The Now or Never Kind

There was one thing every musician could agree on, no matter what genre, age, sex, gender, and point in their career. It surpassed every argument and transcended every point of contention you could think of. The only other thing that came close was that playing music for a living was awesome (and that’s the playing, not everything else).

But when it came down to it, all of us musically inclined whackos agreed that the air conditioner being broken sucked.

I woke up one morning in the South tangled up in the sheets I’d kicked off my body and knew something was wrong. I stumbled out into the lounge in merch shorts, a tank top, and a haze, only to discover that half the bus had come to the same conclusion: the heat was going to kill us.

None of us got anything done that day. Jesse and Matt posted a very brief video on YouTube saying that we’d give them something good as soon as possible, but we could barely think, much less make a decent and amusing video. After that, they joined the rest of us sprawled around the room and stared languidly at the walls. Seth didn’t even play guitar.

That’s how hot it was.

I couldn’t stand to lean on anyone either, because they were too sweaty and radiating too much heat, so I tipped back against the window in a chair, one foot up on the counter. My wits dulled to the point of being brain-dead if the temperature grew to over 80 degrees Fahrenheit. (That’s 27 Celsius for you smart folks not on the imperial system.) Mostly I just stared off into space and tried not to think about anything, lest it be about something warm.

Something cold settled against my forehead and I forced my heavy eyelids to blink. Danny grinned, moving the chilled bottle of water down to the cheek. I closed my lips together into a grateful smile, and not just because he wasn’t wearing a shirt.

Danny had been going out of his way to do little things for me recently. He held open doors and gave me his hoodie when the night got too cold while we hauled equipment. We warmed up together, singing and playing either one of our bands’ songs or something we both knew; mostly it degenerated into songs with the most ridiculous or sexual lyrics. Up until the air conditioner broke, one of us migrated to the other’s bunk to sleep when nobody else was around.

All in all, he was an incredible gentlemen. I’m not going to lie, it made mevery suspicious a little uneasy and I insisted every time that he didn’t have to give me any special treatment. Danny would just smile—if no one was around, he’d give me a kiss—and say, “Don’t worry about it.”

“You’re not a human being, are you?” I asked, words slurring their way out.

“What?”

I waved my hand, gesturing at the ideas around me. “All this being ridiculously nice to me nonsense. It’s not natural. You’ve got to be an alien or a robot or something.” I gasped and brought all four legs of the chair to the floor. “You’re a Cylon, aren’t you?!”

He and the rest of my band laughed, him more confused. “What the hell are you talking about?” he asked. Danny cracked the water bottle and handed it to me. “Drink this. I think your brain is melting.”

The venue, thankfully, had working air conditioning and we all breathed a sigh of relief on every trip back inside shlepping amps and drums and instruments. I still walked around in shorts for as long as I could before I couldn’t take people staring at me anymore; I even made my rounds through the line outside, with the aid of my parasol.

However, I knew if I dressed like I usually did for our set, I’d pass out from heat exhaustion. Air conditioning couldn’t do much for four hundred sweaty kids packed into a club. So I threw on one of the few dresses I’d packed for tour: a slinky black number that probably would’ve looked more apropos at a swank cocktail party or a movie premiere than a hole-in-the-wall bar.

The funny thing, though, was that when the guys individually saw the dress—and me pinning up my hair (Jesse) and putting on lipstick (Sean)—they each put on something fancier. Sean, already in a button down shirt, knotted a tie around his neck; Jesse threw on a vest and stole a flower from the bunch someone had brought me to stick through his buttonhole; Matt changed from basketball shorts into actual pants and clipped on suspenders to hold them up.

Of course, I was not privy to this knowledge until we went to tune just before our set. I laughed, also realising that we were all wearing black or grey Chuck Taylors. With my tight skirt and plunging neckline, I wouldn’t be jumping around much, but at least my feet wouldn’t hurt.

“Ugh, don’t say that word,” I moaned when someone yelled that I looked fucking hot. “Our bus’s air conditioner’s fucking broken and I swear to god, if we don’t get it fixed soon, I’m going to get heat stroke, lose my mind, and kill someone. Which would be bad.” I smiled brightly. “Fun, but bad.”

Backstage, after everyone had gone home (or at least outside), a pair of hands slid onto my hips. “I thought we weren’t playing this game anymore,” Danny mumbled into my ear.

Eyes closed, I stopped humming to myself but continued drawing pins out of my hair. “Who said this was for you?” I queried with a smile. His palm slid forward across the smooth, glossy fabric and I loosed the last bobby pin to let my hair cascade down. I felt him bury his nose in my hair and inhale. “Maybe this was just for me.”

He pulled me back against him, and I hadn’t realised precisely how soft and thin my dress was until, through it and his jeans, I could feel how hard he was. “That’s just for you, too.”

I chuckled softly and turned around his arms; he slid his hands down my back. “You’re a dirty bitch,” I accused with amusement, wrapping my arms around neck.

“Guilty as charged,” Danny replied with a grin. I raised myself onto my toes to press my lips against his. I would’ve thought that would annoy me—it had annoyed me to crane my neck up to kiss William—but it didn’t; actually I think it was a residual effect of being about the same height as Ryan.

…I should stop thinking about them. Danny’s way better.

“Hey!” I started and we broke apart. Didi, standing in the doorway, put her hands on her hips. “Do that somewhere else where we single folks don’t have to watch.”

“So you didn’t seal the deal with Josh?” I jibbed, grinning evilly. She flushed. I knew for a fact she had and I hadn’t stopped with jokes and questions yet. “What a shame. He always struck me as such a nice boy.”

“Shut up, Pen!” she ordered, whirling around and flying out of the room.

Danny laughed. “Wow, that was cold.”

I tossed my hair self-importantly and returned to gathering up my makeup and hair shit and such. “On the contrary, love, all ribbing and poking fun is out of affection, no matter how hard-hitting it may be.” I grabbed the front of his shirt and licked his cheek. “Remember that, dammit.”

“Yes, ma’am,” he murmured with a smirk.

I didn’t trust Danny to help me out of my dress and nothing else, so I let everyone use the bathroom before me—a bad idea if not for the magic of Febreeze—and made Matt, the last before me, unzip the back. “If they ever perfect cloning,” he said just before I shut the door, “I am so getting me one of you.”

“Find your own girl to objectify, Mattie,” I commented wryly. He laughed and went to bed, allowing me to change in peace. When I did, I casually stowed my clothes in my bed and then stood in the dark aisle, listening for signs of who was still awake.

When I decided it was quiet enough, I eased the curtain to Danny’s bunk open and ninja’d my way in. “I’m not sure I grasp the physics of this,” I admitted in a whisper, climbing on top of him.

“Physics ain’t my thing,” he said, easing my shirt up my ribs and over my head. “You want physics, talk to Seth.” He ran his hands up my torso, making me shiver. “But tomorrow. You’re mine now.”

There were several things wrong with trying to have sex in a bunk of a tour bus. You had to be really quiet as not to wake your bandmates (which I will begrudgingly admit was difficult with Danny). There wasn’t much space to manoeuvre and you were pretty much stuck in one position. Worst of all, since I was on top, I kept hitting my head on the ceiling.

“Fuck!” I exclaimed in a loud whisper after the third time. Danny cracked up, trying to keep a straight face. “Stop laughing, asshole, it hurts!”

“Aww,” he whispered with mock sympathy. “C’mere.” Pouting I leaned to receive his light kiss on the lips and emitted a noise of surprise when he deftly flipped us over and pinned me to the mattress. “Better?” I nodded breathlessly. “Good. Now shut up.”

I constantly thank any and every god in existence that Jesse in a heavy sleeper.

“Why are you awake?” Danny grumbled against my neck a while later.

“It’s too bloody hot to sleep.” I rubbed my eyes and pushed stringy hair out of my face. “Because of you, the air conditioner, and what we just did.”

He lifted his head and gave me a bemused look for a second. Then a grin appeared. “Does the word sex make you comfortable?”

“Danny, don’t even think about it.”

Danny still smiled mischievously, but laid his head back on the pillow. After a few minutes, he asked softly, “Are you thinking about something important?”

I raised an eyebrow at the ceiling. “Well, I was thinking about why jello, pudding, and gummy bears would require different amounts of force to punch through,” I replied, “So no.” I rolled my head around to look at him. “What’s up?”

“What do you, uh…” He licked his lips nervously, instantly making me interested. “Why do you think we started on this so fast?”

“What? Sleeping together?” He nodded. I pursed my lips and thought, but I couldn’t come up with an answer, so I shrugged slightly. “Dunno. You?” He made the same little shrugging motion and settled. I squinted at the wall. Something was going unsaid here. “What was your original question? You rephrased.”

“It can wait,” Danny said.

I turned over with a little effort, since half his limbs were hanging over me. “No. Speak.”

He chuckled slightly, white teeth quite visible in the dark. “Okay.” He stared at me for a few seconds, and I stared back waiting. “What is this?”

The drawback to rolling over to face him was that I couldn’t look away casually. Every movement had meaning. “You’re asking if this is just sex or… something else?” I clarified. He nodded after a moment’s hesitation.

Suddenly I wished that I had just pretended to be asleep. I didn’t want to have The Talk so late at night when it was hotter than balls (probably literally) and I couldn’t think straight. The best I could do was be as straightforward as possible. “Well, I honestly think whatever relationship we have is based primarily on sex.”Not that I mind. “And I feel a little… ill at ease? with that, but…” But is a terrible conjunction to end on. “I don’t know if I can handle…” Being in a relationship? Having another musician boyfriend? “Opening myself up to someone again. Emotionally. So soon.”

Stuttering and awkwardly worded as that explanation was, it was as close to the truth of how I felt as I could put into words. I just wasn’t sure what Danny was expecting or wanted, or if I even wanted to say what he wanted me to. I didn’t think I did.

“So you’re not sure,” he said slowly, trying to come to terms with that. I nodded, wincing; I didn’t want to hurt him if he wanted it to be something more. “…Okay.”

I blinked, confusion ringing out from all my pores. “Okay?” I repeated.

“Yeah,” he confirmed. I really wished there was a little light so I could read his facial expression. “You’re still raw from whatever happened with your last boyfriend, but I want you to know that not all guys are assholes.” He half-smiled. “That’s why I’ve been an alien-robot, like you said.” I laughed quietly. “When I yelled at you… I want to make it up to you.”

“Danny, I already said I forgive you.”

“I know, but I don’t think you really have, and I don’t want you to hold a grudge against me. I think I deserve better than that.”

As I stared at him, something in my chest sang. Danny was calling me out on my bullshit, and not in a superficial way like others did. And I was good with that. Great, really. “I agree,” I whispered with a growing smile.

Danny smiled. “Good. Can we go to sleep now?” I laughed, nodding, before settling into the sheets, the pillow, and him.