The Now or Never Kind

“Are you sure you want to drive back?” Matt asked for probably the eleventh time. “I mean, it takes forever and people suck at driving…”

“No, it’s fine,” Didi laughed on the other end of my phone. “I mean, I only took a few days off work anyway, so I should be getting back.”

I placed my foot back on the dashboard once the cop car passed us and adjusted my perch in the front seat; I rarely wore shorts, but it was too hot to wear anything else; I’d feel uncomfortable being out in public like this, but I’d probably never see anyone I passed ever again. “Di, do you play guitar?” I asked lazily.

Matt looked over at me with a bemused expression. “Yeah,” she replied hesitantly.

“Do you know how to tune a guitar?”

“Yeah…”

“Then you should be our guitar tech.” Matt burst out laughing and jerked the steering wheel back into our lane when Vivienne screamed at him from the back seat. “I mean, we have money allocated in our budget that we’ve always just split up between us or saved it for merch designs. No promises that you’d make more money than you do now, but we like you, and—”

“Fine, fine!” Did exclaimed excitedly. “Twist my arm, why don’t you?” Matt and I exchanged grins. We were building a nice little team here, and this time nobody would get kicked in the nuts or try to kill themselves.

Hopefully.

“Can we still go to Michigan?”

I laughed. “Didi, both Penny Dreadful and Every Avenue are going to be on tour in the next few weeks,” I informed her. “If we cross paths, we will hang out.”

“And get wasted,” Matt added promptly.

“Hooray!” she exclaimed. “I’ll give my notice and meet you guys in LA, yeah?”

“We’ll pick you up from the airport,” Matt promised. “Later, Didi.”

“See you later, my doe.”

Didi laughed. “You are mixing your musical references and my brain can’t take it!” I chuckled, putting both my feet on the floor. “Bye, guys!”

I snapped my phone shut and shoved it back in my jacket pocket. Matt was wearing a very adorable grin, which generally worried the rest of us. “I have the best luck.” I arched an eyebrow at him, while his sister asked what the fuck he was talking about. He turned to me, beaming. “I’m going on tour with three hot chicks.”

I snorted. “All of whom can, will, and have kicked your ass.”

“Didi hasn’t kicked my ass.”

“Yet,” Vivienne muttered loudly.

“Can it.” I smiled out the windshield, and soon Matt slowed the car and snagged a parking place. He gave me a troubled look once Vivienne got out. “I dunno about this, Pen.”

“She’s your sister, Matt,” I reminded, following her, “And the little sea creature in her abdomen is going to be your niece or nephew.” He made a face and trudged after me. With a grin, I walked closer to him and pecked him on the cheek as we walked into the clinic. “Be supportive or I’m pretending you knocked me up.”

Matt perked up like I shoved my freezing hands up his shirt. He smirked at me before smacking me on the backside. “But you’re the homewrecker, remember?”

Damn you, merch shorts.

Luckily Vivienne had made an appointment for her ultrasound so we didn’t have to wait in the lobby for long, which was good. I quickly moved into Matt’s lap when the guy thrown into the chair next to me asked, “Damn, girl, those real?” and even more quickly ran for the door when Viv’s name was called.

The doctor was scary-happy to see us. Too much Botox, smile stuck in your head happy. “Well, helloooo!” she cooed as she walked in. “I’m Doctor Sola! It’s so nice to meet you!” Both Matt and Vivienne grabbed my hands at the same time. “Miss Merlott, if you’d like to hop up in the chair and lift up your shirt.”

Matt helped his sister up onto the high chair while I looked around at the equipment. Lots of wires and tubes and beeping things! My inner maniac-scientist was quite pleased. “So are you the father?” the doctor asked perkily.

I guffawed before catching myself. “No, I’m her brother,” Matt explained. “The father had to work.”

“Oh, how sweet of you!” She picked up a tub of… goo and what was essentially a spatula. “This might be a bit cold, okay, sweetie?” Vivienne arched a sceptical eyebrow at Dr. Psycho as she spread the goop on her stomach. “And how about you? You have lovely hair, by the way!”

I blinked silently before darting a look at Vivienne, pleading LIE! I DON’T WANT TO TALK TO HER! “She’s going to be the godmother,” Viv said pleasantly, swinging my hand in hers. Dr. Sola continued to coo and chatter on about nonsense, while I eyed the eldest of us curiously. She smiled uncertainly. “If she agrees.”

“Why do I get the feeling I know who the godfather is,” I commented dryly, moving my gaze across to the other side of the chair. Matt beamed, making me roll my eyes. “Thought so. I would be honoured.”

“Well, take a look at your soon-to-be-godchild!” All three of our heads snapped around. Vivienne burst into tears after a few seconds. Matt started laughing excitedly and talking incessantly to his sister about all the things he wanted to teach them. Dr. Psycho asked if they wanted to know the gender, and Matt was quick to correct her that we wouldn’t know the gender until the kid developed a personality; Vivienne giggled and said yes, we wanted to know the sex.

I stared, slightly slackjawed, at the monitor and the vaguely-baby-shaped blob moving on it. That… that was the result of two people loving each other so much that they wanted to bring another human being into the world and give them everything they never had. My brain couldn’t focus on anything except that.

“Pen?” I blinked a few times before snapping out of my trance. Both Matt and Vivienne were staring at me with an unacceptable amount of solemnity. I looked down; I’d been holding Viv’s hand so tightly both of them were white.

“Tears of joy!” Dr. Sola said brightly. I wiped my cheek in annoyance. When did I stop keeping a ball-gag on my outward emotiveness? “Oh, it’s alright, sweetheart! It’s okay to express your happiness is whatever way you see fit.”

The second her pink-nailed hand patted my shoulder, I swatted it away sharply. “Don’t touch me,” I hissed. Dr. Sola flinched like I’d slapped her across the face. I kissed Vivienne on the cheek. “I need to make a phone call.”

I walked straight out of the hospital, ignoring the stares I received, and passed three benches before sitting down on the sidewalk against a mailbox. Pulling out my phone, I dialled a number I’d memorised years ago but had since taken to speed dial.

“Aromi’s phone,” a smooth, accented voice announced.

“Hello, Charlie,” I said softly. “Is Aero available?”

“Certamente, principessa.” I pinched the bridge of my nose but said nothing as Charlie called for his boyfriend. I would eventually need to make things less awkward with Bill as well. “Hey, Penangela. What’s up?”

I couldn’t help but laugh, even though I was crying. “You know, of everyone I’ve talked to since leaving San Francisco, you’re the only one who hasn’t sounded angry at me.”

He chuckled. “Well, I know how you feel. I ran away more than once in my life. Are you coming home soon?”

“Yes, Matt said our flight’s tonight.” I wiped my cheeks and watched people going in and out of the clinic, some of them worried, some of them happy, in couples and alone. “When I get home, you and I need to spend some time alone.”

“Uh oh,” Aero said with semi-mock seriousness. “What happened?”

I ran a hand through my hair. “I’ve been thinking lately that my recidivism for recklessness would be remedied if I swore off men for a while.” He remained silent, so I pressed on. “Since the band’s been getting bigger, I’ve been attaching myself to other people and using them to make me happy. Or at least forget for a while that I’m not. Maybe it’d be better if I threw myself into work.”

“Of course I admire your work ethic,” my manager and friend said hesitantly. “But where did this come from? You love the friends you’ve made in the business.”

“I think maybe that’s the problem.” From the distance I’d walked away from the hospital, I saw Matt and Vivienne exit the sliding doors. “I just don’t want to get too emotionally involved with anyone for a while.”

“Okay…” Matt spotted me and headed over while Viv went to the car. “Don’t shut us out because we care about you.”

My stomach lurched at those words, almost exactly what Matt had said about William, and I held my head in a hand. “Not you,” I explained. “Or Sean or Matt or Jesse or Charlie or Beth. I need you guys.” Matt stopped in front of me, tilting his head. “Anyway. I have to go. Te amo, Aromi.”

“Te amo, Ange.”

I snapped my phone shut and raised an eyebrow at Matt. “Apart from scaring the shit out of my sister and possibly scarring her doctor with your cynicism,” he said pointedly, pulling me up by the hands, “What was that about?”

I shrugged as Vivienne pulled up to the sidewalk. “È molto complicato, Matteo. Non so se tu lo capiresti. Non posso spiegarlo bene.”

Matt’s eyes widened at the second word out of my mouth. I smirked and climbed into the back seat, him catching the door and leaping in after me. “I fucking hate you sometimes,” he muttered, slamming the door and crossing his legs.

Vivienne laughed. “Were you speaking Italian again?” I beamed, nodding. Matt glowered out the window. “Cattiva.”

I went back to Beth’s house and packed up all my things, which didn’t take long. The hard part was letting go of my best friend when Matt arrived at the door. “Our adventure is over,” I said sadly, staring over her shoulder at the wall.

“Don’t be ridiculous, Rhiannon,” Beth said promptly, holding me by the shoulders. “We have a week before we’re on tour again. You do remember tour, right? That two-month-long madness?” I chuckled, nodding. Tour was something within itself.

“It’s good to see you again, sir,” Matt said respectfully, shaking Mister Di Costello’s hand, “And we’ll make sure your daughter is taken care of.” We all beamed like good little angels until he left the room, and Beth turned to Matt.

“You are so full of shit, Sundance.”

“You and I must have a different idea of what ‘taken care of’ means, Miss blonde redhead.”

After getting through security and checking our bags, Matt and I sat in our terminal and did nothing. Each with one earbud in, we listened to his iPod while he flipped through a magazine. I hadn’t gotten over looking at Vivienne’s baby, still even then in a state of shock.

Vaguely I noticed the song change to a fast, upbeat, almost country song. “I’m so cool, too bad I’m a loser…” the vocalist sang. Matt joined in absently soon after.

“I'm so smart, too bad I can't get anything figured out
I'm so brave, too bad I'm a baby…”

I stopped hearing the words after that, because that line repeated itself over and over in my head. I tugged the headphone out of my ear and grabbed my phone. Matt grabbed my wrist as I tried to walk away; when I turned, he had a forlorn, anxious look in his eyes, like he was afraid if I travelled out of his sight again, I’d never come back. Smiling I bent and kissed him lightly on the lips. “I won’t be long,” I promised.

Then I left him sitting there with his eyes shut.

I hated telephones. Cell phones I could handle for the most part. But standing in an unfamiliar places next to a huge glass window and calling my ex-boyfriend was… panic attack-inducing. I paced back and forth as the line rang, knowing he wouldn’t pick up. Actually I planned on it.

“I’m calling to apologise for the callus way in which I participated in our last conversation. Call me back, Ryan.” I hung up and crossed my arms, staring out at the runway. In my head, I counted, reaching seventeen before my phone rang. “Thank you.”

Ryan didn’t say anything for a moment. “If you’re being mature, it’d reflect badly on me if I wasn’t,” he muttered.

I rolled my eyes and took a deep breath. “I am sorry, Ryan,” I declared. “It was cowardly of my to break up with you over the phone across the country.”

“…Okay. Thanks.”

I waited, sucking my lower lip between my teeth. “Is that all?” I asked, trying not to be pointed.

Ryan sighed. “I’m sorry too, Ange. I know I said some shit I shouldn’t have.”

“You did,” I agreed. “Thank you.” Neither of us said anything for a moment. “So…”

“We’re okay,” he answered my unasked question. “It’ll be awkward as hell if we have to tour together, but I guess I’ll deal with it.” He’d deal with it. He would deal with having to be around me. I’d never heard that about myself before, and I didn’t have anything to combat that with. “Out of curiosity, what brought this on?”

“Calling you?” I brushed my hair out of my face, trying to find my footing again. “Well… Matt and I took her sister for an ultrasound this morning… and when I saw her baby moving on the screen…” I trailed off, remembering it again.

“…Pen?” Ryan prompted and I gasped in a breath.

“I realised that… You and I…” No, love, a voice somewhere between Beth and Aero told me. Tell him what you mean. “I just… would never want that with you.”

Something told me that I’d given Ryan a little more truth than he could handle.

“You…” I winced at how tight his voice was. “You would never want…”

“Don’t beguile me, Ryan,” I said impatiently, whirling around. “Like you ever surmised I was the one with whom you wanted to spend the rest of forever.”

Loooooong pause. “No,” Ryan said very quietly. “I guess not.” I lost some of my fire and began wandering back and forth in front of the window again. “So I guess that’s it.”

“That’s it,” I agreed. I twirled around and caught sight of Matt watching me. “I wish you the best, Ryan. It’s what you deserve.”After years of shitty relationships. Maybe.

Matt was singing Green Day when I walked back to him. “’Cause I cannot speak,” he crooned, climbing to his feet, “I’ve lost my voice...”

“Eavesdropping?” I asked dryly as he started dancing around me. “Really, Matt?”

He grabbed me by the waist and whirled me around with him, not even pretending to listen. “’Cause I love you’s not enough… I’m lost for words…” I laughed wearily and waltzed around the rows of chairs with him, harmonizing. A few of the other people around applauded us when we finished and sat down.

Matt kissed me on the head. “We really need to stop doing things that make people think we’re an item,” he noted.

I raised my head from his shoulder, smirking. “You know we’ve been married since I sold merch for you,” I said. “So… yeah, it’s pretty much your fault.”