The Now or Never Kind

The flight went as smoothly as flights usually go: a bit of turbulence, but there were headphones, sleep, and alcohol to help the passengers to ignore it. Well, Matt had sleep and alcohol. I had headphones and a trashy romance novel I bought in the airport. It wasn’t very good, but my other option was Twilight.

The pilot announced that we were beginning our descent into SFO, and I glanced sleepily out the window. The second I saw the thick blanket of fog, I was awake. After what seemed like forever, I was home, and I smiled.

But it quickly faded. I was home, going back to the one place that made me crazy.

It was three in the morning when we got our luggage and out of the airport. Matt’s dad had called us a cab, which was sitting outside by the curb. I trudged after Matt, who was still half-asleep, and stared out the window as we started moving; within minutes, he was sound asleep on my shoulder.

“Actually,” I said, straining my voice to both be heard by the driver and not wake Matt, “Can we skip the first stop?” The cabbie looked back at me in the mirror. “Just to the city is fine.”

He gave me a ‘whatever you say’ and ignored the exit to my parents’ house. I felt better and worse, watching the city lights get brighter. I gently woke my drummer when we stopped outside his house and helped him out of the car to pay the driver.

“Wait,” he said blearily, staring with half-lidded eyes at his house. “This isn’t your parents’ place.”

I smiled. “Nope. Yours. I like your couch better.” Matt was too tired to argue or lecture, so we just crept into the house; he stumbled upstairs to his bedroom while I tiptoed down to the basement.

I flopped down on the couch, fully clothed, and stared blankly at the empty television. I don’t know how long I sat there, thinking about nothing, before I pulled out my phone. You awake? I shot off in a text.

A few minutes later, the screen lit up in the dark, making me wince. “You didn’t have to call, Pete,” I whispered, picking up.

“It’s almost four am. Yeah, I did.” Pete sounded far more awake than I did, but I supposed he had far more experience with insomnia. “What’s up?”

“My flight just got in. I’m back home in California, and I’m sitting in Matt’s basement, instead of in my own bed.”

“Maybe that’s better for you,” he suggested.

I blinked heavily. “I can’t just never go back, Pete,” I said. I rubbed my eyes. “I’m sorry. I’m propagating self-pity. How’s Ashlee?”

“Sleeping,” he said simply. “I’m on the other side of the house though. C'mon, Pen. You can tell me."

I thought for a while before speaking. "Did you ever have a moment after coming back from tour that you realised your parents' house just wasn't home anymore? I know you love your mum and dad a lot, but..." But what, I didn't know, so I just stopped talking.

Pete chuckled. "Welcome to adulthood, Ange. You need to move out." I frowned, considering this. I'd had the absent desire to emancipate myself from my parents since I was about fifteen, but I had never actually thought about it seriously. I didn't think I could support myself on my own.

But now I had the band, and we weren't doing terribly.

"Get some sleep, kid," he advised.

I smiled. "You too, Wentzabean," I whispered. "And thanks."

Just before I hung up, Pete said, "Oh, hey, by the way." I hummed inquisitively. He paused. "Nah, it can wait." I chuckled and said okay before hanging up. I curled up on my side, head against the arm, and shut my eyes.

The tv was on, albeit quietly, when I awoke, and a head of dark hair was half in the way. I rolled my eyes down to the other end of the couch. Sean was watching the competition with rapt attention. I smiled and pushed aside the blanket laid over me enough to wrap my arms around Jesse's neck.

He jumped, inadvertently running himself into Matt on the screen and both of them off a cliff. Matt protested but let it go when he saw I was awake. "Morning," Sean greeted, grinning as Jesse hugged me over his head.

“I missed you kids,” I said, swinging my socked feet to the floor. Matt and Jesse hopped up from the floor and slouched beside me. “What are we doing today? We all should do something.” They all looked at me strangely. Usually I was the one who wanted to stay in and chill.

But they ignored any and all desires to berate me, and instead we went out to get breakfast. Er, lunch. Apparently I’d slept longer than I’d anticipated. At least they waited until I had food until they grilled me about the trip. Sean wanted to make sure that I wasn’t out making a debacle of myself and the band, but Jesse pretty obviously wanted to hear about Beth.

And I told him as much as he needed to know, which was leaving out a bit.

Around the time we were finishing up, I got a text from my friend Bianca. Odd, I hadn’t told her or anyone else that I was back in the state. But she wanted to meet me; she had something important to ask, she said.

I told her I was out with the boys and heading south with Jesse later before putting my phone away and forgetting it instantly. If it had been genuinely urgent, she would have called. I preferred texting in general, but personal things should be personal.

For this reason I was mildly annoyed when my pocket vibrated again. Jesse, having noticed my expression, frowned curiously. I need to talk to you right the fuck now! “If you had something reeeally important to ask someone,” I posed, asking her where to meet, “You would call them, right?”

The guys nodded. “’oo’s tha’?” Sean asked as we paid for our food and walked out.

“Bianca. She has something to ask me that apparently is so important it must be done in person, but she won’t call me and she demands that I come to Border’s quote ‘right the fuck now’.” Matt raised a cryptic eyebrow at me. “I don’t even know. You guys wanna pick up books and movies for tour?”

Our ride across the city was just like those we’d taken hundreds of times before, and for that I was thankful. We were all smiling, singing, and yelling things back and forth across the front seats of Sean’s car like we had when half of us were still in high school.

Home? You are here!

“Bee!” I grinned, walking up behind my friend and hugging her around the neck. “Sup, mah collective bitches?” Only when she turned around, my happy mood dropped like a pigeon hit with a bb. Her makeup was all smeared and tears were in her eyes. “Fuck, what’d I do?”

She grabbed me around the neck, nearly strangling me, and started sobbing into my shoulder. I choked, trying to pat her shoulder and push away at the same time. I loved her, but I kind of loved breathing more. “It’ll be okay, Bee.”

“It will not be fucking okay!” she screeched, shoving me away. I stumbled back, resisting the instinct to shoulder her in return, but attacking sobbing friends was generally a bad idea. But then again screaming in a bookstore was generally frowned upon.

I grabbed Bianca by the wrist and dragged her across the store, ignoring both the disapproving stares of strangers (who probably assumed domestic violence) and the raised eyebrows of my band, and outside. “Okay, I understand that something is upsetting you, but decorum, Bianca!” I explained as calmly as I could. As selfish as the thought was, I had a reputation to consider, and I made enough bad decisions as it was.

…I really needed talk to Pete about never letting me into Angels & Kings ever again.

“Like you even fucking care!” she spat back, tears streaming down her face. “Where the fuck have you been for the past two weeks when I needed you?!” I leaned back against the railing behind me while she glared at people passing by staring. “What the fuck do you want?!”

I mouthed an apology at their retreated backs. “Bianca,” I said gently, “You needed to ask me something.”

She wiped her cheeks, succeeding in smearing her makeup more. “Right… You know that guy I met at the Wallpaper show?”

I stared at her blankly. “…No. What guy? What Wallpaper show?”

“Just before graduation,” Bianca said, like it should have been obvious and I was an idiot bad friend. “Well, we saw each other a few more times, and… one time…” She sniffled. “We hooked up. And then I missed my period.”

My eyes turned out to the parking lot as her voice continued to get more panicked and desperate and she began crying again. “And I couldn’t risk my parents finding out! You know they’d freak the fuck out!”

My brain had started whirring once she mentioned she’d missed her period, and that last confession had clicked several things into big holes in my knowledge of Why. And it made my stomach tighten. “You didn’t…” I said slowly, eyes narrowing at her.

“So I took a pregnancy test at your house,” she continued, recovering a bit and taking deep breaths, “During your grad party, after almost everyone had left. I covered it with tissues and stuffed it down in the can…”

“Bianca,” I declared, trying to keep my voice even but only succeeding in sounding slightly less frigidly furious than I was, “Matt found the test and told Jesse, who freaked the hell out because he thought he got Beth pregnant.”

She paused, frowning at me curiously, and—funny thing—sounded entirely fine when she said, “…So? Angie, I—”

“Ryan and I broke up because of shit he said when I was comforting her,” I hissed, standing straight and taking a step towards her. “I got on a plane to Chicago so we could get away from them!”

“Sweetie, it’s not my fault she’s enough of a skank that they thought it was hers,” she said , holding me by both shoulders. Bianca half-shrugged. “Plus you and Ryan couldn’t really keep your shit together anyway…”

Oh no she did not!, cried the very very tiny ghetto part of me. “Are you fucking kidding me?!” I yelled, shoving her away. “Because of you, two essentially stable, happy relationships died very violent fucking deaths! Do you have any idea how goddamn selfish you are?!”

“Look, forget I said anything!” Bianca ordered, stepping back a bit. “My point is, I went to the clinic and it’s for sure, so I was hoping—”

“No!” I interjecting, shouting. “You do NOT get to write this off, Bianca! The band could have broken up because of this!” The passers-by who had paused to glance at us were now steering faaaaaar clear of the supernova about to occur.

“Angie, that’s ridiculous! You guys are solid! I need you to help me tell the father though, because I have no idea what to say.”

My expression dropped off my face, and my eye started twitching at the same time my heart began pounding harder. “The father,” I repeated tensely, sucking my lips in and nodding compulsively. Someone put a hand on my shoulder—I didn’t look to see who, but I slapped it away. “What’s his name?”

Silence. Jesse appeared in front of me, shaking my shoulders and saying something, but I could only hear blood pounding in my ears. I danced around him and grabbed the front of my friend’s shirt. “Bianca, what is the bastard’s name?”

Bianca stuttered syllables, trying to pull out of my grip at the same time multiple hands were pulling me away. “Tell me his name, Bianca Grace!” I screamed hysterically, clawing at her. “Tell me his fucking name so I know whom to kill after you!”

There was a lot of noise and screaming. It was hard to tell what happened after that; I think I blacked out because next thing I knew, the boys had me pinned up against the wall and I was sobbing into Sean’s shoulder.

Hmm. That’s unusual.

“It’s—all—her—fault,” I cried, taking short uneven breaths between every word. “Beth… and Jess…”

“I know, darling,” he soothed, stroking my hair.

“It’s her—” hiccough, “That I…” I hiccoughed again and dissolved into tears.

Matt broke off from our pile of human limbs when Jesse eased me to sit down. Paramedics were coming apparently, and the cops wanted to talk to me. Obviously I was in no shape to interact with anyone, and Matt had some legal experience, so he would be my temporary proxy.

After twenty minutes of sitting on the ground getting babied and strung up like a kite on oxygen, I pushed the disappointingly-not-cute EMT away and stood up. Matt came running over almost immediately. “Congratulations, neither of you’s getting arrested,” he announced, looping an arm around my waist. “Bianca’s pissed and terrified of you though.”

“Yeah I bet,” I said scathingly, putting a hand to my head. “But I’ll live. Can we go please? I feel really weird.”

“We won’t have to carry you again, will we?” Jesse asked.

I blinked at him. “Again?”

Sean patted my shoulder and led me towards the car. “We pulled ye’ off Tyler Durden-style,” he informed me. “R’member, when Lou shows up in th’basement an’ ‘e bleeds all over ‘im?” He caught the horrified look that came over me and quickly added, “Ye didn’t do tha’.”

In the back seat, I leaned my head against the window and stared blankly at the world going by. Bianca was one of the only friends not in the business that I had any interest in seeing now that we’d graduated, and now that was basically kaput.

“Is it still running away if no one’s chasing after me?” I murmured to the glass. Jesse unbuckled his seatbelt and slid across the seat. “Is it still a prison if the leaving is free?” He leaned his head onto my shoulder.

Sean looked at us in the rear view mirror. “A’right, fuck it. Ange, ye want’a move in with us?” I lifted my head while Matt hissed that it was supposed to be a surprise. “Matt’s da just bought an apartment complex an’ offered us one.”

I continued staring at him even after the light in front of us turned green. Jesse batted his eyes at me, pouting. “P-p-p-pweeeeeease?” he asked, imitating Roger Rabbit.

“…What’re you guys doing tomorrow?”