’t as if I was having some kind of weird dream either. In fact, there had been no dream, not that I remember anyway. I listened carefully for any creaking sounds that might indicate the approach of my mother. Complete silence. I shifted slightly to look at my clock. My vision clouded with small colourful dots and I felt my stomach flip. I swallowed back the foul taste in my mouth and waited a few moments before I could see clearly again.
6:30. I wrinkled my nose, it would be about another half hour before everyone started to get up and ready for the day. If I just lay still here, I might be feeling better by the time Mum comes to check on me. A shower might help as well. Then again, recently showering hasn’t made me feel better the way it used to. When I was younger I used to have a nice hot shower whenever I was feeling slightly sick and it never failed to make me feel better. Not anymore.
Stupid.
Stupid everything.
Why did I have to get stuck with this? Why couldn’t it be anyone else? What cruel twist of fate caused this to happen to me? Why should I have to be an enigma? Why the hell can’t I just be normal?
It isn’t fair.
I lay sulking, feeling more childish than I did when I was five.
It isn’t fair. I want friends. Not just people I met through the internet or other people like me. I want people to like me, not push me aside because they don’t know what I am. It isn’t as if I’m some sort of damn alien!
The tears welled in my eyes and I scowled.
I don’t want to be stuck with this stupid sickness. I want to be normal. I want to be like everyone else. I’m sick of being different. Just for once I want to be an exactly like someone else. I want to do the things that they do. I want to be one of those people who only have to go to the hospital when they’ve broken a bone or need an operation. I don’t want to have to go for regular tests and checkups.
The warm water trickled down my temples onto the pillow. A couple slipped into my ears, but I let them pool there uncomfortably.
Screw this! I don’t want to be me anymore.
A door opened down the hall, footsteps came closer and stopped outside my room. There was a quiet knock and the door opened just a fraction. I saw her hair before Mum’s face smiled slightly at me.
“How are you?” She asked as she let herself in and moved over to my bed.
“Good.” I force a smile.
“You’re crying.” She frowned and grabbed my hand.
“Bad dream, that’s all.” Another forced smile. These things come fairly naturally to me. I guess that’s one thing I have to thank this stupid abnormality for – my ability to lie. Generally I’m fairly good at it.
Mum sighed. “I’m going to make some tea, would you like some?”
“Okay, I’ll just have a shower and then I’ll be down.” I push myself up. I can’t see anything again, but there’s no way I’m going to let Mum know.
The bed moved and squeaked as she stood and walked out the door. Slowly I got up out of bed and made my way over to the door. The colourful little dots wandered constantly across my vision, but I could see...faintly. It took me a few minutes to reach the bathroom, but thankfully no one else was up to see. Otherwise Mum would’ve known before I could say anything.
I braced myself against the walls as I stood under the stream of water. I couldn’t muster the energy to even think about washing my hair. It must be looking pretty gross by now, I haven’t washed it in a few days.
I stumble back to my room and slowly pull some clothes on. Everything is a blur now. But for some reason I just can’t call out to Mum. I dread the thought of going to the hospital and I know that’s exactly where I’m headed today. There’s no way I can fool Mum any longer. More tears slip down my cheeks in a steady flow as my hand trails along the wall. I’m feeling my way now, unsure of where everything is. My hand clasps the banister and I take a deep breath.
Slowly, one foot and then the other. One step at a time.
I feel my toes snag on the carpet. Except everything doesn’t slow down like I’ve heard other people say. In fact, I think time went faster as I tilted forwards, unable to regain my balance. A small shriek escaped my lips as my hand slipped off the smooth banister and I fell forwards. I heard running feet from below and someone call my name.
I barely registered the pain as my shoulder hit the stairs. My forehead bashed against the banister as I tumbled down. Nothing seemed real anymore – I couldn’t see, couldn’t feel, and couldn’t hear. There was nothing, only blackness.